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I am sad and desperate and hopeless again
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 745465" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Copa, just saw this. I'll have more to write later but just wanted to send you hugs and support across the miles. </p><p></p><p>And I wanted to ask a question: are you trapping yourself in all-or-nothing thinking here? I hear you say on one hand, you need to meet him with a therapist or in a neutral spot because you cannot bear to have him in your home. But then I hear you say you are considering letting him come back to live now that M is no longer living there. But how can you even consider letting him come back to live if you are not even at the point where you feel comfortable having him up for dinner for a couple hours? For me, I would need to spend lots of time, including time in my own space, with my child before I could consider letting one of them stay here, even temporarily. I would need time to feel out the relationship, see where their head is, and practice being together in small doses. </p><p></p><p>I hate to see you trap yourself in these either/or situations. Either you can maintain your relationship with M or you can help J. Either J comes and stays with you full time or you cannot have a relationship with him. Is there, perhaps a middle way you could pursue here? </p><p></p><p>What would happen if you said come up for lunch, you know you can't stay here right now but let's take an afternoon and start mapping out a plan and see where I can help you. I can help you file this paperwork for section 8. I can help you make these appointments and make a plan to get there. Etc. </p><p></p><p>Because you're right, maybe there is something going on that means he is not capable of following through on these things right now. Just as S seems to be incapable of following through. I know how hard it is to know where the line is between "don't want to/just didn't do it" and brain differences or disabilities that may mean some things we want them to do are truly outside of their capabilities. We don't want to enable, but we also don't want to leave them floundering if they truly do not have the capacity to do what they need to help themselves. I hear you saying you are coming to feel that some of what you want J to do may be beyond his capabilities right now, and you want to help. I understand that completely and would want to do the same. </p><p></p><p>But does help mean you have to bring him into your home? Does it mean giving up M? Is that fair? Are there other ways to help him take the steps he needs to take, if he's willing to start meeting you halfway? </p><p></p><p>So what about loosening up just a little and letting him come home just for a meal and a talk before making any big decisions here? Are you afraid he won't leave when it is time? Are you afraid of him physically? Do you not trust him enough to have him in your space? Any of those things would indicate to me that having him back in your house to stay permenantly is not a viable option. How can you commit to an indefinite stay if even a dinner feels too uncomfortable? </p><p></p><p>I don't have an answer here. I just feel you hurting so much, and I wish you could find a third way here that honors what YOU need, including your relationship with M if that's what you still want, as well as what J needs. A way that has a clear path forward for both of you - towards independence for J, and towards self-love and compassion for you. </p><p></p><p>Big, big hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 745465, member: 23349"] Copa, just saw this. I'll have more to write later but just wanted to send you hugs and support across the miles. And I wanted to ask a question: are you trapping yourself in all-or-nothing thinking here? I hear you say on one hand, you need to meet him with a therapist or in a neutral spot because you cannot bear to have him in your home. But then I hear you say you are considering letting him come back to live now that M is no longer living there. But how can you even consider letting him come back to live if you are not even at the point where you feel comfortable having him up for dinner for a couple hours? For me, I would need to spend lots of time, including time in my own space, with my child before I could consider letting one of them stay here, even temporarily. I would need time to feel out the relationship, see where their head is, and practice being together in small doses. I hate to see you trap yourself in these either/or situations. Either you can maintain your relationship with M or you can help J. Either J comes and stays with you full time or you cannot have a relationship with him. Is there, perhaps a middle way you could pursue here? What would happen if you said come up for lunch, you know you can't stay here right now but let's take an afternoon and start mapping out a plan and see where I can help you. I can help you file this paperwork for section 8. I can help you make these appointments and make a plan to get there. Etc. Because you're right, maybe there is something going on that means he is not capable of following through on these things right now. Just as S seems to be incapable of following through. I know how hard it is to know where the line is between "don't want to/just didn't do it" and brain differences or disabilities that may mean some things we want them to do are truly outside of their capabilities. We don't want to enable, but we also don't want to leave them floundering if they truly do not have the capacity to do what they need to help themselves. I hear you saying you are coming to feel that some of what you want J to do may be beyond his capabilities right now, and you want to help. I understand that completely and would want to do the same. But does help mean you have to bring him into your home? Does it mean giving up M? Is that fair? Are there other ways to help him take the steps he needs to take, if he's willing to start meeting you halfway? So what about loosening up just a little and letting him come home just for a meal and a talk before making any big decisions here? Are you afraid he won't leave when it is time? Are you afraid of him physically? Do you not trust him enough to have him in your space? Any of those things would indicate to me that having him back in your house to stay permenantly is not a viable option. How can you commit to an indefinite stay if even a dinner feels too uncomfortable? I don't have an answer here. I just feel you hurting so much, and I wish you could find a third way here that honors what YOU need, including your relationship with M if that's what you still want, as well as what J needs. A way that has a clear path forward for both of you - towards independence for J, and towards self-love and compassion for you. Big, big hugs. [/QUOTE]
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