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Humph! So Much for the "I want to change my life"
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 386704" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>3D telling katie's husband he's behaving like a child would go right over the "mans" head. Trust me on this. He is seriously developmentally delayed at the very least, and not very bright on top of that. And I am being kind as for the most part I don't think it's entirely his fault. He over compensates for this by trying to be a "tough guy" (which he's not in the least) and endlessly bragging about his knowledge of computers, which to anyone who really does know about computers.......is well, nothing really. He frustrates poor Travis to the point where the boy has started avoiding him......and Travis will talk for hours about computers.</p><p></p><p>As for teaching Katie to budget ect. Uh, no. I'm not going there. I may sound hard nosed, but I've been there done that with her 10 yrs ago and I'm not going there this time around. It was their idea to come here to turn their lives around, not mine. At their current ages it is completely up to them. Figuring out that a roof over your head comes 1st, bills 2nd, and food 3rd before anything else simply is not that difficult. As I told my own Mom.........I am not going to hold katie"s hand and walk her through this. If she really wants it she will learn and learn quickly. If not, nothing will change.</p><p></p><p>If I don't sound empathetic, it is because I'm not. If you've managed to live on the brink of homelessness for 10 yrs yet still have failed to get the 3 basic necessities come first above anything else.........nothing I could "teach" them is going to change that. You see, I have an advantage most people don't in this dept. I've spent almost 30 yrs with a man who thinks the same way these kids do. And he didn't get it until I totally forced it on him, no help, sink or swim. </p><p></p><p>I budgeted our money down to the last cent for 20 some years. I hid money. I tried every trick in the book. And husband would find a way to under mine me at every turn. This is what katie has been up against with both her biomom and her husband for years, which each of them blaming the other for the spent cash. She's dumped biomom. She for whatever reason decided to give her husband a 2nd chance. So either she is going to get to the point where she is so<strong> fed up</strong> with the life he's forced her to live that she says<strong> Enough! it's either this way or the highway</strong>..........or she will forever be stuck in this groove. Sadly, unlike her Dad, I don't think her husband is <strong>capable</strong> of ever being responsible. Maybe he will shock me, but from watching his behavior I really doubt it. When I say he is an overgrown child I mean that literally, not just behavior. Argh! I feel like filming him then you'd go ahhh hah! lol Cause seriously, you can't miss it. I keep having to remind myself that the guy isn't younger than Travis.<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /></p><p></p><p>So, bottom line for Katie is going to be what Katie wants. If she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life on the constant verge of homelessness she is going to have to face the reality that her husband most likely will never be able to function as a responsible adult. Once she's done that she has to ask herself : Am I strong enough to keep all money out of his hands and keep the bills paid ect on my own? Do I want to spend the rest of my life warring with him over the fact he can't handle the money ect, while constantly trying to out think him on ways to keep any money out of his hands?</p><p></p><p> Because that is the reality. </p><p></p><p>I know, I've lived it already. I was lucky. While my husband is also a difficult child, he had the capacity to learn and accept responsibility concerning money, he'd just always refused to do it until I drew the line in the sand and he knew I meant it. He's not perfect, but our bills stay paid 99 percent of the time and food is on the table. </p><p></p><p>Katie will never be able to make the tough decisions she has to make if I or anyone else makes this remotely easy for her. She knows how to budget. She knows how to manage a bank acct. She knows how to save for an emergency. I taught her those things 10 yrs ago.</p><p></p><p>There is strength in this girl that she does not have a clue she possesses. I know, I've seen glimpses of it several times just in the short time she's been here. She is a difficult child, but she is intelligent woman and a responsible parent. She made me proud in Alex's IEP meeting today. Good as any warrior Mom on this board. She is just stuck in victim mode and fearful of confrontation........and sadly if she doesn't snap out of that she doesn't stand a chance against her difficult child husband. She lacks confidence in her own strength / intelligence. Her husband preys on that and uses it, knowing or fearful if she improves herself she's going to see him for what he really is and dump him like a hot rock. </p><p></p><p>I still see in katie the strong desire to change. I'm glad because I was worried she'd slid completely back into old habits. The refusal to go to Mc D's got her attention. Her husband was pouting at supper over needing soda at the motel. Katie finally asked me if I knew of some place that sold it cheaper than dollar general.......(which is also clear across town)......and I did because Travis buys his that way from a local grocer not far from our house. 75 cents for 2 liter or 1.00 for a 3 liter. Not bad, and I'm not going to go bonkers over them having something to drink other than water. Supper was here again tonight, too. And will be tomorrow night. </p><p></p><p>My Mom thought I was irresponsible when I "allowed" easy child to move out right after hs graduation. She thought I was out of my mind when I "let" Travis go off to college, although she did help fund it. She thought I was cold hearted when I gave Nichole her move out date and showed her the door. When discussing katie the other night she though I was a witch with a capitol B, until I reminded her that when I'd left husband she did not swoop in and help me. I learned to survive in shelters on my own, and I learned fast on how to live on a whopping 500 bucks a month all by myself. And along the way I learned that I was stronger than I ever believed myself to be, smarter than I ever thought I was........after that, husband never stood a chance.<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /> Ok, so I though my Mom was a witch with a capitol B at the time........but it wasn't long that I figure out she'd done the best thing in the world for me.</p><p></p><p>The rules I developed for myself for dealing with adult children come from my grandmother and from hard lessons learned in dealing with katie 10 yrs ago. I learned from the mistakes I made with her then (holding her hand, being overly helpful ect) and I didn't make them with the other three. Now I am following the same rules with her. She has the tools, she has the knowledge, she just has to put them to use........just as her sibs did. </p><p></p><p>I do still want to have that lunch with her. I'd like to have a clearer picture of her goals and dreams. I'd like to have some grown up discussion. And I'd like to let her know.......although I haven't quite figured out just how to do it yet.......that we know most of what is currently going on is her husband's attempt to sabotage her relationship with us and we're not letting him. (the pumpkin carving family gathering was a neon sign of what he's up to) Nope. We won't hold her hand and we won't do it for her. We will support her and help her, but not cripple her. If she wants advice we'll be there to give it, but know she may not take it. And we can't make her decisions for her.</p><p></p><p>Does that make sense?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 386704, member: 84"] 3D telling katie's husband he's behaving like a child would go right over the "mans" head. Trust me on this. He is seriously developmentally delayed at the very least, and not very bright on top of that. And I am being kind as for the most part I don't think it's entirely his fault. He over compensates for this by trying to be a "tough guy" (which he's not in the least) and endlessly bragging about his knowledge of computers, which to anyone who really does know about computers.......is well, nothing really. He frustrates poor Travis to the point where the boy has started avoiding him......and Travis will talk for hours about computers. As for teaching Katie to budget ect. Uh, no. I'm not going there. I may sound hard nosed, but I've been there done that with her 10 yrs ago and I'm not going there this time around. It was their idea to come here to turn their lives around, not mine. At their current ages it is completely up to them. Figuring out that a roof over your head comes 1st, bills 2nd, and food 3rd before anything else simply is not that difficult. As I told my own Mom.........I am not going to hold katie"s hand and walk her through this. If she really wants it she will learn and learn quickly. If not, nothing will change. If I don't sound empathetic, it is because I'm not. If you've managed to live on the brink of homelessness for 10 yrs yet still have failed to get the 3 basic necessities come first above anything else.........nothing I could "teach" them is going to change that. You see, I have an advantage most people don't in this dept. I've spent almost 30 yrs with a man who thinks the same way these kids do. And he didn't get it until I totally forced it on him, no help, sink or swim. I budgeted our money down to the last cent for 20 some years. I hid money. I tried every trick in the book. And husband would find a way to under mine me at every turn. This is what katie has been up against with both her biomom and her husband for years, which each of them blaming the other for the spent cash. She's dumped biomom. She for whatever reason decided to give her husband a 2nd chance. So either she is going to get to the point where she is so[B] fed up[/B] with the life he's forced her to live that she says[B] Enough! it's either this way or the highway[/B]..........or she will forever be stuck in this groove. Sadly, unlike her Dad, I don't think her husband is [B]capable[/B] of ever being responsible. Maybe he will shock me, but from watching his behavior I really doubt it. When I say he is an overgrown child I mean that literally, not just behavior. Argh! I feel like filming him then you'd go ahhh hah! lol Cause seriously, you can't miss it. I keep having to remind myself that the guy isn't younger than Travis.:raspberry-tounge: So, bottom line for Katie is going to be what Katie wants. If she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life on the constant verge of homelessness she is going to have to face the reality that her husband most likely will never be able to function as a responsible adult. Once she's done that she has to ask herself : Am I strong enough to keep all money out of his hands and keep the bills paid ect on my own? Do I want to spend the rest of my life warring with him over the fact he can't handle the money ect, while constantly trying to out think him on ways to keep any money out of his hands? Because that is the reality. I know, I've lived it already. I was lucky. While my husband is also a difficult child, he had the capacity to learn and accept responsibility concerning money, he'd just always refused to do it until I drew the line in the sand and he knew I meant it. He's not perfect, but our bills stay paid 99 percent of the time and food is on the table. Katie will never be able to make the tough decisions she has to make if I or anyone else makes this remotely easy for her. She knows how to budget. She knows how to manage a bank acct. She knows how to save for an emergency. I taught her those things 10 yrs ago. There is strength in this girl that she does not have a clue she possesses. I know, I've seen glimpses of it several times just in the short time she's been here. She is a difficult child, but she is intelligent woman and a responsible parent. She made me proud in Alex's IEP meeting today. Good as any warrior Mom on this board. She is just stuck in victim mode and fearful of confrontation........and sadly if she doesn't snap out of that she doesn't stand a chance against her difficult child husband. She lacks confidence in her own strength / intelligence. Her husband preys on that and uses it, knowing or fearful if she improves herself she's going to see him for what he really is and dump him like a hot rock. I still see in katie the strong desire to change. I'm glad because I was worried she'd slid completely back into old habits. The refusal to go to Mc D's got her attention. Her husband was pouting at supper over needing soda at the motel. Katie finally asked me if I knew of some place that sold it cheaper than dollar general.......(which is also clear across town)......and I did because Travis buys his that way from a local grocer not far from our house. 75 cents for 2 liter or 1.00 for a 3 liter. Not bad, and I'm not going to go bonkers over them having something to drink other than water. Supper was here again tonight, too. And will be tomorrow night. My Mom thought I was irresponsible when I "allowed" easy child to move out right after hs graduation. She thought I was out of my mind when I "let" Travis go off to college, although she did help fund it. She thought I was cold hearted when I gave Nichole her move out date and showed her the door. When discussing katie the other night she though I was a witch with a capitol B, until I reminded her that when I'd left husband she did not swoop in and help me. I learned to survive in shelters on my own, and I learned fast on how to live on a whopping 500 bucks a month all by myself. And along the way I learned that I was stronger than I ever believed myself to be, smarter than I ever thought I was........after that, husband never stood a chance.:raspberry-tounge: Ok, so I though my Mom was a witch with a capitol B at the time........but it wasn't long that I figure out she'd done the best thing in the world for me. The rules I developed for myself for dealing with adult children come from my grandmother and from hard lessons learned in dealing with katie 10 yrs ago. I learned from the mistakes I made with her then (holding her hand, being overly helpful ect) and I didn't make them with the other three. Now I am following the same rules with her. She has the tools, she has the knowledge, she just has to put them to use........just as her sibs did. I do still want to have that lunch with her. I'd like to have a clearer picture of her goals and dreams. I'd like to have some grown up discussion. And I'd like to let her know.......although I haven't quite figured out just how to do it yet.......that we know most of what is currently going on is her husband's attempt to sabotage her relationship with us and we're not letting him. (the pumpkin carving family gathering was a neon sign of what he's up to) Nope. We won't hold her hand and we won't do it for her. We will support her and help her, but not cripple her. If she wants advice we'll be there to give it, but know she may not take it. And we can't make her decisions for her. Does that make sense? [/QUOTE]
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Humph! So Much for the "I want to change my life"
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