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Substance Abuse
How do you stop living in fear over what could happen to your difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 495074" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Sweetie, there isn't an easy way. You have to hold fast to the knowledge that continuing to support him financially, let him live with you, let him NOT live with the consequences of his actions, will make this so much worse. You MUST see a therapist to help with the codependency that is so very strong between the 2 of you. You were able to let oldest son go and live his life, you were able to trust that your J was such a strong, smart girl that she could handle her life. But with Middle? You have this block that keeps you from seeing how strong he really is.</p><p></p><p>He IS strong enough to make it. I KNOW this like I know my name. You know I met him. You know i like him. He isn't just charismatic, he is an amazing person with an incredible mind. Until now he has not HAD to make it. You have allowed him to remain in a child-like state where you and husband provide for him. He goes and parties and drinks and has kids and a wife and whatever else and then comes home to Mommy when it gets uncomfortable or too real for him to handle.</p><p></p><p>I know he has problems. Again, I have seen some and have known you quite a while. He also has the skills to figure out how to handle his problems. It isn't easy or fun to make him go and use them, but if he is EVER going to succeed he MUST go out and start to learn to be independent.</p><p></p><p>YOU need to sit down and work out exactly what YOU get out of having him be dependent on you, and of being dependent on him. If nothing else, he fills that need for chaos and drama in your life. we all have it to some degree, but some of us need a lot mroe than others. YOU are getting some payout from him being so dependent. I don't say this to be mean or to say you are not a good mom. You are an amazing mom and your love for all of your kids just is as apparent as your nose or eyes or any other part of you. But you and middle son have this bond that isn't really healthy. He turns to you to fix his life when it isn't your place to do so. </p><p></p><p>It will not be easy. It is do-able. You have to FIGHT for him by fighting to NOT help him. So counter0ntuitive and SO against what instinct may tell you. But the bond that you have is crippling him. You provide what he MUST learn to provide for himself.</p><p></p><p>I grew up able to do a LOT of things my peers couldn't. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, most tasks involved in running a home by the time I was 14 or 15. NONE of my friends did this stuff, or they were way behind. Heck, my bff from childhood couldn't run the washer until after she was in college for a few months. My mom INSISTED that gfgbro and I BOTH were able to do that stuff. Not just me, both of us. Her mom died when she was a kid and they had a housekeeper who wouldn't take the time to make her learn to do anything. Her dad always wanted a boy and had 3 girls instead and he raised her more like a boy after that. She has described having to call the hotel for help to operate the coffee maker on her honeymoon because NO ONE ever expected her to do it and no one let her learn how. It was too much hassle to let her make mistakes and learn from them. So my mom raised us to do ALL that stuff quite early just in case something happened to her. She wanted us to be prepared to survive in life should she die suddenly. It is NOT the way most of us think, but is IS how I was raised. My kids can do a lot too, because it never occurred to me to NOT have them do all that stuff.</p><p></p><p>What would happen to Middle son if you suddenly were not there? I promise that he would survive. It wouldn't be easy, but he CAN do it. He fathered 3 kids now, isn't it time he start acting like a father and not a teenage kid living at home with mom and dad? He is going to spin stories about being hungry and homeless. that is going to hurt and hurt you bad. That is EXACTLY why he will tell you those things. Will they be true? Some, maybe. Not all. He is just very gifted at talking his way into things.</p><p></p><p>It is time for him to grow up and for you to face that he isn't fixable BY YOU.</p><p></p><p>You keep wanting to FIX him and make him all better and okay. Pretty arrogant, isn't it? I am NOT saying that to be mean or to hurt you. I had to learn it also and it HURT when I first was told that. But it was a hurt I NEEDED to feel to change how I thought and to stop making it okay for Wiz to hurt us. You KNOW how much I love Wiz, and how much it hurt when I had to say he couldn't live with us because it was just too dangerous. I kept him at home with-o intensive treatment far longer than I should have. mostly because I thought I could FIX him.</p><p></p><p>the ONLY person who can fix your son is your son. You are just getting into his way. He seems to feel a drive to go down this path and you, sweetie, must let him go ALL the way to the end alone. NOT with-o your love, but with your love being strong enough to let him go and let him learn and grow and fall and fail and succeed and thrive. </p><p></p><p>If he keeps coming home to Mommy and Daddy, he will NEVER be the father you much beloved grandbabies need. Focus your energies on them and away from middle son.</p><p></p><p>Alabamagirl is right - sometimes saying NO is the most loving response. In this situation, Middle needs to find his own place to stay when he is released. he needs to find his own $$. Every time you give him something you take away something FAR bigger - his self reliance and independence. </p><p></p><p>I know you are strong enough to do this. If you can't know that you are strong enough, use my faith IN YOU and IN MIDDLE to lean on until you are. You are BOTH so strong and you CAN handle this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 495074, member: 1233"] Sweetie, there isn't an easy way. You have to hold fast to the knowledge that continuing to support him financially, let him live with you, let him NOT live with the consequences of his actions, will make this so much worse. You MUST see a therapist to help with the codependency that is so very strong between the 2 of you. You were able to let oldest son go and live his life, you were able to trust that your J was such a strong, smart girl that she could handle her life. But with Middle? You have this block that keeps you from seeing how strong he really is. He IS strong enough to make it. I KNOW this like I know my name. You know I met him. You know i like him. He isn't just charismatic, he is an amazing person with an incredible mind. Until now he has not HAD to make it. You have allowed him to remain in a child-like state where you and husband provide for him. He goes and parties and drinks and has kids and a wife and whatever else and then comes home to Mommy when it gets uncomfortable or too real for him to handle. I know he has problems. Again, I have seen some and have known you quite a while. He also has the skills to figure out how to handle his problems. It isn't easy or fun to make him go and use them, but if he is EVER going to succeed he MUST go out and start to learn to be independent. YOU need to sit down and work out exactly what YOU get out of having him be dependent on you, and of being dependent on him. If nothing else, he fills that need for chaos and drama in your life. we all have it to some degree, but some of us need a lot mroe than others. YOU are getting some payout from him being so dependent. I don't say this to be mean or to say you are not a good mom. You are an amazing mom and your love for all of your kids just is as apparent as your nose or eyes or any other part of you. But you and middle son have this bond that isn't really healthy. He turns to you to fix his life when it isn't your place to do so. It will not be easy. It is do-able. You have to FIGHT for him by fighting to NOT help him. So counter0ntuitive and SO against what instinct may tell you. But the bond that you have is crippling him. You provide what he MUST learn to provide for himself. I grew up able to do a LOT of things my peers couldn't. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, most tasks involved in running a home by the time I was 14 or 15. NONE of my friends did this stuff, or they were way behind. Heck, my bff from childhood couldn't run the washer until after she was in college for a few months. My mom INSISTED that gfgbro and I BOTH were able to do that stuff. Not just me, both of us. Her mom died when she was a kid and they had a housekeeper who wouldn't take the time to make her learn to do anything. Her dad always wanted a boy and had 3 girls instead and he raised her more like a boy after that. She has described having to call the hotel for help to operate the coffee maker on her honeymoon because NO ONE ever expected her to do it and no one let her learn how. It was too much hassle to let her make mistakes and learn from them. So my mom raised us to do ALL that stuff quite early just in case something happened to her. She wanted us to be prepared to survive in life should she die suddenly. It is NOT the way most of us think, but is IS how I was raised. My kids can do a lot too, because it never occurred to me to NOT have them do all that stuff. What would happen to Middle son if you suddenly were not there? I promise that he would survive. It wouldn't be easy, but he CAN do it. He fathered 3 kids now, isn't it time he start acting like a father and not a teenage kid living at home with mom and dad? He is going to spin stories about being hungry and homeless. that is going to hurt and hurt you bad. That is EXACTLY why he will tell you those things. Will they be true? Some, maybe. Not all. He is just very gifted at talking his way into things. It is time for him to grow up and for you to face that he isn't fixable BY YOU. You keep wanting to FIX him and make him all better and okay. Pretty arrogant, isn't it? I am NOT saying that to be mean or to hurt you. I had to learn it also and it HURT when I first was told that. But it was a hurt I NEEDED to feel to change how I thought and to stop making it okay for Wiz to hurt us. You KNOW how much I love Wiz, and how much it hurt when I had to say he couldn't live with us because it was just too dangerous. I kept him at home with-o intensive treatment far longer than I should have. mostly because I thought I could FIX him. the ONLY person who can fix your son is your son. You are just getting into his way. He seems to feel a drive to go down this path and you, sweetie, must let him go ALL the way to the end alone. NOT with-o your love, but with your love being strong enough to let him go and let him learn and grow and fall and fail and succeed and thrive. If he keeps coming home to Mommy and Daddy, he will NEVER be the father you much beloved grandbabies need. Focus your energies on them and away from middle son. Alabamagirl is right - sometimes saying NO is the most loving response. In this situation, Middle needs to find his own place to stay when he is released. he needs to find his own $$. Every time you give him something you take away something FAR bigger - his self reliance and independence. I know you are strong enough to do this. If you can't know that you are strong enough, use my faith IN YOU and IN MIDDLE to lean on until you are. You are BOTH so strong and you CAN handle this. [/QUOTE]
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How do you stop living in fear over what could happen to your difficult child?
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