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General Parenting
How to Handle a "Little" Thing
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 122630" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>SRL is spot on about children not necessarily being ready when the calendar says they should be. Until they're ready, they need support. Tell husband that he needs to change his expectations. It doesn't mean his son is 'slow' in other ways, he could be a child genius but still have real trouble organising himself. he just needs help. husband & I had a flatmate, a good friend who really WAS a genius. He also was very slow in what he did, and a disaster in the kitchen. I gave up trying to teach our friend to cook when he burnt the chicken stock. I'd put a chicken carcass in a pot full of water on the stove right next to him, I said, "Turn to to LOW when it boils, turn it off after half an hour. We'll be gone all day."</p><p>We got home that night to find him still sitting in the kitchen now full of smoke, the hot plate still on HIGH and glowing cherry red, and he looked up from his research papers and said, "Why are you back so soon?"</p><p>Inside the saucepan was a little smouldering heap of ash. He simply had been too absorbed in what he was doing, to notice.</p><p>And I think it could be the same with your son - there are too many things distracting him, things happening in his own head. I remember being like that myself and I see my boys like this. Even easy child had her moments, but was never slow with it - she was quicksilver.</p><p></p><p>You wouldn't expect a 6 month old baby to jump up, run outside and check the mailbox for you, would you? In the same way, I suspect your son simply isn't ready to do all these things for himself, without constantly needing to be led by the hand and encouraged. Nagging only makes it worse. We nag partly to hurry them along, and partly because it relives our frustration. But when the nagging actually makes the problem worse, we have to change our tactics. It's not right to continue nagging when ALL it is doing (maybe) is easing our parental frustration. That's getting your own therapy at your child's expense. Instead, help him, ease him through it and AFTERWARDS go bang your head against the doorpost for a while.</p><p></p><p>A suggestion, along the same lines as the others - make a chart for him, cover it with clear contact or get it laminated. You can then use a whiteboard pen to tick off tasks. Write the task and put a stylised picture next to it. Do it in order of the things to do. Put a time next to it if you choose, with a clock face as well.</p><p></p><p>Of course he won't understand it all, but the combination of ways in which to understand it, especially if you show him how, will help.</p><p>If, after making the chart, he finds it too 'busy' or confusing, then you can just cover up the bits he doesn't know yet, with post-it tape (or stickytape and paper) until he is a bit older. As he adapts to each challenge you can remove another bit of cover-up to keep him learning.</p><p>You might need several charts, depending on how much trouble he is having. If he really has to stop and think about putting socks on before shoes, then break the 'getting dressed' tasks down for him as far as he needs.</p><p>I used to 'race' my kids. It worked for some, but not for difficult child 3 because it makes him too anxious. And when he gets anxious, he shuts down and can't do anything.</p><p></p><p>Having to make too many choices can slow a kid down - if he can't decide what to wear, he will just stand there in front of the wardrobe and get lost in his own thoughts. On the other hand, some kids need to have some control over the choices that don't matter to us.</p><p></p><p>Have you got your hands on "The Explosive Child" yet? Even if your child isn't the explosive type, the book can help you see the world from your child's point of view and this makes it easy to know how to get your child to do what you want.</p><p></p><p>Having a reward for him, for getting through certain steps without too much trouble - the reward shouldn't be food-related or money-related, if you can avoid it. Something that worked well as a reward for difficult child 3 at this age - he loved to change the day on the calendar. His classroom had one of those cloth and velcro perpetual calendars, you attach the correct day, date and month with velcro. The school one was soft fabric, but you can make them so easily - from a sheet of paper with blu-tak to stick the correct things on, to laminated card with velcro dots - doesn't matter. Sometimes just letting him tick the chart when he finishes a task can be reward enough.</p><p></p><p>Never make the reward bigger than you need to, and never engage in a battle you are not certain you can win. Better to not battle at all.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 122630, member: 1991"] SRL is spot on about children not necessarily being ready when the calendar says they should be. Until they're ready, they need support. Tell husband that he needs to change his expectations. It doesn't mean his son is 'slow' in other ways, he could be a child genius but still have real trouble organising himself. he just needs help. husband & I had a flatmate, a good friend who really WAS a genius. He also was very slow in what he did, and a disaster in the kitchen. I gave up trying to teach our friend to cook when he burnt the chicken stock. I'd put a chicken carcass in a pot full of water on the stove right next to him, I said, "Turn to to LOW when it boils, turn it off after half an hour. We'll be gone all day." We got home that night to find him still sitting in the kitchen now full of smoke, the hot plate still on HIGH and glowing cherry red, and he looked up from his research papers and said, "Why are you back so soon?" Inside the saucepan was a little smouldering heap of ash. He simply had been too absorbed in what he was doing, to notice. And I think it could be the same with your son - there are too many things distracting him, things happening in his own head. I remember being like that myself and I see my boys like this. Even easy child had her moments, but was never slow with it - she was quicksilver. You wouldn't expect a 6 month old baby to jump up, run outside and check the mailbox for you, would you? In the same way, I suspect your son simply isn't ready to do all these things for himself, without constantly needing to be led by the hand and encouraged. Nagging only makes it worse. We nag partly to hurry them along, and partly because it relives our frustration. But when the nagging actually makes the problem worse, we have to change our tactics. It's not right to continue nagging when ALL it is doing (maybe) is easing our parental frustration. That's getting your own therapy at your child's expense. Instead, help him, ease him through it and AFTERWARDS go bang your head against the doorpost for a while. A suggestion, along the same lines as the others - make a chart for him, cover it with clear contact or get it laminated. You can then use a whiteboard pen to tick off tasks. Write the task and put a stylised picture next to it. Do it in order of the things to do. Put a time next to it if you choose, with a clock face as well. Of course he won't understand it all, but the combination of ways in which to understand it, especially if you show him how, will help. If, after making the chart, he finds it too 'busy' or confusing, then you can just cover up the bits he doesn't know yet, with post-it tape (or stickytape and paper) until he is a bit older. As he adapts to each challenge you can remove another bit of cover-up to keep him learning. You might need several charts, depending on how much trouble he is having. If he really has to stop and think about putting socks on before shoes, then break the 'getting dressed' tasks down for him as far as he needs. I used to 'race' my kids. It worked for some, but not for difficult child 3 because it makes him too anxious. And when he gets anxious, he shuts down and can't do anything. Having to make too many choices can slow a kid down - if he can't decide what to wear, he will just stand there in front of the wardrobe and get lost in his own thoughts. On the other hand, some kids need to have some control over the choices that don't matter to us. Have you got your hands on "The Explosive Child" yet? Even if your child isn't the explosive type, the book can help you see the world from your child's point of view and this makes it easy to know how to get your child to do what you want. Having a reward for him, for getting through certain steps without too much trouble - the reward shouldn't be food-related or money-related, if you can avoid it. Something that worked well as a reward for difficult child 3 at this age - he loved to change the day on the calendar. His classroom had one of those cloth and velcro perpetual calendars, you attach the correct day, date and month with velcro. The school one was soft fabric, but you can make them so easily - from a sheet of paper with blu-tak to stick the correct things on, to laminated card with velcro dots - doesn't matter. Sometimes just letting him tick the chart when he finishes a task can be reward enough. Never make the reward bigger than you need to, and never engage in a battle you are not certain you can win. Better to not battle at all. Marg [/QUOTE]
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