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husband inappropriate response?
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<blockquote data-quote="timer lady" data-source="post: 84675" data-attributes="member: 393"><p>Terry,</p><p></p><p>I haven't read all the responses, so forgive me if I'm being a bit redundant.</p><p></p><p>husband didn't agree to marriage counseling until over a year ago. We had an intensive 7 months which helped our marriage in my humble opinion survive.</p><p></p><p>Having said that, when I went to counseling before husband agreed I learned to use words that weren't "accusatory" when discussing therapy. Of course, husband knew I went - he had no interest in the whys or wherefores.</p><p></p><p>I started using some of the things I learned in therapy; however I never ever made "you" statements. It's hard to relearn your pattern of speech, but I had to do it, knowing that my husband has/had issues of his own that he was working on. </p><p></p><p>It helped the situation when I went from "You" to "I feel" when expressing concerns about our relationship or something that was on my mind about husband. So when husband expressed something in a tone of voice or tried to avoid a topic I learned to respond "I feel that something I've said has made you angry - help me to understand" or something to that effect. Instead of "you make me so angry"....."I'm angry over what you said; help me figure this out please." It was an invitation for discussion in a calm manner.</p><p></p><p>It really helped - especially when husband wasn't attending counseling with me. </p><p></p><p>I know this may sound goofy - it works though. husband is using the same tone of voice & wording with me. Otherwise, many conversations come out in a very angry or bitter tone of voice. </p><p></p><p>Terry - hope things settle down between you & husband. There's a lot on your plate right now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="timer lady, post: 84675, member: 393"] Terry, I haven't read all the responses, so forgive me if I'm being a bit redundant. husband didn't agree to marriage counseling until over a year ago. We had an intensive 7 months which helped our marriage in my humble opinion survive. Having said that, when I went to counseling before husband agreed I learned to use words that weren't "accusatory" when discussing therapy. Of course, husband knew I went - he had no interest in the whys or wherefores. I started using some of the things I learned in therapy; however I never ever made "you" statements. It's hard to relearn your pattern of speech, but I had to do it, knowing that my husband has/had issues of his own that he was working on. It helped the situation when I went from "You" to "I feel" when expressing concerns about our relationship or something that was on my mind about husband. So when husband expressed something in a tone of voice or tried to avoid a topic I learned to respond "I feel that something I've said has made you angry - help me to understand" or something to that effect. Instead of "you make me so angry"....."I'm angry over what you said; help me figure this out please." It was an invitation for discussion in a calm manner. It really helped - especially when husband wasn't attending counseling with me. I know this may sound goofy - it works though. husband is using the same tone of voice & wording with me. Otherwise, many conversations come out in a very angry or bitter tone of voice. Terry - hope things settle down between you & husband. There's a lot on your plate right now. [/QUOTE]
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