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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 708896" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>A geneticist. Good idea!</p><p></p><p>I think your son seems remarkable in numerous positive ways:</p><p></p><p>1. he seems quite self-aware, remarkably so, for his age.</p><p></p><p>2. His use of language, very, very sophisticated. How very expressive he is.</p><p></p><p>3. His bonding with you, and his trust of you, seems palpable.</p><p></p><p>4. His awareness of g-d and his ability at this young age of the divine and the support there for him. (It took me maybe 60 years older to get this.)</p><p></p><p>5. Gosh, he is clever. He really nailed it. I do not much like being a big girl either, but I try, reluctantly.</p><p></p><p>That said:</p><p></p><p>This is what I would do (easy for me to say).</p><p></p><p>I believe truly in art and all expressive arts therapies which would include art, dance, music. There are clinics in big cities. I am thinking of Philadelphia here. Drexel University has a multi-art therapy clinic staffed by professors who have faculty practices as well of students. They work with children and adults.</p><p></p><p>The name of the clinic I believe is parkway, but it could be found by going to the website. I might try to read the short bios of the faculty members there (and other graduate programs for expressive arts therapies) and see who works with children.</p><p></p><p>I think I might call or email (what you have written to us was very thorough) and see if they might know colleagues near you and/or have ideas about what might support your son.</p><p></p><p>Your son is so smart and apt and seems to be able to connect so strongly I think he would do beautifully in expressive arts therapy. The more you can get him to move and to express himself...the better.</p><p></p><p>The music and art and movement might transport him to a place of healing, and give relief...and might be a way for him to express his individuality and his creative and spiritual force. Which I think may well be considerable.</p><p>I was going to mention above that I work with a rabbi for spiritual direction (who is also a dance and movement therapist) and this work is what got me out of the dark space I was in for that long time, and got me to see that it was redemptive as well as despair. I think body work and a focus on the pre-verbal, and touch might be good for him. I guess I think that for everybody but especially those among us who have been traumatized as he has. Something in him seems to have caused him traumatic pain. (If you google somatic therapies for trauma a number of books will come up. There are two prominent figures in this work: Peter Levine who is a neuropsychologist, I think, and an MD from Holland named something like Von Bessl. You will see his name. Even though your son has not suffered an externally presented trauma, he has been traumatized by his experience (you have too, really. This work is very readable and interesting, how movement discharges bodily held feelings.)</p><p>Look, ravis. Every. single. parent can be accused of this. I understand your son shares your genetic material. But to accuse your "want" for a baby, to share your love, as responsible for his pain, is taking a wild leap.</p><p></p><p>It is not that I do not understand why you would be motivated to do this.</p><p></p><p>I think we as parents want to take causal responsibility/and the self-accusation that comes with it to take the bullet, so it will not reach our beloved children, to relieve them of what they suffer by taking it on ourselves. There is a primeval urge to take the hit, so that they will not.</p><p></p><p>But it does not work. He does not need you either wounded or held accountable. It will not help. And it is not true.</p><p></p><p>My own son for a long time held me responsible for adopting him. Really? <em>And would say: you shouldn't have adopted me. You should have picked a better and more deserving child. Not somebody so defective as I am.</em></p><p></p><p>Great.</p><p></p><p>We have already crossed those bridges, way back down the road. Let it go. Try.</p><p>OK. Reframe here.</p><p></p><p>I want to hear exactly what are his behaviors and his distress because this is exactly what we have to solve here. This is our job. To address every single behavior. To provide him with the supports and interventions and the appropriate setting that will allow him to learn.</p><p></p><p>This is their job.</p><p></p><p>Every. single. thing. they. say: turn it back to them.</p><p></p><p>You already know the problems. What we need here are solutions.</p><p></p><p>The other idea I am having here is this: I wonder if there is spiritual direction for children?</p><p></p><p>One of my son's and my best memories is we used to go every Sunday to a Border's bookstore with a Toys R Us next door. This was my son's version of heaven. Well, the point is there was a homeless guy named Steve who we befriended who used to talk to g-d through his arm--yes--right in the crook of his elbow. Who told me that my son was like a Little Buddha, *but unfortunately I was not very spiritually evolved.</p><p></p><p>Could g-d help? A deeper connection with g-d? I have found that a lot of expressive arts therapists have a spiritual grounding.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes g-d is the only one who can help. I have found that out belatedly. Maybe your son is on to something.</p><p></p><p>I will try over the next couple of days to see what I see online with respect to spiritual direction and expressive arts therapy for children. I know that I am unlikely to find much out to help you (you have done everything a human mother could have thought to do...as far as I am concerned) but I am interested in what I am learning.</p><p></p><p>I hope I am not being insensitive (or do not mean to be) about the ARD meeting (is that like an IEP? I am in the States.) I used to feel like a cornered and trapped animal in those IEP's and my defense was extreme verbal aggression. Attack. Fury. They hated me.</p><p></p><p>It is so hard. I felt so stigmatized. So inadequate. So labeled and blamed. Hated. Really. That was what I felt like. Over my head. I felt ridiculed and ganged up on.</p><p></p><p>My son is getting better. At 28. I feel like I am a little girl at my birthday party and got all the presents in the world. And everybody is singing happy birthday, and I got my wish.</p><p></p><p>There is no way to know the end of the story and what all of this is for. This pilgrimage you are making with *and for, your beloved child.</p><p></p><p>I hope you keep posting. I will try not to be so long-winded. Your story touches me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 708896, member: 18958"] A geneticist. Good idea! I think your son seems remarkable in numerous positive ways: 1. he seems quite self-aware, remarkably so, for his age. 2. His use of language, very, very sophisticated. How very expressive he is. 3. His bonding with you, and his trust of you, seems palpable. 4. His awareness of g-d and his ability at this young age of the divine and the support there for him. (It took me maybe 60 years older to get this.) 5. Gosh, he is clever. He really nailed it. I do not much like being a big girl either, but I try, reluctantly. That said: This is what I would do (easy for me to say). I believe truly in art and all expressive arts therapies which would include art, dance, music. There are clinics in big cities. I am thinking of Philadelphia here. Drexel University has a multi-art therapy clinic staffed by professors who have faculty practices as well of students. They work with children and adults. The name of the clinic I believe is parkway, but it could be found by going to the website. I might try to read the short bios of the faculty members there (and other graduate programs for expressive arts therapies) and see who works with children. I think I might call or email (what you have written to us was very thorough) and see if they might know colleagues near you and/or have ideas about what might support your son. Your son is so smart and apt and seems to be able to connect so strongly I think he would do beautifully in expressive arts therapy. The more you can get him to move and to express himself...the better. The music and art and movement might transport him to a place of healing, and give relief...and might be a way for him to express his individuality and his creative and spiritual force. Which I think may well be considerable. I was going to mention above that I work with a rabbi for spiritual direction (who is also a dance and movement therapist) and this work is what got me out of the dark space I was in for that long time, and got me to see that it was redemptive as well as despair. I think body work and a focus on the pre-verbal, and touch might be good for him. I guess I think that for everybody but especially those among us who have been traumatized as he has. Something in him seems to have caused him traumatic pain. (If you google somatic therapies for trauma a number of books will come up. There are two prominent figures in this work: Peter Levine who is a neuropsychologist, I think, and an MD from Holland named something like Von Bessl. You will see his name. Even though your son has not suffered an externally presented trauma, he has been traumatized by his experience (you have too, really. This work is very readable and interesting, how movement discharges bodily held feelings.) Look, ravis. Every. single. parent can be accused of this. I understand your son shares your genetic material. But to accuse your "want" for a baby, to share your love, as responsible for his pain, is taking a wild leap. It is not that I do not understand why you would be motivated to do this. I think we as parents want to take causal responsibility/and the self-accusation that comes with it to take the bullet, so it will not reach our beloved children, to relieve them of what they suffer by taking it on ourselves. There is a primeval urge to take the hit, so that they will not. But it does not work. He does not need you either wounded or held accountable. It will not help. And it is not true. My own son for a long time held me responsible for adopting him. Really? [I]And would say: you shouldn't have adopted me. You should have picked a better and more deserving child. Not somebody so defective as I am.[/I] Great. We have already crossed those bridges, way back down the road. Let it go. Try. OK. Reframe here. I want to hear exactly what are his behaviors and his distress because this is exactly what we have to solve here. This is our job. To address every single behavior. To provide him with the supports and interventions and the appropriate setting that will allow him to learn. This is their job. Every. single. thing. they. say: turn it back to them. You already know the problems. What we need here are solutions. The other idea I am having here is this: I wonder if there is spiritual direction for children? One of my son's and my best memories is we used to go every Sunday to a Border's bookstore with a Toys R Us next door. This was my son's version of heaven. Well, the point is there was a homeless guy named Steve who we befriended who used to talk to g-d through his arm--yes--right in the crook of his elbow. Who told me that my son was like a Little Buddha, *but unfortunately I was not very spiritually evolved. Could g-d help? A deeper connection with g-d? I have found that a lot of expressive arts therapists have a spiritual grounding. Sometimes g-d is the only one who can help. I have found that out belatedly. Maybe your son is on to something. I will try over the next couple of days to see what I see online with respect to spiritual direction and expressive arts therapy for children. I know that I am unlikely to find much out to help you (you have done everything a human mother could have thought to do...as far as I am concerned) but I am interested in what I am learning. I hope I am not being insensitive (or do not mean to be) about the ARD meeting (is that like an IEP? I am in the States.) I used to feel like a cornered and trapped animal in those IEP's and my defense was extreme verbal aggression. Attack. Fury. They hated me. It is so hard. I felt so stigmatized. So inadequate. So labeled and blamed. Hated. Really. That was what I felt like. Over my head. I felt ridiculed and ganged up on. My son is getting better. At 28. I feel like I am a little girl at my birthday party and got all the presents in the world. And everybody is singing happy birthday, and I got my wish. There is no way to know the end of the story and what all of this is for. This pilgrimage you are making with *and for, your beloved child. I hope you keep posting. I will try not to be so long-winded. Your story touches me. [/QUOTE]
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