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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 722628" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>i agree with sam. </p><p></p><p>the external motivation part.</p><p>the clarity about independence, eventually.</p><p></p><p>but most of all: regaining your moral authority.</p><p></p><p>this has two parts: your moral authority to her. and respect for your own moral authority.</p><p></p><p>right now your respect for yourself as a mother and even a person seems unwarrentedly and unfairly low.</p><p></p><p>i was there too. even other people outside the family judged me and put me down.</p><p></p><p>i put myself last. my needs. my interests. my importance. my value. with respect to my life as a mother.</p><p></p><p>only when this latter dynamic changes can one begin to own the authority in oneself as a moral actor.</p><p></p><p>i had a substantial job. lots of esteem and moral authority at work. but i came to see i felt like an imposter. i had no deep respect or care for who i was--independent of the role.</p><p></p><p>i had lived a false life in a sense. as long as these deep feelings of despair, self-blame, impotence and insignificance...were so much of my core. </p><p></p><p>i came to see i had to quit being two people. that's why i and others say--you are the person who will change.</p><p></p><p>your daughter is okay. she has friends, a social life, surfing and a spritual life. she has also grown up seeing you abused. it sounds like she is piling one. </p><p></p><p>you have gotten some good ideas on how to start with her. i am saying it is more important to start with you. not because something is wrong with you but because each of us requires our own devotion, care, protection, respect.</p><p></p><p>especially when we are alone, in the weeds, bereft, lost and doubting.</p><p></p><p>there are practices that can serve to guide us back to ourselves. at this point in my own life i am open to them. before? everything in me was oriented as far away from my real needs and the reality of my life as possible.</p><p></p><p>i hurt my son by this and i hurt myself. i did my best at the time but it is hard to forgive myself. which is to say: you are essentially valuable.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 722628, member: 18958"] i agree with sam. the external motivation part. the clarity about independence, eventually. but most of all: regaining your moral authority. this has two parts: your moral authority to her. and respect for your own moral authority. right now your respect for yourself as a mother and even a person seems unwarrentedly and unfairly low. i was there too. even other people outside the family judged me and put me down. i put myself last. my needs. my interests. my importance. my value. with respect to my life as a mother. only when this latter dynamic changes can one begin to own the authority in oneself as a moral actor. i had a substantial job. lots of esteem and moral authority at work. but i came to see i felt like an imposter. i had no deep respect or care for who i was--independent of the role. i had lived a false life in a sense. as long as these deep feelings of despair, self-blame, impotence and insignificance...were so much of my core. i came to see i had to quit being two people. that's why i and others say--you are the person who will change. your daughter is okay. she has friends, a social life, surfing and a spritual life. she has also grown up seeing you abused. it sounds like she is piling one. you have gotten some good ideas on how to start with her. i am saying it is more important to start with you. not because something is wrong with you but because each of us requires our own devotion, care, protection, respect. especially when we are alone, in the weeds, bereft, lost and doubting. there are practices that can serve to guide us back to ourselves. at this point in my own life i am open to them. before? everything in me was oriented as far away from my real needs and the reality of my life as possible. i hurt my son by this and i hurt myself. i did my best at the time but it is hard to forgive myself. which is to say: you are essentially valuable. [/QUOTE]
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