Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
How much did you cry? And do you think they cried over you?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 667429" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Taking responsibility is how we created a sense of control I think, Copa. It was how we made sense out of chaos and kept ourselves sane. If it was somehow our fault, we could try very much harder not to create those situations again. </p><p></p><p></p><p>That was the only protection the little girls we were had, Copa.</p><p></p><p>It was that way for me too until one day, through our work here, I got through that shame based core at the heart of me enough to get a glimmering that things were not as they seemed, with my lovely family of origin.</p><p></p><p>In fact, they were not very lovely, at all.</p><p></p><p>Especially, my sister seems very not lovely to me, now that I am refusing to see her as a little girl, as a child smaller than me who needs protection.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, I wish you'd been given your grandfather's watch, Copa. A timepiece from another time, something come of the male line.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My sister does that, too. I think it has something to do with delegitimizing the other sibs. It has to do with power over. There is no generosity, but much self-justification, in much of what our sisters do.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Just lately, I have been able to realize that my relationship to my mother has nothing to do with my sister. My mother's relationship to me is as she chooses it to be.</p><p></p><p>It is empowering to see this way.</p><p></p><p>Like it or not, my relationship to my mother has nothing to do with my sister.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We have seen the true nature of Serenity's sister through the juvenile nastiness of her posts threatening Serenity, here. Do you remember the questions Serenity asked during that time, Copa?</p><p></p><p>I ask those same questions.</p><p></p><p>So do you.</p><p></p><p>The answer is: Abusers abuse because they are abusers. They blame others (you, me, a husband, a child) to manipulate themselves into power over positions, taking the mother for themselves too, if they can do it, just as my sister has done.</p><p></p><p>Just as your sister did, for all those years until your mother needed protection.</p><p></p><p>And you came home.</p><p></p><p>And you protected.</p><p></p><p>And the sister is outraged that this is so.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>As we heal Copa, we will be more able to see clearly. Right now, just that you are asking the questions in a different way now makes me very proud for you.</p><p></p><p>Why did you need to be subordinated is less the question I think than why your sister (and mine) hate their sisters and want to devour their mothers.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>She has tricked and hurt and shamed you, Copa. My sister has done those things, too. Serenity posted to me this morning that anger is just a part of our healing. We will come out the other side as kind and filled with integrity as we have always been. </p><p></p><p>Have at it.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, at least you have us.</p><p></p><p>That was a joke.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I was never a gracious loser, Copa. It isn't in me to cede the field. There was a period in my healing here when I began seeing everything through a filter of what I did not have, or of what was lost. I felt stupidly naive or duped; I conceded the field. But when that happened, I no longer had to protect my sister, right? She had won everything and I had nothing, not even my own mother.</p><p></p><p>So, I was pretty sad and felt useless and ridiculous and foolish.</p><p></p><p>But then, all at once, I realized my mother's relationship to me has nothing to do with my sister. I may not like my mother's way that she sees and treats me, but it has nothing to do with my sister. </p><p></p><p>Then, I began having the coolest ability to see my sister for who she is,for who she has always been, even when we were little girls. It's like she's been after me forever. Like I am the one she's been out to supercede. That's why the picture she sent. That's why the picture in the bathroom. That's why the plaque.</p><p></p><p>That's why she stalked and hurt my daughter.</p><p></p><p>So, that is what comes next for you I think, Copa.</p><p></p><p>It's amazingly freeing.</p><p></p><p>Those two changes in perspective are amazingly freeing.</p><p></p><p>I wonder whether I will always be angry. Serenity assures me this is not so. We will be fine, Copa. You are coming through it right now.</p><p></p><p>Who cares whether you are in bed.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, that is where you feel safe enough to do your best thinking.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard to revisit old trauma without retraumatizing ourselves.</p><p></p><p>We are right here, Copa. Serenity has been through these steps. I am coming through them. You are beginning.</p><p></p><p>Freedom, a kind of freedom unimaginable to you now, is just around the next bend.</p><p></p><p>It's going to be a hard thing.</p><p></p><p>It was for me, for the longest time.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I wish she could come back too, Copa.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry she is gone.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 667429, member: 17461"] Taking responsibility is how we created a sense of control I think, Copa. It was how we made sense out of chaos and kept ourselves sane. If it was somehow our fault, we could try very much harder not to create those situations again. That was the only protection the little girls we were had, Copa. It was that way for me too until one day, through our work here, I got through that shame based core at the heart of me enough to get a glimmering that things were not as they seemed, with my lovely family of origin. In fact, they were not very lovely, at all. Especially, my sister seems very not lovely to me, now that I am refusing to see her as a little girl, as a child smaller than me who needs protection. Oh, I wish you'd been given your grandfather's watch, Copa. A timepiece from another time, something come of the male line. My sister does that, too. I think it has something to do with delegitimizing the other sibs. It has to do with power over. There is no generosity, but much self-justification, in much of what our sisters do. Just lately, I have been able to realize that my relationship to my mother has nothing to do with my sister. My mother's relationship to me is as she chooses it to be. It is empowering to see this way. Like it or not, my relationship to my mother has nothing to do with my sister. We have seen the true nature of Serenity's sister through the juvenile nastiness of her posts threatening Serenity, here. Do you remember the questions Serenity asked during that time, Copa? I ask those same questions. So do you. The answer is: Abusers abuse because they are abusers. They blame others (you, me, a husband, a child) to manipulate themselves into power over positions, taking the mother for themselves too, if they can do it, just as my sister has done. Just as your sister did, for all those years until your mother needed protection. And you came home. And you protected. And the sister is outraged that this is so. As we heal Copa, we will be more able to see clearly. Right now, just that you are asking the questions in a different way now makes me very proud for you. Why did you need to be subordinated is less the question I think than why your sister (and mine) hate their sisters and want to devour their mothers. She has tricked and hurt and shamed you, Copa. My sister has done those things, too. Serenity posted to me this morning that anger is just a part of our healing. We will come out the other side as kind and filled with integrity as we have always been. Have at it. :O) Well, at least you have us. That was a joke. I was never a gracious loser, Copa. It isn't in me to cede the field. There was a period in my healing here when I began seeing everything through a filter of what I did not have, or of what was lost. I felt stupidly naive or duped; I conceded the field. But when that happened, I no longer had to protect my sister, right? She had won everything and I had nothing, not even my own mother. So, I was pretty sad and felt useless and ridiculous and foolish. But then, all at once, I realized my mother's relationship to me has nothing to do with my sister. I may not like my mother's way that she sees and treats me, but it has nothing to do with my sister. Then, I began having the coolest ability to see my sister for who she is,for who she has always been, even when we were little girls. It's like she's been after me forever. Like I am the one she's been out to supercede. That's why the picture she sent. That's why the picture in the bathroom. That's why the plaque. That's why she stalked and hurt my daughter. So, that is what comes next for you I think, Copa. It's amazingly freeing. Those two changes in perspective are amazingly freeing. I wonder whether I will always be angry. Serenity assures me this is not so. We will be fine, Copa. You are coming through it right now. Who cares whether you are in bed. Maybe, that is where you feel safe enough to do your best thinking. It is very hard to revisit old trauma without retraumatizing ourselves. We are right here, Copa. Serenity has been through these steps. I am coming through them. You are beginning. Freedom, a kind of freedom unimaginable to you now, is just around the next bend. It's going to be a hard thing. It was for me, for the longest time. I wish she could come back too, Copa. I am so sorry she is gone. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
How much did you cry? And do you think they cried over you?
Top