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Substance Abuse
How do you stop living in fear over what could happen to your difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 495419"><p>LMS and all,</p><p></p><p>Well this thread is very appropos to me right now as I am right in that spot at this moment. My son will be homeless today on some beach down south. I know without a doubt if he does not come to some epiphany and really get help in some significant way he will end up dead or in jail. At this point jail is sounding pretty good Occupational Therapist (OT) me. I realize I can handle jail. I tear up and my heart drops and I start to lose it a bit when I think about him dying, either by his own hand or by someone elses. I try to remind myself that he has shown in the past a pretty good survival instinct and right now I kind of have to trust that will win out. And if the worst does happen I just have to know I am a survivor and I will get through it somehow.</p><p></p><p>I do think that fear of them dying often keeps us wanting to rescue him... it is what makes me want to rescue him. I can understand letting him come live at home to avoid that worse possible scenario. However it is crystal clear to me that at this point rescuing him will not help him. He has hit bottom before and sought help... unfortunately I also think he takes the easy way out. The guy at the first sober house told me... drug addicts always take the easy way out. So I think my son has sought treatment as a way to avoid jail and to avoid being homeless which all made him really miserable... but I am not sure he really made the connection to his actions and jail and/or being homeless. I have to to let him make those connections which may mean letting him live on the streets. If he can come to me and get a solution he will do it. He did have a text convo with me yesterday but it ended after I told him to call the Salvation Army. I think he got I am not rescuing him this time and so the communication stopped. I suspect I will hear from him sometime today when he really has no place to go. And that will be really hard and really awful on me.</p><p></p><p>I have today off work so I slept in thinking I better sleep when I know he still has a bed....</p><p></p><p>So I am rambling a bit... in answer to your question. I don't think the fear goes away and can be excrutiating but I think the key is to find a way for it not to be debilitating. So for me I have decided I am not going to let my son ruin MY life. He may ruin his own and that will make me incredibly sad but it does not have to ruin my life. I am trying not to think about the worst scenarios because that doesn't help me. I know I have absolutely done all that I can to help him and more... it really is up to him. I can't help him get it together. I can't make him get it. I can't make him turn his life around. It has to come from him. He has to be the one to find the help he needs. And I have to let him find his way without me.</p><p></p><p>I am comforted by the fact that I know he will call us if he is in real trouble... it will be because he needs something but he will call. And I am going to try to assume no news is good news when we don't hear from him. I am obsessing a little but I am not letting it completely take over my life.</p><p></p><p>Alanon has been a huge help to me. I can undersand your resistance to going back but you are in a different place now, the people there will be different than before. I would not be where I am right now without alanon.... before I Was completely obsessed and possessed with his issues. I have realized I have to go on with my life.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 495419"] LMS and all, Well this thread is very appropos to me right now as I am right in that spot at this moment. My son will be homeless today on some beach down south. I know without a doubt if he does not come to some epiphany and really get help in some significant way he will end up dead or in jail. At this point jail is sounding pretty good Occupational Therapist (OT) me. I realize I can handle jail. I tear up and my heart drops and I start to lose it a bit when I think about him dying, either by his own hand or by someone elses. I try to remind myself that he has shown in the past a pretty good survival instinct and right now I kind of have to trust that will win out. And if the worst does happen I just have to know I am a survivor and I will get through it somehow. I do think that fear of them dying often keeps us wanting to rescue him... it is what makes me want to rescue him. I can understand letting him come live at home to avoid that worse possible scenario. However it is crystal clear to me that at this point rescuing him will not help him. He has hit bottom before and sought help... unfortunately I also think he takes the easy way out. The guy at the first sober house told me... drug addicts always take the easy way out. So I think my son has sought treatment as a way to avoid jail and to avoid being homeless which all made him really miserable... but I am not sure he really made the connection to his actions and jail and/or being homeless. I have to to let him make those connections which may mean letting him live on the streets. If he can come to me and get a solution he will do it. He did have a text convo with me yesterday but it ended after I told him to call the Salvation Army. I think he got I am not rescuing him this time and so the communication stopped. I suspect I will hear from him sometime today when he really has no place to go. And that will be really hard and really awful on me. I have today off work so I slept in thinking I better sleep when I know he still has a bed.... So I am rambling a bit... in answer to your question. I don't think the fear goes away and can be excrutiating but I think the key is to find a way for it not to be debilitating. So for me I have decided I am not going to let my son ruin MY life. He may ruin his own and that will make me incredibly sad but it does not have to ruin my life. I am trying not to think about the worst scenarios because that doesn't help me. I know I have absolutely done all that I can to help him and more... it really is up to him. I can't help him get it together. I can't make him get it. I can't make him turn his life around. It has to come from him. He has to be the one to find the help he needs. And I have to let him find his way without me. I am comforted by the fact that I know he will call us if he is in real trouble... it will be because he needs something but he will call. And I am going to try to assume no news is good news when we don't hear from him. I am obsessing a little but I am not letting it completely take over my life. Alanon has been a huge help to me. I can undersand your resistance to going back but you are in a different place now, the people there will be different than before. I would not be where I am right now without alanon.... before I Was completely obsessed and possessed with his issues. I have realized I have to go on with my life. TL [/QUOTE]
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How do you stop living in fear over what could happen to your difficult child?
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