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I am irreparably damaged
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<blockquote data-quote="everywoman" data-source="post: 284301" data-attributes="member: 1436"><p>Steely, I didn't read any of the other responses. I didn't want to distort my own view, so if I repeat what anyone else said, I am sorry.</p><p>Here goes:</p><p>Life has never been easy for me. I was born to parents who were just kids themselves, and my birth did irreparable evidence to their lives. They were never able to be the people they could have been had I not come along. I lived with my grandparents from the time I was about 10---and although they loved me, I always felt like I was a burden. They had raised their children, and then because of my parents inability to grow up and act like adults, I felt like they "had" to take me.</p><p></p><p>I married young, in a bar, to a very abusive (verbally and physically) man. I stayed there because I thought I deserved it. I had made my bed hard, so I forced myself to lie in it. Until I had enough. </p><p></p><p>I married husband shortly after I came back to town. My divorce was final in Oct., I met him in May, and we married in August. Although I've never regretted that choice, it has brought me pain that almost destroyed me. His drug addiction has caused him to do things that ripped pieces of me away. And that ability to trust is completely gone. </p><p></p><p>But, despite all of the horrible things that I have lived with, I go on. I go on because some part of me knows that life is good. For a very long time---I didn't socialize at all. I went to work, I pasted a smile on my face, I came home and dealt with an out of control difficult child and a drug addicted husband, and I tried to stay in control. I didn't think I was worthy of friendship---I had nothing to offer anyone. I was numb, blank, frozen inside. </p><p></p><p>In the past few years, I have slowly come back to me. I recently got on facebook---and honestly, it has forced me to reconnect with friends from the past. I am living again after years of just existing.</p><p></p><p>This site has helped a lot. I have learned so much. So has reading. Love is a Choice, Happiness is a Choice, The Secret, The Purpose Driven Life, Seven Habits: each of these books helped me tremendously. </p><p></p><p>What I think I've finally realized is that my happiness, my joy, comes from inside of me. It was there, for years, buried beneath the damage that I had experienced. There are still days I have to force myself to be positive, but it gets easier with each passing day.</p><p></p><p>I know that your life is going to get better. Trust in that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="everywoman, post: 284301, member: 1436"] Steely, I didn't read any of the other responses. I didn't want to distort my own view, so if I repeat what anyone else said, I am sorry. Here goes: Life has never been easy for me. I was born to parents who were just kids themselves, and my birth did irreparable evidence to their lives. They were never able to be the people they could have been had I not come along. I lived with my grandparents from the time I was about 10---and although they loved me, I always felt like I was a burden. They had raised their children, and then because of my parents inability to grow up and act like adults, I felt like they "had" to take me. I married young, in a bar, to a very abusive (verbally and physically) man. I stayed there because I thought I deserved it. I had made my bed hard, so I forced myself to lie in it. Until I had enough. I married husband shortly after I came back to town. My divorce was final in Oct., I met him in May, and we married in August. Although I've never regretted that choice, it has brought me pain that almost destroyed me. His drug addiction has caused him to do things that ripped pieces of me away. And that ability to trust is completely gone. But, despite all of the horrible things that I have lived with, I go on. I go on because some part of me knows that life is good. For a very long time---I didn't socialize at all. I went to work, I pasted a smile on my face, I came home and dealt with an out of control difficult child and a drug addicted husband, and I tried to stay in control. I didn't think I was worthy of friendship---I had nothing to offer anyone. I was numb, blank, frozen inside. In the past few years, I have slowly come back to me. I recently got on facebook---and honestly, it has forced me to reconnect with friends from the past. I am living again after years of just existing. This site has helped a lot. I have learned so much. So has reading. Love is a Choice, Happiness is a Choice, The Secret, The Purpose Driven Life, Seven Habits: each of these books helped me tremendously. What I think I've finally realized is that my happiness, my joy, comes from inside of me. It was there, for years, buried beneath the damage that I had experienced. There are still days I have to force myself to be positive, but it gets easier with each passing day. I know that your life is going to get better. Trust in that. [/QUOTE]
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