Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
I am new here, and the mother to 4 sons.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 334325" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Have you had all the kids evaluated at the same time? It sounds freaky, but we did this because we wanted the experts to see the problems, as well as what the kids had in common. You know - what's familial, what's just "our kids" and what is disorder.</p><p></p><p>Your youngest at least I feel should be evaluated for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in some form. A lot of what you describe fits. Certainly he does sound like he wants to fit in but doesn't know how. Socially inappropriate but doing his best to learn how to slide by and, as difficult child 3 said to me years ago, "pretend to be normal".</p><p></p><p>Also on the ritalin, he could be getting rebound. Even if it's not rebound, we find that at the end of the day, all the stresses of the day tend to pile up, just as medications are wearing off and coping ability, already stretched to the limit, finally snaps. </p><p></p><p>A book that can help for the ODD-like stuff (better than medications - I didn't think t here were any medications that could be worth trying) is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. If you read much on tis website (and I recommend you do, read through archives as well as current posts, try to find anything that seems even slightly relevant to you) then you will find references to this book. It doesn't really matter what the diagnosis is, if the child generally has problems with impulse control, has a short fuse, has socialisation problems or is generally very difficult - the book can give you a different (often easier) way of handling them. Any discipline method that doesn't seem to be working - drop it. Why try, and fail? It only teaches the child that he is now stronger than you. The more you clash and lose (or even risk losing) the worse things become. If you try to count on "Because I'm the parent, I said so," then you are most likely going to find that your child can be more stubborn than you. The child generally has the opportunity to be more single-minded than you, since you have other family responsibilities to worry about and consider, while the child can simply fixate on one thing and stick with it.</p><p></p><p>It is therefore far better and more effective to find an alternative to the tug of war you can get into, with such kids. If you think about it - when you use the tug of war method of discipline (where you are constantly trying to impose your will and get compliance that way) you are actually setting the pattern for oppositional behaviour.</p><p></p><p>It's what they don't tell us in parenting class (also known as "normal upbringing"). We try to parent our kids in the ways that worked for us, the ways described in all the Dr Spock books, the ways that all our neighbours and relatives insist is the right way, the ways tat worked for our other kids - and we fail, with our difficult children. It's not because the methods are bad or that we are bad parents - it's because for some kids, they need a different method because their brains work a different way. Not defective, not bad, not damaged - just different.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you found us. Welcome. We can help, because we are parents like you who have often already been there. The pool of information is vast and a valuable resource. Feel free to use it. If we can help other people, it makes what we have been through, just that much more worthwhile.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 334325, member: 1991"] Have you had all the kids evaluated at the same time? It sounds freaky, but we did this because we wanted the experts to see the problems, as well as what the kids had in common. You know - what's familial, what's just "our kids" and what is disorder. Your youngest at least I feel should be evaluated for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in some form. A lot of what you describe fits. Certainly he does sound like he wants to fit in but doesn't know how. Socially inappropriate but doing his best to learn how to slide by and, as difficult child 3 said to me years ago, "pretend to be normal". Also on the ritalin, he could be getting rebound. Even if it's not rebound, we find that at the end of the day, all the stresses of the day tend to pile up, just as medications are wearing off and coping ability, already stretched to the limit, finally snaps. A book that can help for the ODD-like stuff (better than medications - I didn't think t here were any medications that could be worth trying) is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. If you read much on tis website (and I recommend you do, read through archives as well as current posts, try to find anything that seems even slightly relevant to you) then you will find references to this book. It doesn't really matter what the diagnosis is, if the child generally has problems with impulse control, has a short fuse, has socialisation problems or is generally very difficult - the book can give you a different (often easier) way of handling them. Any discipline method that doesn't seem to be working - drop it. Why try, and fail? It only teaches the child that he is now stronger than you. The more you clash and lose (or even risk losing) the worse things become. If you try to count on "Because I'm the parent, I said so," then you are most likely going to find that your child can be more stubborn than you. The child generally has the opportunity to be more single-minded than you, since you have other family responsibilities to worry about and consider, while the child can simply fixate on one thing and stick with it. It is therefore far better and more effective to find an alternative to the tug of war you can get into, with such kids. If you think about it - when you use the tug of war method of discipline (where you are constantly trying to impose your will and get compliance that way) you are actually setting the pattern for oppositional behaviour. It's what they don't tell us in parenting class (also known as "normal upbringing"). We try to parent our kids in the ways that worked for us, the ways described in all the Dr Spock books, the ways that all our neighbours and relatives insist is the right way, the ways tat worked for our other kids - and we fail, with our difficult children. It's not because the methods are bad or that we are bad parents - it's because for some kids, they need a different method because their brains work a different way. Not defective, not bad, not damaged - just different. I'm glad you found us. Welcome. We can help, because we are parents like you who have often already been there. The pool of information is vast and a valuable resource. Feel free to use it. If we can help other people, it makes what we have been through, just that much more worthwhile. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
I am new here, and the mother to 4 sons.
Top