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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 751570" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>One thing that also helped me in a very sad way is when a very dear friend of mine saw a nasty Kay text. I rarely shared texts, but we were out for lunch and she could tell my eyes were teary and that I couldn't eat. I had put down my fork. She had an idea of how Kay hurt me, but nothing prepared her for the text. This is not exact wording as it was several years ago</p><p></p><p>Text: Hey, My First Name, I thought you were going to pay for our car to be fixed. Do you think we can not have our car forever and still get to the grocery store to buy food? by the way thought you were going to get us food too. You DO have a grandson! He needs to eat. And you wonder why I'm afraid to let you babysit for him. I'm calling the car place today and if you haven't paid the bill yet I promise you will be very sorry. But then you never cared about me because I'm not really your daughter, My Real Name. Why the effword did you adopt me? I hate all of you Smiths (made up name) and you either pay for that car today or you will never see Jaden again! Understand?"</p><p></p><p>Horrible, right? There were more cusswords in here than I put down.</p><p></p><p>This was the conversation my friend had with me after reading the text. She spoke gently and held my hand. This conversation is not verbatim.</p><p></p><p>Her: So what are you going to do? Still pay her bill?</p><p></p><p>Me: Yes! No! I don't know! I feel so sorry for her. We must have made her feel as if she doesn't belong or she would never text us this way. I feel so guilty that Kay thinks she is an outsider! How did it happen?</p><p></p><p>Her: I saw you with her when she was a child and teenager and all of you adored her. Did you forget?</p><p></p><p>Me: (dabbing eyes with tissue) I thought we were loving toward her, but maybe this is just how I want to remember it. Maybe we DID act as if she were an outsider!</p><p></p><p>Her: No. I remember. Don't let her gaslight you. You treated her with nothing but love and even excused her whenever she misbehaved. (Pause) Would she feel badly that this text upset you, if she knew? If you told her?</p><p></p><p>Me; i have told her how her texts upset me because I love her so much. She doesnt seem moved by my feelings. Heck, she would probably tell me that I deserved it. The worst part of all of this is that Kay never expresses kind, caring emotions towards any of us. She is never sincerely sorry if she hurts us and will only SAY she is sorry if she believes that she can get something for apologizing. Like money.</p><p></p><p>Her: What do you think she would do if you were very ill? Realize how much she loves you?</p><p></p><p>Me: (right away without thinking) No! She would want to read my will!</p><p></p><p>The friend's sadness on her face was touching and I realized that I meant my words. That they were likely eerily true.</p><p></p><p>The radical acceptance of my daughter today is no different. On this day, we are only what we will give her materially. We are not her family who loves her. She doesn't care about our feelings or else really can not feel empathy.</p><p></p><p> Maybe one day she will change or find God. Right now her intention is to punish us by not letting us see Jaden because we won't give to her. She is dead inside, I believe. For this I do pray for her and pity her, but only she can change that deadness.</p><p></p><p>Her bad will toward us matters to us and helps us remember not to rescue her or to never again put her welfare above our other loved ones. They all must matter equally, including Kay. But due to her neediness, her welfare used to matter more than anyone else's to us. Now we all matter the same. I hope this makes sense and that we are not judged.</p><p></p><p>It took me about two years of Al Anon and therapy to be able to let go without the guilt. The nastiness from her stacked up and kept reminding us of who she is.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard, but detaching can be done.</p><p></p><p>Some people chose to have whatever relationship they are allowed with a disturbed child. Some do not or the child won't allow one. There is no right or wrong way to handle this. We know what is right for us when we do what we do without the essence of our soul being ripped apart and when we no longer constantly question if we are doing things right. We will just have a knowing that things are as they should be.</p><p></p><p>I am not there yet, but am so much better and strive for this goal.</p><p></p><p>All we can do is our best</p><p></p><p>To Nandino: My therapist told me not to listen to any abuse; to disconnect texts or calls and if with her to leave the house, then take a break from Kay by blocking her. I am sure all therapists are different. Welcome to our forum.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 751570, member: 23706"] One thing that also helped me in a very sad way is when a very dear friend of mine saw a nasty Kay text. I rarely shared texts, but we were out for lunch and she could tell my eyes were teary and that I couldn't eat. I had put down my fork. She had an idea of how Kay hurt me, but nothing prepared her for the text. This is not exact wording as it was several years ago Text: Hey, My First Name, I thought you were going to pay for our car to be fixed. Do you think we can not have our car forever and still get to the grocery store to buy food? by the way thought you were going to get us food too. You DO have a grandson! He needs to eat. And you wonder why I'm afraid to let you babysit for him. I'm calling the car place today and if you haven't paid the bill yet I promise you will be very sorry. But then you never cared about me because I'm not really your daughter, My Real Name. Why the effword did you adopt me? I hate all of you Smiths (made up name) and you either pay for that car today or you will never see Jaden again! Understand?" Horrible, right? There were more cusswords in here than I put down. This was the conversation my friend had with me after reading the text. She spoke gently and held my hand. This conversation is not verbatim. Her: So what are you going to do? Still pay her bill? Me: Yes! No! I don't know! I feel so sorry for her. We must have made her feel as if she doesn't belong or she would never text us this way. I feel so guilty that Kay thinks she is an outsider! How did it happen? Her: I saw you with her when she was a child and teenager and all of you adored her. Did you forget? Me: (dabbing eyes with tissue) I thought we were loving toward her, but maybe this is just how I want to remember it. Maybe we DID act as if she were an outsider! Her: No. I remember. Don't let her gaslight you. You treated her with nothing but love and even excused her whenever she misbehaved. (Pause) Would she feel badly that this text upset you, if she knew? If you told her? Me; i have told her how her texts upset me because I love her so much. She doesnt seem moved by my feelings. Heck, she would probably tell me that I deserved it. The worst part of all of this is that Kay never expresses kind, caring emotions towards any of us. She is never sincerely sorry if she hurts us and will only SAY she is sorry if she believes that she can get something for apologizing. Like money. Her: What do you think she would do if you were very ill? Realize how much she loves you? Me: (right away without thinking) No! She would want to read my will! The friend's sadness on her face was touching and I realized that I meant my words. That they were likely eerily true. The radical acceptance of my daughter today is no different. On this day, we are only what we will give her materially. We are not her family who loves her. She doesn't care about our feelings or else really can not feel empathy. Maybe one day she will change or find God. Right now her intention is to punish us by not letting us see Jaden because we won't give to her. She is dead inside, I believe. For this I do pray for her and pity her, but only she can change that deadness. Her bad will toward us matters to us and helps us remember not to rescue her or to never again put her welfare above our other loved ones. They all must matter equally, including Kay. But due to her neediness, her welfare used to matter more than anyone else's to us. Now we all matter the same. I hope this makes sense and that we are not judged. It took me about two years of Al Anon and therapy to be able to let go without the guilt. The nastiness from her stacked up and kept reminding us of who she is. It is very hard, but detaching can be done. Some people chose to have whatever relationship they are allowed with a disturbed child. Some do not or the child won't allow one. There is no right or wrong way to handle this. We know what is right for us when we do what we do without the essence of our soul being ripped apart and when we no longer constantly question if we are doing things right. We will just have a knowing that things are as they should be. I am not there yet, but am so much better and strive for this goal. All we can do is our best To Nandino: My therapist told me not to listen to any abuse; to disconnect texts or calls and if with her to leave the house, then take a break from Kay by blocking her. I am sure all therapists are different. Welcome to our forum. [/QUOTE]
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