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I am snapping in two - or should I say into
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<blockquote data-quote="Steely" data-source="post: 437759" data-attributes="member: 3301"><p>Thank you all (and my therapist) for finally pounding this concept into my head!!! I seriously am the most giving, throw myself down on the rail road tracks for you kind of person - that it is hard for me to imagine that other people, especially family, are not that way. I do it for strangers, dogs, friends, family - it is intrinsic and second nature - yet it is obviously not healthy. I am not sure if it is just some dysfunction I have - or maybe I was born with this "gift" and all along I should have been using it in a profession rather than my personal life. Not sure - at this point it does not matter - because I am so burned out I cannot use it anywhere.</p><p></p><p>I cried so much yesterday that I have an emotional hangover - but I did decide one thing. I am not going back up to Portland on the first. My mom wanted my help to unload boxes, and wanted me there to celebrate the fourth, and really wanted me there to scatter my dads ashes. I am not going. You know what - I said goodbye to my dad as he took his last breath, I helped put my dad in the body bag, I stood at the memorial and read a poem and said goodbye - that is enough closure. I do not need to also scatter ashes too. Period.</p><p></p><p>Matthew will supposedly take a bus from Idaho to Portland to find a place to live - and if that is the case - again I am not going to be there. If my Mom cannot help find him a place - then well, I don't know. Matt is my Achilles heal in this scenario - because someone is going to have to help him move his junk from AZ to OR - and it is just me and him in this world. Someone is going to have to facilitate finding him a good psychiatric, therapist, and spine dr - because he gets information so confused. He really has a truly significant processing disorder - and I don't know what to do about that. I am hoping once in Portland I can find some sort of wrap around services that can come in and assist him - so that I can be removed from this equation. I also can't really tell what he is truly capable of, because he is so co-depedent on me. I think the next month will truly tell all.</p><p></p><p>I kind of feel sick - and lonely - but also free. I don't think this will be easy as I cut away from doing, giving, etc. Because everyone expects it, and I am easily pressured and guilted. It is going to be a true act of self discipline.</p><p></p><p>PS - Star* it is so funny that you said that about the dog - because of course what was the first thing that ran through my mind when you posted that picture. LOL.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steely, post: 437759, member: 3301"] Thank you all (and my therapist) for finally pounding this concept into my head!!! I seriously am the most giving, throw myself down on the rail road tracks for you kind of person - that it is hard for me to imagine that other people, especially family, are not that way. I do it for strangers, dogs, friends, family - it is intrinsic and second nature - yet it is obviously not healthy. I am not sure if it is just some dysfunction I have - or maybe I was born with this "gift" and all along I should have been using it in a profession rather than my personal life. Not sure - at this point it does not matter - because I am so burned out I cannot use it anywhere. I cried so much yesterday that I have an emotional hangover - but I did decide one thing. I am not going back up to Portland on the first. My mom wanted my help to unload boxes, and wanted me there to celebrate the fourth, and really wanted me there to scatter my dads ashes. I am not going. You know what - I said goodbye to my dad as he took his last breath, I helped put my dad in the body bag, I stood at the memorial and read a poem and said goodbye - that is enough closure. I do not need to also scatter ashes too. Period. Matthew will supposedly take a bus from Idaho to Portland to find a place to live - and if that is the case - again I am not going to be there. If my Mom cannot help find him a place - then well, I don't know. Matt is my Achilles heal in this scenario - because someone is going to have to help him move his junk from AZ to OR - and it is just me and him in this world. Someone is going to have to facilitate finding him a good psychiatric, therapist, and spine dr - because he gets information so confused. He really has a truly significant processing disorder - and I don't know what to do about that. I am hoping once in Portland I can find some sort of wrap around services that can come in and assist him - so that I can be removed from this equation. I also can't really tell what he is truly capable of, because he is so co-depedent on me. I think the next month will truly tell all. I kind of feel sick - and lonely - but also free. I don't think this will be easy as I cut away from doing, giving, etc. Because everyone expects it, and I am easily pressured and guilted. It is going to be a true act of self discipline. PS - Star* it is so funny that you said that about the dog - because of course what was the first thing that ran through my mind when you posted that picture. LOL. [/QUOTE]
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