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I am sad and desperate and hopeless again
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 745750" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you Elsi.</p><p></p><p>I had an interesting reaction and response to this. To me a reaction is different than I response. A reaction is automatic and unthinking. A response, is that: a deliberate and conscious decision to act.</p><p></p><p>The reaction was this: Why not? Kind of defensive. And when I think about it, kind of unconscious, and external. </p><p></p><p>The response was: you're right. There's no going back. Not that I can't try again with him. But the question is, why would I, if I factor in the cost to me, and that is what has changed. I have changed.</p><p></p><p>Had I not changed I would not have freaked out last week, when he wrote he was on the train. I was traumatized. Why? Because I have begun to factor myself into the equation. I am now part of this. Before I was acting either unconsciously or like an inanimate object. Like a vacuum picks up dust from a rug. </p><p></p><p>So. Yes. I could go back in time, and be that person, but why? Why would I? </p><p></p><p>Could I close my eyes to self-destructive behavior? Did the trouble and the effort result in any betterment by my son in either functioning or self-care? The answer is "no."</p><p></p><p>But the thing is this: I want my son to come back. I want him to come back <em>and do well. </em> And that is the problem, because <em>doing well </em>is amorphous, undefined, and a set up. I have no control over "doing well" and "doing well" is a completely subjective quantity.</p><p></p><p>My son plays around with words like this: <em>I'm doing bad. Really bad. Not good. Not good. </em>So wanting him to <em>do well.</em> Does not cut it.<em> It's a set up for both of us.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>But still<em> I want him to come home. </em>And that is problematic. Because nothing I have written lends me to believe that there would be a good outcome, unless my son takes affirmative steps to change. And there is no evidence he has. </p><p></p><p>Except this: I can change. If I stay away from the marijuana issue. If I don't nag him about his medical care. If I let him work out his living situation, himself. If we set up clear ground rules in writing, if we have rent paid automatically. Like you guys have been coaching me. Then, there is a chance.</p><p></p><p>And if I start to get a better handle on the <em>tied to the train tracks feelings</em>. <em>And recognize that I have put myself there. And I can get myself off.</em> And while I put my son's name on this, this has nothing to do with him.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 745750, member: 18958"] Thank you Elsi. I had an interesting reaction and response to this. To me a reaction is different than I response. A reaction is automatic and unthinking. A response, is that: a deliberate and conscious decision to act. The reaction was this: Why not? Kind of defensive. And when I think about it, kind of unconscious, and external. The response was: you're right. There's no going back. Not that I can't try again with him. But the question is, why would I, if I factor in the cost to me, and that is what has changed. I have changed. Had I not changed I would not have freaked out last week, when he wrote he was on the train. I was traumatized. Why? Because I have begun to factor myself into the equation. I am now part of this. Before I was acting either unconsciously or like an inanimate object. Like a vacuum picks up dust from a rug. So. Yes. I could go back in time, and be that person, but why? Why would I? Could I close my eyes to self-destructive behavior? Did the trouble and the effort result in any betterment by my son in either functioning or self-care? The answer is "no." But the thing is this: I want my son to come back. I want him to come back [I]and do well. [/I] And that is the problem, because [I]doing well [/I]is amorphous, undefined, and a set up. I have no control over "doing well" and "doing well" is a completely subjective quantity. My son plays around with words like this: [I]I'm doing bad. Really bad. Not good. Not good. [/I]So wanting him to [I]do well.[/I] Does not cut it.[I] It's a set up for both of us. [/I] But still[I] I want him to come home. [/I]And that is problematic. Because nothing I have written lends me to believe that there would be a good outcome, unless my son takes affirmative steps to change. And there is no evidence he has. Except this: I can change. If I stay away from the marijuana issue. If I don't nag him about his medical care. If I let him work out his living situation, himself. If we set up clear ground rules in writing, if we have rent paid automatically. Like you guys have been coaching me. Then, there is a chance. And if I start to get a better handle on the [I]tied to the train tracks feelings[/I]. [I]And recognize that I have put myself there. And I can get myself off.[/I] And while I put my son's name on this, this has nothing to do with him. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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