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I am sad and desperate and hopeless again
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 745580" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you people. I agree with all of it. In fact it's illuminating. Not just about yesterday. About all of the events that led to his leaving town five months ago.</p><p></p><p>The only person who had to change here is me.</p><p></p><p>When he would not pay the quantity of rent he agreed on (this struggle had gone on two years, mind you) this was a manifestation of who he is, and how he lives. I could have just stayed calm and accepted the money and insisted he set up an automatic withdrawal. Neutral. Dispassionate. Taken my power.</p><p></p><p>But this was my line in the stand. Finally. Because until then I felt no power. Or center. I had to create it.</p><p></p><p>I would not budge. Finally. It was not about him. it was about me.</p><p></p><p>-----</p><p></p><p>I am scratching my head. Why did I not just accept the money from him when (finally)</p><p>under pressure he decided to give it to me?</p><p></p><p>That would have been the logical and humane thing to do. For him.</p><p></p><p>But not for me. I had to change. I had to decide that I could set a boundary and maintain it. Cost what it cost. To him or me.</p><p></p><p>What I regret is the cost to him But I did the right thing for me. I see it.</p><p></p><p>Not wanting to pay the full rent was only a manifestation of the same self-centered chaos, disorganization and dysregulatuon that is his baseline. He was just being him.</p><p></p><p>What changed was me. I stopped being the same me.</p><p></p><p>I feel terrible he suffered at my hand. (Homeless.) But the thing is, his lifestyle and chosen priorities have caused me to suffer. For years and years. To endure it all those years was wrong</p><p></p><p>That is not counting how we pushed him. That's on us.</p><p></p><p>The train trip was not bad. I do it all the time. The destination was tranquil, beautiful and easy. I saw a yarn shop. Maybe they give lessons.</p><p></p><p>I can envision doing this again. But I would only leave on the train if he guarantees me he is there, waiting. Let him find a library and wait.</p><p></p><p>The head scratching part is he rides this train all the time. It would have been one stop. For him.</p><p></p><p>Instead he remembered for sure this town had a metro station (never) and ended up in Timbuktu. And then blamed everybody that tried to help him for screwing up. He would not see clear to meet me even one fifth of the way. The need is his. He still cannot do it.</p><p></p><p>Thank you everybody.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 745580, member: 18958"] Thank you people. I agree with all of it. In fact it's illuminating. Not just about yesterday. About all of the events that led to his leaving town five months ago. The only person who had to change here is me. When he would not pay the quantity of rent he agreed on (this struggle had gone on two years, mind you) this was a manifestation of who he is, and how he lives. I could have just stayed calm and accepted the money and insisted he set up an automatic withdrawal. Neutral. Dispassionate. Taken my power. But this was my line in the stand. Finally. Because until then I felt no power. Or center. I had to create it. I would not budge. Finally. It was not about him. it was about me. ----- I am scratching my head. Why did I not just accept the money from him when (finally) under pressure he decided to give it to me? That would have been the logical and humane thing to do. For him. But not for me. I had to change. I had to decide that I could set a boundary and maintain it. Cost what it cost. To him or me. What I regret is the cost to him But I did the right thing for me. I see it. Not wanting to pay the full rent was only a manifestation of the same self-centered chaos, disorganization and dysregulatuon that is his baseline. He was just being him. What changed was me. I stopped being the same me. I feel terrible he suffered at my hand. (Homeless.) But the thing is, his lifestyle and chosen priorities have caused me to suffer. For years and years. To endure it all those years was wrong That is not counting how we pushed him. That's on us. The train trip was not bad. I do it all the time. The destination was tranquil, beautiful and easy. I saw a yarn shop. Maybe they give lessons. I can envision doing this again. But I would only leave on the train if he guarantees me he is there, waiting. Let him find a library and wait. The head scratching part is he rides this train all the time. It would have been one stop. For him. Instead he remembered for sure this town had a metro station (never) and ended up in Timbuktu. And then blamed everybody that tried to help him for screwing up. He would not see clear to meet me even one fifth of the way. The need is his. He still cannot do it. Thank you everybody. [/QUOTE]
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