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Substance Abuse
How do you stop living in fear over what could happen to your difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 495181" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>T - I don't think we ever stop living in fear. Depending on the parent, there's fear even with- the easy child's. I can only tell you that in my experience, when I made peace with the fact that I had done everything I knew to do and that I could do no more, I was able to coexist with the fear. I gotta tell you, I had it all planned out, how we were going to handle the logistics of one of us having to go up to the city to identify thank you's body. Morbid, but my worst fear, and one that I thought was not out of the realm of possible during those dark couple of years after he hit 18. But there was <em>absolutely positively nothing more I could do</em>. thank you had to figure it out, *if* he was ever going to figure it out. I could not think of anything more to get him pointed in the right direction.</p><p></p><p>I think the hardest thing I've ever done was tell him he couldn't come home when he hit 18 and had no where to go. He hadn't done anything for himself, hadn't prepared, hadn't finished school or gotten a job, was drugging and generally falling apart, yet was still blaming everyone else for his quality of life. I still think my decision was based more in selfishness than anything else, but I simply could *not* go back to living that way, and certainly couldn't put the younger sibs back into that fire. </p><p></p><p>I did backslide and asked him to come home after about 8 months, but he made that easy - wasn't ready to give up his "family" (street kids in the city) nor ready to stop the drugs. He left after a haircut and 36 hours. </p><p></p><p>We all want our kids to be okay. But if our wanting it was enough to "fix" our difficult children, we wouldn't still be here. They have to want it, and some of our kids have to really hit rock bottom like none of us could even imagine before they can start wanting it too. </p><p></p><p>Your mom couldn't fix you, mine sure as heck couldn't fix me. We had to figure it out. And so do our kids. As long as you leave the option open of him living with- you forever, you're giving him an excuse for *not* owning his own life. He's a husband, a father, an adult. It's time for him to step up. </p><p></p><p>It's excruciating to watch them stumble and be in pain, and it's incredibly hard not to want to pick them up when they're still making the same bad choices, but I think we *have* to just step back and let them get up on their own. And when they do? I'm all for helping them then, as long as they keep heading in the right direction. </p><p></p><p>Hang tough. Hugs to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 495181, member: 8"] T - I don't think we ever stop living in fear. Depending on the parent, there's fear even with- the easy child's. I can only tell you that in my experience, when I made peace with the fact that I had done everything I knew to do and that I could do no more, I was able to coexist with the fear. I gotta tell you, I had it all planned out, how we were going to handle the logistics of one of us having to go up to the city to identify thank you's body. Morbid, but my worst fear, and one that I thought was not out of the realm of possible during those dark couple of years after he hit 18. But there was [I]absolutely positively nothing more I could do[/I]. thank you had to figure it out, *if* he was ever going to figure it out. I could not think of anything more to get him pointed in the right direction. I think the hardest thing I've ever done was tell him he couldn't come home when he hit 18 and had no where to go. He hadn't done anything for himself, hadn't prepared, hadn't finished school or gotten a job, was drugging and generally falling apart, yet was still blaming everyone else for his quality of life. I still think my decision was based more in selfishness than anything else, but I simply could *not* go back to living that way, and certainly couldn't put the younger sibs back into that fire. I did backslide and asked him to come home after about 8 months, but he made that easy - wasn't ready to give up his "family" (street kids in the city) nor ready to stop the drugs. He left after a haircut and 36 hours. We all want our kids to be okay. But if our wanting it was enough to "fix" our difficult children, we wouldn't still be here. They have to want it, and some of our kids have to really hit rock bottom like none of us could even imagine before they can start wanting it too. Your mom couldn't fix you, mine sure as heck couldn't fix me. We had to figure it out. And so do our kids. As long as you leave the option open of him living with- you forever, you're giving him an excuse for *not* owning his own life. He's a husband, a father, an adult. It's time for him to step up. It's excruciating to watch them stumble and be in pain, and it's incredibly hard not to want to pick them up when they're still making the same bad choices, but I think we *have* to just step back and let them get up on their own. And when they do? I'm all for helping them then, as long as they keep heading in the right direction. Hang tough. Hugs to you. [/QUOTE]
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How do you stop living in fear over what could happen to your difficult child?
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