Hi Blue, wow, some of this sounds eerily familiar from days past.
One thing I would think about: You are trying to control A. Whole. Lot. Of. Stuff.
I know he's just 17 and that is a key factor.
But you are experiencing what it is like to try to manage and control another human being's every action.
It is impossible, exhausting, frustrating, maddening, scary, etc. etc.
And it doesn't work. I would pick my battles.
You could write down what you want to say to him, such as: Let's discuss your options, either the driving class or the $200. Here is what I see in terms of the outcome of each.....Clearly, ______ is the better option. Do you want to choose that option?
Depending on what he says, you then talk about his appearance. Here is what I see in terms of the outcome of you going there dressed nicely or just as you are. Clearly, ______ is the better option. Do you want to choose that option?
Say it one time. Accept his answer whatever it is. Let him suffer the consequences. I would still take him if that is necessary and what you have already decided to do.
Keep it simple. I know you are trying to manage his legal record. It's really hard to do that when the person himself or herself doesn't know and doesn't care. In fact, it's impossible.
I don't know if I have helped or not. In your case, I would do more than I am currently doing for my son, because your son is 17.
But ultimately, if that doesn't help and if you are going nuts, you will have to stop and let the chips fall where they may.
I know this is very, very hard. I am so sorry for your frustration, your hurt, your fear and your sadness.
What have you planned for YOURSELF today, to take care of YOU? You matter too, just as much as he does.
Hugs and warm prayers coming your way.
