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I am sad and desperate and hopeless again
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 746100" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Copa, thinking of you today. It wouldn't have just been harder on you. It would have been harder on DOLLY. If you'd brought her home, you would have only prolonged her suffering, so you could have a few more days with her for your benefit. You did the loving, humane thing. When humans reach the end of life and are suffering, we give them lots of morphine because dying can be hard and painful. We don't have that kind of hospice option for our pets. All we can do is ease them out of this life before they have to suffer. You did the right thing. Don't linger in regret. </p><p></p><p>And don't beat yourself up on the text either. I can understand the perspective that it is better to tell them in person and not by text, especially if they are already struggling. I guess I see this differently, though. I don't see my wayward ones regularly. If I wait for the right time and the right way to tell them something, I may be waiting for weeks. And then, on top of being upset about the news, they will be upset that they weren't told. Sometimes, their phones are off and I can only communicate with them asynchronously through Facebook Messanger, which they can see when they are somewhere with WiFi. Sometimes, they just don't pick up voice calls or listen to voice messages, because their generation, in general, communicates differently than we do and my kids, in particular, are living in chaos. So I may try to call and ask them to call me back if I have heavy news to share. But if I can't reach them live, I have to tell them somehow. Sometimes that way is not what we would think of as ideal. I had to tell C over Messanger when my grandpa died because I had no other way to reach him. I tried to soften it as much as possible and told him to call me to talk when he was able. He appreciated being told. I did the same when Stellaluna died, and Lady D. (Though Lady D was not part of their childhood, so that wasn't as upsetting for them.)</p><p></p><p>I don't see these things as me selfishly wanting them to share my pain. I see it as a matter of respect for them. They are still part of this family. If I let them wait weeks to hear what the rest of us already know, I feel that it drives a further wedge in the relationship, making them feel like they are no longer part of things and no longer matter in our wider family life. Some things they need and deserve to know when they happen. And I have to use the channels they leave open for me to do that. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Just wanted to second this. You absolutely matter. And you add value. I know right now he is making it hard to connect. But I truly believe you WILL connect eventually, and your relationship will continue to grow and evolve. Sometimes we have to have patience. He hasn't severed the ties entirely - he keeps reaching out. There's a reason for that. Because you matter to him. And you add value to his life. </p><p></p><p>Hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 746100, member: 23349"] Copa, thinking of you today. It wouldn't have just been harder on you. It would have been harder on DOLLY. If you'd brought her home, you would have only prolonged her suffering, so you could have a few more days with her for your benefit. You did the loving, humane thing. When humans reach the end of life and are suffering, we give them lots of morphine because dying can be hard and painful. We don't have that kind of hospice option for our pets. All we can do is ease them out of this life before they have to suffer. You did the right thing. Don't linger in regret. And don't beat yourself up on the text either. I can understand the perspective that it is better to tell them in person and not by text, especially if they are already struggling. I guess I see this differently, though. I don't see my wayward ones regularly. If I wait for the right time and the right way to tell them something, I may be waiting for weeks. And then, on top of being upset about the news, they will be upset that they weren't told. Sometimes, their phones are off and I can only communicate with them asynchronously through Facebook Messanger, which they can see when they are somewhere with WiFi. Sometimes, they just don't pick up voice calls or listen to voice messages, because their generation, in general, communicates differently than we do and my kids, in particular, are living in chaos. So I may try to call and ask them to call me back if I have heavy news to share. But if I can't reach them live, I have to tell them somehow. Sometimes that way is not what we would think of as ideal. I had to tell C over Messanger when my grandpa died because I had no other way to reach him. I tried to soften it as much as possible and told him to call me to talk when he was able. He appreciated being told. I did the same when Stellaluna died, and Lady D. (Though Lady D was not part of their childhood, so that wasn't as upsetting for them.) I don't see these things as me selfishly wanting them to share my pain. I see it as a matter of respect for them. They are still part of this family. If I let them wait weeks to hear what the rest of us already know, I feel that it drives a further wedge in the relationship, making them feel like they are no longer part of things and no longer matter in our wider family life. Some things they need and deserve to know when they happen. And I have to use the channels they leave open for me to do that. Just wanted to second this. You absolutely matter. And you add value. I know right now he is making it hard to connect. But I truly believe you WILL connect eventually, and your relationship will continue to grow and evolve. Sometimes we have to have patience. He hasn't severed the ties entirely - he keeps reaching out. There's a reason for that. Because you matter to him. And you add value to his life. Hugs. [/QUOTE]
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