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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 752697" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>For so long I believed myself to be a victim and at the mercy of my adult children's moves .We explained once that we had to think about retirement now and could not continue to support financially. We were met with scorn and egotism. I realized then that my DCs do not care (and perhaps cant) about my financial survival and only about theirs . And that explaining and wanting understanding does not work .</p><p></p><p>What has worked for me was</p><p>1. Shut down the attacks</p><p>I no longer accept blame or attacks. As soon as that starts, I hold up my hand signaling stop, will verbally state that I don't accept blame or attacks on my person, and / or walk away. </p><p>2. Work on myself. I also don't attack or blame . I realize that the only control I have is over myself: my thoughts , feelings , and actions . I use these to keep myself calm , to not react but respond , and to set boundaries even when I am scared and then stick to them even when I am scared. This builds my growing muscle. </p><p>3. I don't explain my motives or reasons or my situation anymore .I tell them when I chose to pay for something (e.g. work pants for a new job as my contribution towards encouragement) and I tell them something is their responsibility when I feel it is. </p><p>4. Because of No 1, I don't get flack about it anymore. </p><p>5. I give lots of encouragement and assist with issues by offering suggestions and asking if they are desired. DC1 got $500 speeding ticket and was worried about being able to pay it, so I offered to make a schedule of money he has coming in (paycheck) and money going out (bills) with him. He did want that advice and thanked me. </p><p></p><p>I have learned that it is my job to hold in my power which is given to me by my Higher Power and not give it away. When I give in, I give it away. When I feel obligated, I give it away. Nobody can take my power as long as I stand in God's grace and in empowerment rather than victim mode.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 752697, member: 24254"] For so long I believed myself to be a victim and at the mercy of my adult children's moves .We explained once that we had to think about retirement now and could not continue to support financially. We were met with scorn and egotism. I realized then that my DCs do not care (and perhaps cant) about my financial survival and only about theirs . And that explaining and wanting understanding does not work . What has worked for me was 1. Shut down the attacks I no longer accept blame or attacks. As soon as that starts, I hold up my hand signaling stop, will verbally state that I don't accept blame or attacks on my person, and / or walk away. 2. Work on myself. I also don't attack or blame . I realize that the only control I have is over myself: my thoughts , feelings , and actions . I use these to keep myself calm , to not react but respond , and to set boundaries even when I am scared and then stick to them even when I am scared. This builds my growing muscle. 3. I don't explain my motives or reasons or my situation anymore .I tell them when I chose to pay for something (e.g. work pants for a new job as my contribution towards encouragement) and I tell them something is their responsibility when I feel it is. 4. Because of No 1, I don't get flack about it anymore. 5. I give lots of encouragement and assist with issues by offering suggestions and asking if they are desired. DC1 got $500 speeding ticket and was worried about being able to pay it, so I offered to make a schedule of money he has coming in (paycheck) and money going out (bills) with him. He did want that advice and thanked me. I have learned that it is my job to hold in my power which is given to me by my Higher Power and not give it away. When I give in, I give it away. When I feel obligated, I give it away. Nobody can take my power as long as I stand in God's grace and in empowerment rather than victim mode. [/QUOTE]
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