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General Parenting
How to Get Them into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)?
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<blockquote data-quote="WSM" data-source="post: 241330" data-attributes="member: 5169"><p>Wow, thank you for your replies; I really appreciate how much time you all put into them. </p><p> </p><p>Two things jumped out at me that echo the fears I have in my heart: one, that your son 'honeymooned' for 18 months, and it took them a long time to see the problems we see at home.</p><p> </p><p>Dear heavens that is what is so frustrating NOW for us. Out in the world, difficult child is a timid, wounded puppy dog who has good manners and is victimized by mean people, mostly his family, mainly his parents. Last year it was me 'abusing' him, this year he seems to have switched to my husband being the abuser. The schools all love him and don't understand what our problem with him is. He's in a military school now and they are the same. They've excused him from homework, uniform wearing, and having an agenda every day. To be fair, he's kind of different from the other kids, he's one of the youngest, is skinny and quiet, and his acting out is passive aggressive and very covert. Most of the others are from Miami's impoverished neighborhoods, are belligerent, overtly angry, and big, most are between 15-17 years old. I think the difference works very much to his advantage and he knows it.</p><p> </p><p>The other fear I have is that some of these places are mere holding tanks for kids no one wants, and they have a veneer of therapy to get the money, but that's that. They are warehouses.</p><p> </p><p>difficult child is one step away from the juvenile detention center. Several probation officers have told him bluntly he will be raped there, the staff can't watch you all the time, and that he will be teased and beaten. I don't know if it's true or if they were just trying to scare him straight, but I fear it for him. </p><p> </p><p>My husband during one particularly awful time when difficult child quietly slipped husband's new laptop into the pool when no one was looking, yelled at him that he had a nice home and people who love him and why can't he appreciate it? He said, if you go to the dentention center, maybe then you'll appreciate what you have here. But you said that wasn't the case with your son. I suspect it wouldn't be the case with ours either.</p><p> </p><p>difficult child also knows how to 'talk the talk'. He's had so much therapy, he knows how to play many therapists (not all). He knows the jargon and the catch words: "I just want positive attention", "I'm just want positive reinforcement." "I just want to be alone with my dad" (but when he gets it, he punishes dad). What he really wants is rewards for 'not doing' things. He wants to be rewarded for not throwing away his shoes. For not tearing up his homework, for not pouring syrup on his bed, for not taking weapons to school. And he desperately wants to the right to misbehave without consequences. People feel so sorry for him (or are so unsettled by him maybe), a lot of times they DO let him get away with it.</p><p> </p><p>His goals in life are different from everyone else's. </p><p> </p><p>I am also afraid that we'd end up with the same problems when he got out as when he went in. After all that money and aggravation and hope. My husband says, 'at least we'd get a break'.</p><p> </p><p>>>RTCs are not just for a mildly troubled kid. They are intense, demanding, and in my opinion pretty sterile and void of affection. For some kids, this is exactly what they need to get back on track. In my son's situation, I looked high and low for a place that was more of a group setting, that also had 24/7 counseling and medication checks. It is a really comprehensive decision, that takes many months to research in order to find the right fit for your child.<<</p><p> </p><p>difficult child is not mildly troubled. He's profoundly troubled, possibly hearing voices (altho probably not), and has a severe thinking disorder. He's also deeply angry, probably a better word is severely enraged, cold rage--and he NEVER expresses it verbally, ever. Not in therapy, not at home, ever. It comes out in 'games' like throwing electronics in the pool, abuse allegations, and one of his newest games, needing to be ordered to do basic things like go to the bathroom or eat. If you don't order him to, he won't; he will pee his bed and then cry. He will refuse to eat. </p><p> </p><p>difficult child might need an intense demanding place. We found a well regarded Residential Treatment Center (RTC) 7 miles away run by a church. It had trained married couples as house parents, two individual therapy sessions a day and one group therapy session, and a psychiatrist twice a week. They came home on weekends. It only cost $300 a month, and $150 if parents participated etc... It was clean, new, comfortable, they went to the local public school which was good. They refused to take him; difficult child's problems were too severe no matter how well behaved he was. My husband just about cried as we left. </p><p> </p><p>We can't afford anything. We would need the school system to pay for it or the state. Last year the school ordered a full psychological/psychiatric assessment. I forget what it was called. But it resulted in a scale that had recommendations of what therapy the student needs. difficult child was three points away from recommendation to a residential facility. And the assessors didn't know about his self harming/suicide threat or about the violent picture, the stabbing of his mattress or the knifing a bean bag chair. I wasn't there and husband forgot to mention these things. </p><p> </p><p>I'm hoping to get a new assessment (have to wait until summer) and that he will be 3 points lower (there's new behaviors since the last assessment, plus this time there will be no forgetting important information). If the school psychiatric assessment, the one demanded by the IEP recommends residential therapeutic education, doesn't that require the school district to accommodate him and pay for his education?</p><p> </p><p>Or is that just wishful thinking on my part? </p><p> </p><p>We can't give him what he needs. We don't know how to help him and part of the problem is the struggle between difficult child and husband. And I'm tired and exasperated and disengaging. We are starting to do what everyone else does, just give up and let him get away with it, letting most of his behaviors go because it's exhausting and time consuming to enforce consequences on them. But that just causes him to escalate (he used to throw water on his bed--then we said, fine sleep on a cold wet mattress; and then he started throwing syrup on his mattress. He can't be allowed to sleep in a puddle of syrup. He used to throw his shoes away, so we ignored it and got permission from the military school to send him in flipflops, it was no fun doing PT in flipflops, so he started throwing his clothes away--sigh).</p><p> </p><p>He's 12, they always say early intervention is key, but no one will help us.</p><p> </p><p>We are just simply desperate.</p><p> </p><p>But it sounds like an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is not right for him. </p><p> </p><p>Thank you for your caring.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WSM, post: 241330, member: 5169"] Wow, thank you for your replies; I really appreciate how much time you all put into them. Two things jumped out at me that echo the fears I have in my heart: one, that your son 'honeymooned' for 18 months, and it took them a long time to see the problems we see at home. Dear heavens that is what is so frustrating NOW for us. Out in the world, difficult child is a timid, wounded puppy dog who has good manners and is victimized by mean people, mostly his family, mainly his parents. Last year it was me 'abusing' him, this year he seems to have switched to my husband being the abuser. The schools all love him and don't understand what our problem with him is. He's in a military school now and they are the same. They've excused him from homework, uniform wearing, and having an agenda every day. To be fair, he's kind of different from the other kids, he's one of the youngest, is skinny and quiet, and his acting out is passive aggressive and very covert. Most of the others are from Miami's impoverished neighborhoods, are belligerent, overtly angry, and big, most are between 15-17 years old. I think the difference works very much to his advantage and he knows it. The other fear I have is that some of these places are mere holding tanks for kids no one wants, and they have a veneer of therapy to get the money, but that's that. They are warehouses. difficult child is one step away from the juvenile detention center. Several probation officers have told him bluntly he will be raped there, the staff can't watch you all the time, and that he will be teased and beaten. I don't know if it's true or if they were just trying to scare him straight, but I fear it for him. My husband during one particularly awful time when difficult child quietly slipped husband's new laptop into the pool when no one was looking, yelled at him that he had a nice home and people who love him and why can't he appreciate it? He said, if you go to the dentention center, maybe then you'll appreciate what you have here. But you said that wasn't the case with your son. I suspect it wouldn't be the case with ours either. difficult child also knows how to 'talk the talk'. He's had so much therapy, he knows how to play many therapists (not all). He knows the jargon and the catch words: "I just want positive attention", "I'm just want positive reinforcement." "I just want to be alone with my dad" (but when he gets it, he punishes dad). What he really wants is rewards for 'not doing' things. He wants to be rewarded for not throwing away his shoes. For not tearing up his homework, for not pouring syrup on his bed, for not taking weapons to school. And he desperately wants to the right to misbehave without consequences. People feel so sorry for him (or are so unsettled by him maybe), a lot of times they DO let him get away with it. His goals in life are different from everyone else's. I am also afraid that we'd end up with the same problems when he got out as when he went in. After all that money and aggravation and hope. My husband says, 'at least we'd get a break'. >>RTCs are not just for a mildly troubled kid. They are intense, demanding, and in my opinion pretty sterile and void of affection. For some kids, this is exactly what they need to get back on track. In my son's situation, I looked high and low for a place that was more of a group setting, that also had 24/7 counseling and medication checks. It is a really comprehensive decision, that takes many months to research in order to find the right fit for your child.<< difficult child is not mildly troubled. He's profoundly troubled, possibly hearing voices (altho probably not), and has a severe thinking disorder. He's also deeply angry, probably a better word is severely enraged, cold rage--and he NEVER expresses it verbally, ever. Not in therapy, not at home, ever. It comes out in 'games' like throwing electronics in the pool, abuse allegations, and one of his newest games, needing to be ordered to do basic things like go to the bathroom or eat. If you don't order him to, he won't; he will pee his bed and then cry. He will refuse to eat. difficult child might need an intense demanding place. We found a well regarded Residential Treatment Center (RTC) 7 miles away run by a church. It had trained married couples as house parents, two individual therapy sessions a day and one group therapy session, and a psychiatrist twice a week. They came home on weekends. It only cost $300 a month, and $150 if parents participated etc... It was clean, new, comfortable, they went to the local public school which was good. They refused to take him; difficult child's problems were too severe no matter how well behaved he was. My husband just about cried as we left. We can't afford anything. We would need the school system to pay for it or the state. Last year the school ordered a full psychological/psychiatric assessment. I forget what it was called. But it resulted in a scale that had recommendations of what therapy the student needs. difficult child was three points away from recommendation to a residential facility. And the assessors didn't know about his self harming/suicide threat or about the violent picture, the stabbing of his mattress or the knifing a bean bag chair. I wasn't there and husband forgot to mention these things. I'm hoping to get a new assessment (have to wait until summer) and that he will be 3 points lower (there's new behaviors since the last assessment, plus this time there will be no forgetting important information). If the school psychiatric assessment, the one demanded by the IEP recommends residential therapeutic education, doesn't that require the school district to accommodate him and pay for his education? Or is that just wishful thinking on my part? We can't give him what he needs. We don't know how to help him and part of the problem is the struggle between difficult child and husband. And I'm tired and exasperated and disengaging. We are starting to do what everyone else does, just give up and let him get away with it, letting most of his behaviors go because it's exhausting and time consuming to enforce consequences on them. But that just causes him to escalate (he used to throw water on his bed--then we said, fine sleep on a cold wet mattress; and then he started throwing syrup on his mattress. He can't be allowed to sleep in a puddle of syrup. He used to throw his shoes away, so we ignored it and got permission from the military school to send him in flipflops, it was no fun doing PT in flipflops, so he started throwing his clothes away--sigh). He's 12, they always say early intervention is key, but no one will help us. We are just simply desperate. But it sounds like an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is not right for him. Thank you for your caring. [/QUOTE]
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