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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748908" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Nomad. I agree with Busy. But that does not mean that my heart is not heavy that your grandson is manipulated, by poisoning his ideas about things he loves and people he loves. I would feel heartache too. But.</p><p></p><p>I think this is the time to practice detachment.</p><p></p><p>You have NO control here. No control over what these toxic people do. No role in protecting this dear child. No role in speaking up to his parents who love him, <em>that will not cost you and everybody else dearly.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Which is the key here. Every single thing you could do, would make this whole situation way, way worse.</p><p></p><p>It is like there are two different ideologies at place here. This is what countries go to war over. Think of the Balkans, and the Serbs and the Muslims. Think of Palestinians and Jews. As long as we keep ourselves attached to our differences, or keep our own goal posts as the ultimate goal, the war continues.</p><p></p><p>There is a fundamental unity at stake here, if you choose to see it and to commit to it. You have the where with all to focus upon that. You can choose. This can be a practice. Like meditating is a practice. To commit to the unity.</p><p></p><p>Because what is at stake here is tremendously important: your grandson's psyche, for sure. Which is based on large part on his parents' marriage. And your own sense of unity as a family. Which I know is very important to you.</p><p></p><p>You can decide here, what you choose to see and to commit to. Every time you engage in making bigger some perceived slight or holding back or hesitation by somebody, you are choosing to pick a side, instead of standing firm for all, in the place of wholeness. When you choose to focus on a slight, or a difference, it is YOU who is making the problem bigger.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't matter if they started it, or they are wrong, or nuts or whatever. If you are picking up the ball and running with it, you are perpetuating and making bigger the conflict.</p><p></p><p>Honestly. My heart hurts for this child. But I am NOT his mother or father. I can't do anything at all to change this. And neither can you.</p><p></p><p>This is the marriage your son has chosen. Ultimately, while you may not say this directly, by your attitudes and your actions you may be indirectly asking him to pick sides. The only one who will be hurt here should it come to this, is YOU. If your son has to choose, he will choose his wife and marriage. As he should.</p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Neither your friend nor you gets a vote on the ideology of your son's marriage and how he negotiates it with his wife. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">This family seems toxic. But this is the family he chose. It does not help him one bit, if you match tit for tat. Who wins with that? But as important, your friend carried gossip to you. This was toxic and meddlesome:This woman was fanning the flames of discord. Is she to be listened to?</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Nomad. Until you see your role in this war, this war will continue. Because this is what it has become. Somebody has to lay down arms. If it continues,you will suffer. Grandson will suffer. Son will suffer. Somebody here has to start thinking about the bigger principles. You can choose to do that. Or not.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I have one thing more to say here. (Gee. Sorry, Nomad, to be so hard on you. I don't want to really. It's not my goal.) <em>Ultimately, this whole thing is disrespectful to your son. Like, you know better about his marital and family dynamics. Like you get a role in deciding what is appropriate for his child. </em></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">If all of this is followed to its end, this is where it will end up. Son will and should stand up for his family. And it will be against you. Ultimately. He gets to choose. And if he is pushed, he will either do that, or he will stand against his wife and her family and there will be a divorce. Do you want to have that role in his marriage? Will that help your grandson? </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Okay. Okay. I get it. I would be mad too. I would be hurt. I would be worried about my son. I would be YOU in this, Nomad. Honestly I would be brokenhearted. I would want to move to yet another country to get AWAY from this. But I hope you would tell me that I had it within myself to reach for something better, which is responsibility and love. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Nomad. You have it in you. What you are dealing with here, is PEANUTS, compared to what you have been through. And come out the other side, whole and good.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748908, member: 18958"] Nomad. I agree with Busy. But that does not mean that my heart is not heavy that your grandson is manipulated, by poisoning his ideas about things he loves and people he loves. I would feel heartache too. But. I think this is the time to practice detachment. You have NO control here. No control over what these toxic people do. No role in protecting this dear child. No role in speaking up to his parents who love him, [I]that will not cost you and everybody else dearly. [/I] Which is the key here. Every single thing you could do, would make this whole situation way, way worse. It is like there are two different ideologies at place here. This is what countries go to war over. Think of the Balkans, and the Serbs and the Muslims. Think of Palestinians and Jews. As long as we keep ourselves attached to our differences, or keep our own goal posts as the ultimate goal, the war continues. There is a fundamental unity at stake here, if you choose to see it and to commit to it. You have the where with all to focus upon that. You can choose. This can be a practice. Like meditating is a practice. To commit to the unity. Because what is at stake here is tremendously important: your grandson's psyche, for sure. Which is based on large part on his parents' marriage. And your own sense of unity as a family. Which I know is very important to you. You can decide here, what you choose to see and to commit to. Every time you engage in making bigger some perceived slight or holding back or hesitation by somebody, you are choosing to pick a side, instead of standing firm for all, in the place of wholeness. When you choose to focus on a slight, or a difference, it is YOU who is making the problem bigger. It doesn't matter if they started it, or they are wrong, or nuts or whatever. If you are picking up the ball and running with it, you are perpetuating and making bigger the conflict. Honestly. My heart hurts for this child. But I am NOT his mother or father. I can't do anything at all to change this. And neither can you. This is the marriage your son has chosen. Ultimately, while you may not say this directly, by your attitudes and your actions you may be indirectly asking him to pick sides. The only one who will be hurt here should it come to this, is YOU. If your son has to choose, he will choose his wife and marriage. As he should. [LEFT][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]Neither your friend nor you gets a vote on the ideology of your son's marriage and how he negotiates it with his wife. This family seems toxic. But this is the family he chose. It does not help him one bit, if you match tit for tat. Who wins with that? But as important, your friend carried gossip to you. This was toxic and meddlesome:This woman was fanning the flames of discord. Is she to be listened to? Nomad. Until you see your role in this war, this war will continue. Because this is what it has become. Somebody has to lay down arms. If it continues,you will suffer. Grandson will suffer. Son will suffer. Somebody here has to start thinking about the bigger principles. You can choose to do that. Or not. I have one thing more to say here. (Gee. Sorry, Nomad, to be so hard on you. I don't want to really. It's not my goal.) [I]Ultimately, this whole thing is disrespectful to your son. Like, you know better about his marital and family dynamics. Like you get a role in deciding what is appropriate for his child. [/I] If all of this is followed to its end, this is where it will end up. Son will and should stand up for his family. And it will be against you. Ultimately. He gets to choose. And if he is pushed, he will either do that, or he will stand against his wife and her family and there will be a divorce. Do you want to have that role in his marriage? Will that help your grandson? Okay. Okay. I get it. I would be mad too. I would be hurt. I would be worried about my son. I would be YOU in this, Nomad. Honestly I would be brokenhearted. I would want to move to yet another country to get AWAY from this. But I hope you would tell me that I had it within myself to reach for something better, which is responsibility and love. Nomad. You have it in you. What you are dealing with here, is PEANUTS, compared to what you have been through. And come out the other side, whole and good. [/COLOR][/LEFT] [/QUOTE]
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