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I am so angry
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<blockquote data-quote="flutterbee" data-source="post: 198803"><p>My son is the only one who has apologized to me. The only one. And I know he means it. It's interesting that the adults aren't as mature.</p><p></p><p>I am letting it go. I had a good session with my therapist today. It's a process, but I realize that these people are who they are and that is a reflection of them, not me. </p><p></p><p>I'm not perfect, but I'm compassionate, empathic, caring and try really hard not to be judgmental. I guess I tend to expect that in others. </p><p></p><p>What really, really got to me was just a few months after I went into the psychiatric hospital and my mom was still busy being angry, not understanding, not trying to understand (I would give her books on it, but she wouldn't read them) and telling me basically that I should just s-uck it up, she had a friend who was admitted for severe depression. My mom was so concerned and so compassionate and would spend hours upon hours at a time on the phone with her. Interestingly enough, this friend is still very much struggling with depression and one of the main reasons is because she doesn't really do much to help herself or to change her situation (not passing judgment...I like and respect this woman...just stating facts). Whereas, I overcame it - with no help or support from my mom - and yet that's still not good enough.</p><p></p><p>I've spent my entire life trying to obtain my mom's approval, and then the approval of others. Always wanting to be pleasing - then going to the opposite end and not giving a damn - always worried that people didn't like me, always worried that I sounded stupid, always worried that I sounded weak, never opening myself up to anyone completely. And it turns out that the only approval I need is my own. It's only taken me 35 years to fully get that. Intellectually, I've known it for a very long time. Putting it into practice has been a much more difficult process. </p><p></p><p>Thanks for listening.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="flutterbee, post: 198803"] My son is the only one who has apologized to me. The only one. And I know he means it. It's interesting that the adults aren't as mature. I am letting it go. I had a good session with my therapist today. It's a process, but I realize that these people are who they are and that is a reflection of them, not me. I'm not perfect, but I'm compassionate, empathic, caring and try really hard not to be judgmental. I guess I tend to expect that in others. What really, really got to me was just a few months after I went into the psychiatric hospital and my mom was still busy being angry, not understanding, not trying to understand (I would give her books on it, but she wouldn't read them) and telling me basically that I should just s-uck it up, she had a friend who was admitted for severe depression. My mom was so concerned and so compassionate and would spend hours upon hours at a time on the phone with her. Interestingly enough, this friend is still very much struggling with depression and one of the main reasons is because she doesn't really do much to help herself or to change her situation (not passing judgment...I like and respect this woman...just stating facts). Whereas, I overcame it - with no help or support from my mom - and yet that's still not good enough. I've spent my entire life trying to obtain my mom's approval, and then the approval of others. Always wanting to be pleasing - then going to the opposite end and not giving a damn - always worried that people didn't like me, always worried that I sounded stupid, always worried that I sounded weak, never opening myself up to anyone completely. And it turns out that the only approval I need is my own. It's only taken me 35 years to fully get that. Intellectually, I've known it for a very long time. Putting it into practice has been a much more difficult process. Thanks for listening. [/QUOTE]
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