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How to even talk on the phone with my son....
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 656670" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Lil...I think the message you gave Copa was great.</p><p></p><p>However, I think "less is more." I wouldn't even say that much.</p><p></p><p>"Hmmmmmm. Ok." Is really enough. I think just moving onto another topic or acting bored and not interrupting if he insists on talking about it nonstop is another option. And you're right. I used to chat a lot on a few MIRC politics channels and you get to know the chatters pretty well, sort of like we get to know each other here. One man around 40 sticks out in my mind because he had a PhD and was clearly brilliant. But he truly believed that Obama was going to try to go door to door to take guns and that there would be a big war, which he'd avoid because he had a stash of ammo, food and other comforts in the basement of his country home, which was off the grid. Talking with him interested me because he was sincere, if good-humored. He did not want the government to even know where he lived and had paid off his house and did not pay bills...not sure how that works. Maybe he is handy and does his electricity himself? He farmed and hunted and did not shop for food.</p><p></p><p>When people are that paranoid about the government and think the end of the world is nearing any second, I just kind of ask questions sometimes, because I'm interested, but I would not enjoy it if it were a child of mine. However I wouldn't ridicule it either. I'd probably just nod and leave it with, "Well, we'll see. Sounds scary." But I wouldn't want to encourage the conversation.</p><p></p><p>It's amazing how many people do worry about this and load up on weapons that would do an army proud. I don't get it, but they probably think I"m nuts for not worrying about it and stockpiling weapons and getting off the grid (shrug). I guess they just need to see that nothing is going to happen, like the people who were so afraid of y2k. Many of those "politics" folks were stocking up for the horrors that would overtake America after y2k. You'd be surprised.</p><p></p><p>Copa...I hope you don't take this wrong because I mean it gently and I may be way off base too.</p><p></p><p>If you are fighting with your son about trivial things (and his thoughts about nonsense ARE trivial)...did you do this with your mother? Don't answer here. Just think about it. Don't repeat the dynamics from your childhood with your son. I swore I'd be the opposite of my mother and, honestly, I know I have. I let them think what they want because that is their right. I end every phone call or text or Skype with "I love you." I lavish them with praise. I bite my tongue and really have done well in the negativity department. I have preserved a good relationship even with my two kids who have been in trouble...Princess and Bart. No names were shouted in anger.The world "stupid" is banned from my vocabulary to my kids and to my husband. That is such a hurtful word. Not saying you call your son stupid...I'm sure you don't...but even saying "That's a stupid choice"...I don't use that word. Maybe I think it's worse than it is, but I heard it constantly. I am more likely to ask, "Do you feel that's a good choice?"</p><p></p><p>My youngest is doing something soon that I feel will hurt her. It's no big deal, but I want to tell her not to go because it will hurt her. I know her so well. But she isn't going to not go if I say that and it is up to her to learn. Your son will learn that these things he is worried about are not going to happen when they don't happen.</p><p></p><p>Be good to yourself. Don't fight with the son you love so much. Try to keep topics neutral, safe for now. I mean, of course you don't have to. It's just in my opinion a good way to keep the relationship from getting contentious and showing your love.</p><p></p><p>Nothing says love like when you bite your tongue when your child says something you know is either outrageous or hurtful to him/her. Although I can have a big mouth and know how to use it (learned it well from E.), I rarely use it on my children and they get an apology if I slip. I did not lose it on Goneboy either, but I did say more than I should have when tempers were hot and I'm sure that contributed to his being gone. An apology didn't work and something else probably would have triggered his gone-ness some day anyhow because of his attachment problems, but that just reminded me all over again that even a disagreement, if you think you have a better point than your child, can cause harm, especially in a vulnerable child adopted from overseas and not here as an infant.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't want my kids to think of me the way I think of E. And they don't!! God help me, they don't. Except for Goneboy, they are very much in my life and my grands will be too. God bless Skype for my MIssouri grandson.</p><p></p><p>If you think this is a family of origin problem, do get help and ,no, you don't talk about it here, to us. Just food for thought that you can dump in the trash <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 656670, member: 1550"] Lil...I think the message you gave Copa was great. However, I think "less is more." I wouldn't even say that much. "Hmmmmmm. Ok." Is really enough. I think just moving onto another topic or acting bored and not interrupting if he insists on talking about it nonstop is another option. And you're right. I used to chat a lot on a few MIRC politics channels and you get to know the chatters pretty well, sort of like we get to know each other here. One man around 40 sticks out in my mind because he had a PhD and was clearly brilliant. But he truly believed that Obama was going to try to go door to door to take guns and that there would be a big war, which he'd avoid because he had a stash of ammo, food and other comforts in the basement of his country home, which was off the grid. Talking with him interested me because he was sincere, if good-humored. He did not want the government to even know where he lived and had paid off his house and did not pay bills...not sure how that works. Maybe he is handy and does his electricity himself? He farmed and hunted and did not shop for food. When people are that paranoid about the government and think the end of the world is nearing any second, I just kind of ask questions sometimes, because I'm interested, but I would not enjoy it if it were a child of mine. However I wouldn't ridicule it either. I'd probably just nod and leave it with, "Well, we'll see. Sounds scary." But I wouldn't want to encourage the conversation. It's amazing how many people do worry about this and load up on weapons that would do an army proud. I don't get it, but they probably think I"m nuts for not worrying about it and stockpiling weapons and getting off the grid (shrug). I guess they just need to see that nothing is going to happen, like the people who were so afraid of y2k. Many of those "politics" folks were stocking up for the horrors that would overtake America after y2k. You'd be surprised. Copa...I hope you don't take this wrong because I mean it gently and I may be way off base too. If you are fighting with your son about trivial things (and his thoughts about nonsense ARE trivial)...did you do this with your mother? Don't answer here. Just think about it. Don't repeat the dynamics from your childhood with your son. I swore I'd be the opposite of my mother and, honestly, I know I have. I let them think what they want because that is their right. I end every phone call or text or Skype with "I love you." I lavish them with praise. I bite my tongue and really have done well in the negativity department. I have preserved a good relationship even with my two kids who have been in trouble...Princess and Bart. No names were shouted in anger.The world "stupid" is banned from my vocabulary to my kids and to my husband. That is such a hurtful word. Not saying you call your son stupid...I'm sure you don't...but even saying "That's a stupid choice"...I don't use that word. Maybe I think it's worse than it is, but I heard it constantly. I am more likely to ask, "Do you feel that's a good choice?" My youngest is doing something soon that I feel will hurt her. It's no big deal, but I want to tell her not to go because it will hurt her. I know her so well. But she isn't going to not go if I say that and it is up to her to learn. Your son will learn that these things he is worried about are not going to happen when they don't happen. Be good to yourself. Don't fight with the son you love so much. Try to keep topics neutral, safe for now. I mean, of course you don't have to. It's just in my opinion a good way to keep the relationship from getting contentious and showing your love. Nothing says love like when you bite your tongue when your child says something you know is either outrageous or hurtful to him/her. Although I can have a big mouth and know how to use it (learned it well from E.), I rarely use it on my children and they get an apology if I slip. I did not lose it on Goneboy either, but I did say more than I should have when tempers were hot and I'm sure that contributed to his being gone. An apology didn't work and something else probably would have triggered his gone-ness some day anyhow because of his attachment problems, but that just reminded me all over again that even a disagreement, if you think you have a better point than your child, can cause harm, especially in a vulnerable child adopted from overseas and not here as an infant. I don't want my kids to think of me the way I think of E. And they don't!! God help me, they don't. Except for Goneboy, they are very much in my life and my grands will be too. God bless Skype for my MIssouri grandson. If you think this is a family of origin problem, do get help and ,no, you don't talk about it here, to us. Just food for thought that you can dump in the trash ;) [/QUOTE]
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