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I DID IT AND IT WORKED!!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 116790" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Oh, well done! It's not easy, but by not engaging in it AT ALL, you totally turned the tables.</p><p></p><p>For long-term reference - as you think he can handle it, you do need to still stay cool but make it clear you're not owning any negative stuff. And again, you drop it if it's setting him off at the mouth again. But any positive stuff - thank him. You show him how you want to be treated, by treating him that way (as if he is a forgetful elderly aunt staying with you).</p><p></p><p>Sometimes the problems are not about blame. Sounds like he is too focussed on blame, sometimes because we teach them - parents and teachers teach, I mean - to see things only from a blame point of view. What I've been doing, especially lately with easy child 2/difficult child 2 getting defensive by blaming, is I say, "This isn't about blame, it's about 'what do we do now?'" It totally shuts her off, without forcing her to shut up. She shuts herself up, if you can see the difference I mean.</p><p></p><p>I loved the bit where he grabbed the phone from you - very revealing. And also very productive, because it meant that he was doing something about the missing phone.</p><p></p><p>An example of how I deflect the blame stuff - we just were shopping; me, mother in law & difficult child 3. I had told difficult child 3 to go buy his pizza, then meet us either back at the car, or outside the chocolate shop where mother in law was waiting. I did my bit of shopping, went to the chocolate shop where mother in law was sitting on the bench and from there we walked back to the car. My mobile phone rang just as we got to the car - it was difficult child 3. "Where are you? I've been to the car, been to the chocolate hoop - you're not in either place! Why are you never where you say you will be?"</p><p>I replied calmly that we had gone straight back to the car from the shop; he must have just missed us in the crowd. He began to bluster about how we were the ones not paying attention, I just said, "It's not important, it's nobody's fault, these things just happen sometimes, you know where we are now so come on back. It's OK."</p><p></p><p>A big part of the panicked angry response is fear and anxiety. Sometimes it's fear of being blamed, so they attack and accuse to try and deflect blame (and attention). That's a habit that you need to break urgently, in whoever is doing it. He will not be the only one, he is getting it from somewhere. You might even need to write up a big sign, "Sometimes it's nobody's fault." Or "Blame is not the issue."</p><p>And sometimes they just get angry, as does a parent whose kid has got lost in the woods. The kid is found and the first thing you do is hug them; the second thing you do is spank them for making you so anxious!</p><p></p><p>A kid who has learned to attack as a deflection, is one whose coping skills have been derailed and who is using derailing as a coping skill. Inappropriate, and will lead to further inappropriate behaviour later in life - in his own relationships, in the workplace - anywhere.</p><p></p><p>Some teachers do this. I remember when my best friend's son found some pills of mine, they had dropped out of my bag while I was teaching remedial reading to a classmate of his. My pills were in a bottle with my name on it, so he knew they were mine. He picked them up, saw my name and put them in his pocket. He said he intended to drop them in to me after school, and I have no doubt whatsoever that this is exactly what he intended to do. </p><p>But someone told his teacher, who accused him of stealing them and then of lying, being sneaky and a lot of other things. He was dumbstruck - he thought he was doing a good deed.</p><p>Of course he SHOULD have handed them in or reported the find, but he was only 11 years old, it was a dumb mistake. The teacher should have checked carefully before accusing him, and used it to teach him what to do next time.</p><p>I got a phone call from the school to collect my pills. My friend got a phone call from the school that her son was a thief of other people's drugs and a liar about it too. We listened to her son, pieced together what happened and went to confront the teacher.</p><p>Her response: "Before you get too annoyed with me, I need to tell you - your son has been difficult all year. He is not a team player, he has been sneaky, I can't trust him at all; and now this. it was just the last straw. I was going to call you in for a meeting about him anyway, so I'm glad you've used this opportunity to see me about him."</p><p>My friend was totally floored - it seemed the incident had brought another problem to light only just in time. </p><p>My friend had been neatly deflected; her anger at the teacher was now fury with her son; she had been embarrassed, gone to his defence and found that he was not worthy of defending, he had been a problem all year. The wind had been taken out of her sails and she stormed home to tear strips off the boy, dragging me in tow. I was very embarrassed; if I had not accidentally dropped my pills, none of this would have happened.</p><p>The boy was expecting his mother to reassure him when she walked in the door; instead, his mother tore into him. They had a blazing row, he got grounded, I went home feeling terrible.</p><p>Two days later my friend called. "I've been looking at my son's school report," she began. "The one that this same teacher wrote only a month ago. She describes him as cooperative, thoughtful, intelligent, honest, a model citizen, works well with others." My friend just looked at me. "And she said all those horrible things about him, said he had been a problem like that all year - but she didn't think that a month ago."</p><p></p><p>So if an adult, a teacher, can attack one of her own students with character assassination in a desperate attempt to deflect blame from herself, then you can see how a child can easily get into the same sort of bad habit. And they do it, because IT WORKS. My friend had been totally deflected, her son got a sharp lesson in "Never do a good deed; never expect your mother to stick up for you with the teacher." A great pity.</p><p></p><p>So you've made a good start with your son and got a big positive payoff for your troubles. Hang in there, be on the lookout for him to try to find another way to rattle you. But hopefully he will be more inclined to listen first and not try to assign blame so quickly.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 116790, member: 1991"] Oh, well done! It's not easy, but by not engaging in it AT ALL, you totally turned the tables. For long-term reference - as you think he can handle it, you do need to still stay cool but make it clear you're not owning any negative stuff. And again, you drop it if it's setting him off at the mouth again. But any positive stuff - thank him. You show him how you want to be treated, by treating him that way (as if he is a forgetful elderly aunt staying with you). Sometimes the problems are not about blame. Sounds like he is too focussed on blame, sometimes because we teach them - parents and teachers teach, I mean - to see things only from a blame point of view. What I've been doing, especially lately with easy child 2/difficult child 2 getting defensive by blaming, is I say, "This isn't about blame, it's about 'what do we do now?'" It totally shuts her off, without forcing her to shut up. She shuts herself up, if you can see the difference I mean. I loved the bit where he grabbed the phone from you - very revealing. And also very productive, because it meant that he was doing something about the missing phone. An example of how I deflect the blame stuff - we just were shopping; me, mother in law & difficult child 3. I had told difficult child 3 to go buy his pizza, then meet us either back at the car, or outside the chocolate shop where mother in law was waiting. I did my bit of shopping, went to the chocolate shop where mother in law was sitting on the bench and from there we walked back to the car. My mobile phone rang just as we got to the car - it was difficult child 3. "Where are you? I've been to the car, been to the chocolate hoop - you're not in either place! Why are you never where you say you will be?" I replied calmly that we had gone straight back to the car from the shop; he must have just missed us in the crowd. He began to bluster about how we were the ones not paying attention, I just said, "It's not important, it's nobody's fault, these things just happen sometimes, you know where we are now so come on back. It's OK." A big part of the panicked angry response is fear and anxiety. Sometimes it's fear of being blamed, so they attack and accuse to try and deflect blame (and attention). That's a habit that you need to break urgently, in whoever is doing it. He will not be the only one, he is getting it from somewhere. You might even need to write up a big sign, "Sometimes it's nobody's fault." Or "Blame is not the issue." And sometimes they just get angry, as does a parent whose kid has got lost in the woods. The kid is found and the first thing you do is hug them; the second thing you do is spank them for making you so anxious! A kid who has learned to attack as a deflection, is one whose coping skills have been derailed and who is using derailing as a coping skill. Inappropriate, and will lead to further inappropriate behaviour later in life - in his own relationships, in the workplace - anywhere. Some teachers do this. I remember when my best friend's son found some pills of mine, they had dropped out of my bag while I was teaching remedial reading to a classmate of his. My pills were in a bottle with my name on it, so he knew they were mine. He picked them up, saw my name and put them in his pocket. He said he intended to drop them in to me after school, and I have no doubt whatsoever that this is exactly what he intended to do. But someone told his teacher, who accused him of stealing them and then of lying, being sneaky and a lot of other things. He was dumbstruck - he thought he was doing a good deed. Of course he SHOULD have handed them in or reported the find, but he was only 11 years old, it was a dumb mistake. The teacher should have checked carefully before accusing him, and used it to teach him what to do next time. I got a phone call from the school to collect my pills. My friend got a phone call from the school that her son was a thief of other people's drugs and a liar about it too. We listened to her son, pieced together what happened and went to confront the teacher. Her response: "Before you get too annoyed with me, I need to tell you - your son has been difficult all year. He is not a team player, he has been sneaky, I can't trust him at all; and now this. it was just the last straw. I was going to call you in for a meeting about him anyway, so I'm glad you've used this opportunity to see me about him." My friend was totally floored - it seemed the incident had brought another problem to light only just in time. My friend had been neatly deflected; her anger at the teacher was now fury with her son; she had been embarrassed, gone to his defence and found that he was not worthy of defending, he had been a problem all year. The wind had been taken out of her sails and she stormed home to tear strips off the boy, dragging me in tow. I was very embarrassed; if I had not accidentally dropped my pills, none of this would have happened. The boy was expecting his mother to reassure him when she walked in the door; instead, his mother tore into him. They had a blazing row, he got grounded, I went home feeling terrible. Two days later my friend called. "I've been looking at my son's school report," she began. "The one that this same teacher wrote only a month ago. She describes him as cooperative, thoughtful, intelligent, honest, a model citizen, works well with others." My friend just looked at me. "And she said all those horrible things about him, said he had been a problem like that all year - but she didn't think that a month ago." So if an adult, a teacher, can attack one of her own students with character assassination in a desperate attempt to deflect blame from herself, then you can see how a child can easily get into the same sort of bad habit. And they do it, because IT WORKS. My friend had been totally deflected, her son got a sharp lesson in "Never do a good deed; never expect your mother to stick up for you with the teacher." A great pity. So you've made a good start with your son and got a big positive payoff for your troubles. Hang in there, be on the lookout for him to try to find another way to rattle you. But hopefully he will be more inclined to listen first and not try to assign blame so quickly. Marg [/QUOTE]
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