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How much did you cry? And do you think they cried over you?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 667437" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Towards the end my Mother said, "you always told me how she was...(my sister) from the time she was a girl. I didn't believe you." And we each smiled at the other. That kind of smile of understanding, and sadness and regret and forgiveness and love. Not the funny kind of smile. I loved her so much.</p><p></p><p>I think she knew. Those months were heroic. Those last months. I regret nothing. I loved her so much. </p><p></p><p>I am thinking here about M. My thinks I am capable of great love. I think he feels I am like his Mother in this.</p><p></p><p>He has said it more than once. Once he said, had you had a mother like I had, and had not been so afraid, imagine what you would have done with it?</p><p></p><p>And a few weeks ago, I said to him? You know M, I have a lot of love to give.</p><p></p><p>And he answered, You don't even know how much. </p><p></p><p>So, I guess I am writing this here, in a way to soothe myself. My mother must have known who I am. I think she did. I think she took heart at the end that I had grown in confidence. She saw me whole and strong. No longer angry. </p><p></p><p>I think she forgave herself...where I am concerned...(not so for leaving my grandfather to die alone.) </p><p></p><p>Remember the story about my 4th grade teacher. It was after the divorce. And he called her to school to talk. For 55 years the story had always been the same.</p><p></p><p>His name was Mr. Wilson. She told her that I was so smart I could be anything in the world. Even president. She loved that story. And would repeat it often.</p><p></p><p>Until in the months before she died, the real story came out. He had told her...COPA does not have confidence in herself. She could be anything in the world, she is smart enough. But she lacks confidence. And my mother could not bear the guilt that it was her fault. </p><p></p><p>So at the end of the day with my mother and I it was a difficult child problem. She must have accused herself, blamed herself. </p><p>No it is not a joke. Thank you. Right now, that I have you and M and my animals...and increasingly my son...it is everything. I just want to get out of bed, too. And go somewhere. Now I am looking into Dubuque Iowa. Maybe I only need to go to the Eastern Big City for a period of time, to get my Tango back and my needlework skills. </p><p></p><p>I read about Dubuque today. It is a working class, Democrat city on the river. It has hills and historic neighborhoods. I will look at a map. It might be half the distance from here. </p><p>Do you think there is a chance she could back, Cedar? I am not kidding here. I need her back with me, now. Crying. </p><p></p><p>She loved Latin Music. Once we went to a concert when I was in High School. La la bamba. La la bamba. I forget the singer's name. We were almost the only gringos. Maybe that is where I got it from. And you know she was a phenomenal dancer. Loved to dance. Maybe that is how I can get her to come back. I love my Mama.</p><p></p><p>I just never knew how much.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 667437, member: 18958"] Towards the end my Mother said, "you always told me how she was...(my sister) from the time she was a girl. I didn't believe you." And we each smiled at the other. That kind of smile of understanding, and sadness and regret and forgiveness and love. Not the funny kind of smile. I loved her so much. I think she knew. Those months were heroic. Those last months. I regret nothing. I loved her so much. I am thinking here about M. My thinks I am capable of great love. I think he feels I am like his Mother in this. He has said it more than once. Once he said, had you had a mother like I had, and had not been so afraid, imagine what you would have done with it? And a few weeks ago, I said to him? You know M, I have a lot of love to give. And he answered, You don't even know how much. So, I guess I am writing this here, in a way to soothe myself. My mother must have known who I am. I think she did. I think she took heart at the end that I had grown in confidence. She saw me whole and strong. No longer angry. I think she forgave herself...where I am concerned...(not so for leaving my grandfather to die alone.) Remember the story about my 4th grade teacher. It was after the divorce. And he called her to school to talk. For 55 years the story had always been the same. His name was Mr. Wilson. She told her that I was so smart I could be anything in the world. Even president. She loved that story. And would repeat it often. Until in the months before she died, the real story came out. He had told her...COPA does not have confidence in herself. She could be anything in the world, she is smart enough. But she lacks confidence. And my mother could not bear the guilt that it was her fault. So at the end of the day with my mother and I it was a difficult child problem. She must have accused herself, blamed herself. No it is not a joke. Thank you. Right now, that I have you and M and my animals...and increasingly my son...it is everything. I just want to get out of bed, too. And go somewhere. Now I am looking into Dubuque Iowa. Maybe I only need to go to the Eastern Big City for a period of time, to get my Tango back and my needlework skills. I read about Dubuque today. It is a working class, Democrat city on the river. It has hills and historic neighborhoods. I will look at a map. It might be half the distance from here. Do you think there is a chance she could back, Cedar? I am not kidding here. I need her back with me, now. Crying. She loved Latin Music. Once we went to a concert when I was in High School. La la bamba. La la bamba. I forget the singer's name. We were almost the only gringos. Maybe that is where I got it from. And you know she was a phenomenal dancer. Loved to dance. Maybe that is how I can get her to come back. I love my Mama. I just never knew how much. [/QUOTE]
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How much did you cry? And do you think they cried over you?
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