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I am irreparably damaged
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<blockquote data-quote="Steely" data-source="post: 284678" data-attributes="member: 3301"><p>Thank you all. So many wonderful thoughts, suggestions, and encouragement. </p><p></p><p>As far as therapy - I have gotten myself into a psychological pickle by choosing a town of 5K to live in. There is not even a psychiatrist within 2 hours of here - let alone - a counselor. I thought/trusted I could handle leaving my awesome therapist of 6 years back in Dallas........however........I could have been wrong. Yet.......for now.......that is my reality.</p><p></p><p>EMDR is something I have researched and looked into - and I know it works. It is just not an option - nor is therapy - unless I drive countless hours a week to find it. Journaling is going to have to be my choice for now - I do derive great peace from it.</p><p></p><p>I also understand the need to create drama. I remember doing that in my first marriage, over and over. I was actually cognizant of my actions that caused the drama - and yet I did not know how to stop.</p><p></p><p>As for the guy thing. Good god. I am like a teenager that will never grow up. Seriously. I do not know what is wrong with me. One guy shows me affection and I am in love? Barph. Yet my heart is not attached to my mind. I SO desperately want real love before I die. And yet, perhaps it is not out there for me.</p><p></p><p>And Matthew. Well. The sad reality is that my son caused me such a profound and deep sense of trauma/fear/loss - that I cannot ignore it. I actually was glad when he was back in his group home today - so that I did not have to worry about his every move anymore while he was on his home visit. And that one confession makes me deeply sad and worried. How will I cope when he is out of the group home? How will I ever be normal when I am constantly worrying when the other shoe will drop?</p><p></p><p>Thanks again you guys.</p><p>I really needed this forum to vent and release - and I appreciate you all listening.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steely, post: 284678, member: 3301"] Thank you all. So many wonderful thoughts, suggestions, and encouragement. As far as therapy - I have gotten myself into a psychological pickle by choosing a town of 5K to live in. There is not even a psychiatrist within 2 hours of here - let alone - a counselor. I thought/trusted I could handle leaving my awesome therapist of 6 years back in Dallas........however........I could have been wrong. Yet.......for now.......that is my reality. EMDR is something I have researched and looked into - and I know it works. It is just not an option - nor is therapy - unless I drive countless hours a week to find it. Journaling is going to have to be my choice for now - I do derive great peace from it. I also understand the need to create drama. I remember doing that in my first marriage, over and over. I was actually cognizant of my actions that caused the drama - and yet I did not know how to stop. As for the guy thing. Good god. I am like a teenager that will never grow up. Seriously. I do not know what is wrong with me. One guy shows me affection and I am in love? Barph. Yet my heart is not attached to my mind. I SO desperately want real love before I die. And yet, perhaps it is not out there for me. And Matthew. Well. The sad reality is that my son caused me such a profound and deep sense of trauma/fear/loss - that I cannot ignore it. I actually was glad when he was back in his group home today - so that I did not have to worry about his every move anymore while he was on his home visit. And that one confession makes me deeply sad and worried. How will I cope when he is out of the group home? How will I ever be normal when I am constantly worrying when the other shoe will drop? Thanks again you guys. I really needed this forum to vent and release - and I appreciate you all listening. [/QUOTE]
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