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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 350685" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Personally, for me and mine, in that situation, I don't think you should detach. You could be saying something that may prove to be valuable and something that she may remember <em>later on</em>. Sometimes we impart important life lessons or information that they may not understand or relate to or put to use until later. I find this to be very true with my difficult child, now 20. She's always been a challenge, but in particular, nothing I said to her in her teens seemed to matter; not one lesson I tried to impart to her seemed heard or understood; my opinions were meaningless and stupid. Then, whoa, lo and behold, every now and again, I hear my words coming out of her mouth!! It's strange at times.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">IOW, they are listening and filing it away. Some of them, maybe not all of them, do hear us even if they don't agree with us. My difficult child used to champion the losers of society. She felt bad for people in jail too - never mind that they committed some heinous crime and deserved to be there - she felt bad for them. She idolized junkies, addicts, jailbirds, wino homeless people in the city - she felt bad for them. She could never see the connection between their misdeeds or poor choices and the resulting consequences or the resulting condition of their lives. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Daisyface, keep talking when you feel the need, but don't drive yourself crazy over it. Say it if you need to say it or if the situation permits and it feels right...just don't try to beat a dead horse, Know what I mean?? You don't have to drum it into her head or make her agree with you. I think that's important so I will say it again: SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU but it is okay for you to speak your mind about issues she may not feel the same way about. I think at 14, our kids are still impressionable and that is why in this case, I wouldn't not say anything at all. I think in this case, it is important for her to know how you feel about people in jail and how a 'normal' person should react to those people and the actions that led to their incarciration. Then, turn off your mike, step down from your soapbox, let it go, walk away, take a break. </span></span><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">A situation like you describe doesn't sound like (to me) one of those times when you would need to detach as much as just saying your piece and then letting it go. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">You cannot control how she thinks, feels or behaves, but you can let her know how you feel about it and create boundaries for yourself/family. You cannot make her conform to those rules/boundaries. You can create consequences for her poor behavior that you need to follow through on, but you cannot control whether or not she chooses to behave in a way that results in her suffering the consequences of her actions. That is the time to detach and allow her to suffer the natural consequences of her actions/behavior. You can't save her from herself. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">Knowing when to detach and not detach and in what situations can be very difficult. Especially when you're dealing with your teen, in my opinion. She's old enough to have opinions (and to annoy you) and get into trouble, but not old enough to send her packing. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">Someone passed this link on to me a couple years ago, maybe from CD, I am not sure, but it helped me A LOT with detaching from my difficult child over the years and I am now using some of the tools to help me detach from my easy child. <a href="http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/" target="_blank">http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/</a></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">Check it out.</span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 350685, member: 2211"] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Personally, for me and mine, in that situation, I don't think you should detach. You could be saying something that may prove to be valuable and something that she may remember [I]later on[/I]. Sometimes we impart important life lessons or information that they may not understand or relate to or put to use until later. I find this to be very true with my difficult child, now 20. She's always been a challenge, but in particular, nothing I said to her in her teens seemed to matter; not one lesson I tried to impart to her seemed heard or understood; my opinions were meaningless and stupid. Then, whoa, lo and behold, every now and again, I hear my words coming out of her mouth!! It's strange at times.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]IOW, they are listening and filing it away. Some of them, maybe not all of them, do hear us even if they don't agree with us. My difficult child used to champion the losers of society. She felt bad for people in jail too - never mind that they committed some heinous crime and deserved to be there - she felt bad for them. She idolized junkies, addicts, jailbirds, wino homeless people in the city - she felt bad for them. She could never see the connection between their misdeeds or poor choices and the resulting consequences or the resulting condition of their lives. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Daisyface, keep talking when you feel the need, but don't drive yourself crazy over it. Say it if you need to say it or if the situation permits and it feels right...just don't try to beat a dead horse, Know what I mean?? You don't have to drum it into her head or make her agree with you. I think that's important so I will say it again: SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU but it is okay for you to speak your mind about issues she may not feel the same way about. I think at 14, our kids are still impressionable and that is why in this case, I wouldn't not say anything at all. I think in this case, it is important for her to know how you feel about people in jail and how a 'normal' person should react to those people and the actions that led to their incarciration. Then, turn off your mike, step down from your soapbox, let it go, walk away, take a break. [/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]A situation like you describe doesn't sound like (to me) one of those times when you would need to detach as much as just saying your piece and then letting it go. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]You cannot control how she thinks, feels or behaves, but you can let her know how you feel about it and create boundaries for yourself/family. You cannot make her conform to those rules/boundaries. You can create consequences for her poor behavior that you need to follow through on, but you cannot control whether or not she chooses to behave in a way that results in her suffering the consequences of her actions. That is the time to detach and allow her to suffer the natural consequences of her actions/behavior. You can't save her from herself. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]Knowing when to detach and not detach and in what situations can be very difficult. Especially when you're dealing with your teen, in my opinion. She's old enough to have opinions (and to annoy you) and get into trouble, but not old enough to send her packing. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]Someone passed this link on to me a couple years ago, maybe from CD, I am not sure, but it helped me A LOT with detaching from my difficult child over the years and I am now using some of the tools to help me detach from my easy child. [URL]http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/[/URL][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]Check it out.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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