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How to survive at home with violent teen
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 698484" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>This is a situation that is agonizing for any parent, esp ones who love their kids the way you clearly do. To be honest, I would relinquish custody if possible. My son was very violent and even saying "Good Morning" could be cause for him to attack me or his siblings. I was blessed in that my father was a jr high teacher who retired and then needed a project. We think much of my son's issues were due to not being able to cope in a household with m ore than 1 child, so he needed to be an only child. No one told us this until I was pregnant with my 3rd child, so that wasn't going to happen in our home. I am still married to the father of my kids, and we are not planning to separate at any time (don't believe in it and still love each other).</p><p></p><p>My father dealt with troubled kids, worst of the worst, for most of his career. My mother was desperate for my father to have a project so he would not drive her nuts being home all day, so they begged to have my difficult child live with them. They lived 20 min away at most, so it was not like we couldn't see him and be involved with him. I was maybe a week away from an out of home placement when my parents asked for this, and we were involved with the court because I just couldn't handle the violence or have my other kids living with the violence for any longer. We gave my parents a chance because it meant so much to them, and we had to pull WAY back. I was the mom who was always at school, always involved, made the costumes and baked for the school parties, etc... It was HARD to pull back, esp so totally. But i did it because it was best for ALL of my kids. </p><p></p><p>You NEED to do what your other child needs. Her needs MUST be a priority, not his. And she NEEDS a home where there is no violence, where she is safe. You know he won't change with-o a major change. She, sadly, will change. She will become less and less trustful, less cooperative, and will likely become very angry if you don't make some changes to keep her safe. He clearly does not care about you, or consequences. Many kids on the autism spectrum actually do very well in institutional settings like group homes. They are not as attached to family and they thrive on the routine. </p><p></p><p>It really sounds like you have done all you can for him at home. He needs a wake-up call, and some real consequences. I would stay involved to a degree, but relinquish day to day stuff for the health of the rest of the family. I know it sounds harsh, but you can only do so much.</p><p></p><p>I would caution you about the Conduct Disorder diagnosis in one so young. Kids don't have fully developed brains and are not actually able to be diagnosed with many things at his age due to their lack of brain development. But regardless your son needs a more structured setting and you need to be released from the liability of his actions. he sounds VERY dangerous. </p><p></p><p>I hope this helps you make the decision one way or another. I know our choice was right. My son is now a joy and a delight to all of us. He has worked HARD to rebuild his relationships with all of us, and to forgive himself. He has a home of his own, and is building a career for himself. He has many ties to the community and everyone who knows him tells us what a delight he is. he knows we love him, and we now know he loves us. so the separation when he was 14 was traumatic but vital and in the end was the right thing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 698484, member: 1233"] This is a situation that is agonizing for any parent, esp ones who love their kids the way you clearly do. To be honest, I would relinquish custody if possible. My son was very violent and even saying "Good Morning" could be cause for him to attack me or his siblings. I was blessed in that my father was a jr high teacher who retired and then needed a project. We think much of my son's issues were due to not being able to cope in a household with m ore than 1 child, so he needed to be an only child. No one told us this until I was pregnant with my 3rd child, so that wasn't going to happen in our home. I am still married to the father of my kids, and we are not planning to separate at any time (don't believe in it and still love each other). My father dealt with troubled kids, worst of the worst, for most of his career. My mother was desperate for my father to have a project so he would not drive her nuts being home all day, so they begged to have my difficult child live with them. They lived 20 min away at most, so it was not like we couldn't see him and be involved with him. I was maybe a week away from an out of home placement when my parents asked for this, and we were involved with the court because I just couldn't handle the violence or have my other kids living with the violence for any longer. We gave my parents a chance because it meant so much to them, and we had to pull WAY back. I was the mom who was always at school, always involved, made the costumes and baked for the school parties, etc... It was HARD to pull back, esp so totally. But i did it because it was best for ALL of my kids. You NEED to do what your other child needs. Her needs MUST be a priority, not his. And she NEEDS a home where there is no violence, where she is safe. You know he won't change with-o a major change. She, sadly, will change. She will become less and less trustful, less cooperative, and will likely become very angry if you don't make some changes to keep her safe. He clearly does not care about you, or consequences. Many kids on the autism spectrum actually do very well in institutional settings like group homes. They are not as attached to family and they thrive on the routine. It really sounds like you have done all you can for him at home. He needs a wake-up call, and some real consequences. I would stay involved to a degree, but relinquish day to day stuff for the health of the rest of the family. I know it sounds harsh, but you can only do so much. I would caution you about the Conduct Disorder diagnosis in one so young. Kids don't have fully developed brains and are not actually able to be diagnosed with many things at his age due to their lack of brain development. But regardless your son needs a more structured setting and you need to be released from the liability of his actions. he sounds VERY dangerous. I hope this helps you make the decision one way or another. I know our choice was right. My son is now a joy and a delight to all of us. He has worked HARD to rebuild his relationships with all of us, and to forgive himself. He has a home of his own, and is building a career for himself. He has many ties to the community and everyone who knows him tells us what a delight he is. he knows we love him, and we now know he loves us. so the separation when he was 14 was traumatic but vital and in the end was the right thing. [/QUOTE]
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