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<blockquote data-quote="Sam3" data-source="post: 722668" data-attributes="member: 19290"><p>That's the arc, as I have never seen it put so perfectly, Iron Butterfly. Thank you. </p><p></p><p>For Lynn34, at the beginning of the arc, </p><p></p><p>Our kids have expressed such dire, minute to minute needs that we have come to believe that if we do not respond correctly, minute to minute, that it will be certain disaster. Your daughter "going sideways" as you say, may feel like that disaster. </p><p></p><p>But it's probably not. </p><p></p><p>First of all, even if she's not overreacting out of habit, they are just feelings. It is harder for us to live with our child feeling bad feelings sometimes, than for us to feel them first hand.</p><p></p><p>But think about when you do have terrible sadness or anger -- it is awful. But it is not intolerable. It may not be intolerable for her either, even if she is acting out. That might just be her method. </p><p></p><p>But it also might just be the method she's become accustomed to. </p><p></p><p>If she is actually the ticking time bomb she presents herself to be, then she needs more help than you can provide, anyway. She would be more like a patient -- in need of professional help. </p><p></p><p>Neither scenario gives you much choice about what you can or should do. </p><p></p><p>To become stable, she needs treatment and/or to grow up. So you're right back to how you can force those things. Whatever you do or say, she will rain down the backlash. That doesn't make it any less necessary. </p><p></p><p>We can't condition making the right decisions on them "buying in." We would hope they do -- but we are the adults for a reason. </p><p></p><p>You asked how to start. Take a breath and a break. Truly depressed/anxious people might be self destructive at times, but they don't usually wave around a grenade and make their loved ones responsible for keeping in the pin.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sam3, post: 722668, member: 19290"] That's the arc, as I have never seen it put so perfectly, Iron Butterfly. Thank you. For Lynn34, at the beginning of the arc, Our kids have expressed such dire, minute to minute needs that we have come to believe that if we do not respond correctly, minute to minute, that it will be certain disaster. Your daughter "going sideways" as you say, may feel like that disaster. But it's probably not. First of all, even if she's not overreacting out of habit, they are just feelings. It is harder for us to live with our child feeling bad feelings sometimes, than for us to feel them first hand. But think about when you do have terrible sadness or anger -- it is awful. But it is not intolerable. It may not be intolerable for her either, even if she is acting out. That might just be her method. But it also might just be the method she's become accustomed to. If she is actually the ticking time bomb she presents herself to be, then she needs more help than you can provide, anyway. She would be more like a patient -- in need of professional help. Neither scenario gives you much choice about what you can or should do. To become stable, she needs treatment and/or to grow up. So you're right back to how you can force those things. Whatever you do or say, she will rain down the backlash. That doesn't make it any less necessary. We can't condition making the right decisions on them "buying in." We would hope they do -- but we are the adults for a reason. You asked how to start. Take a breath and a break. Truly depressed/anxious people might be self destructive at times, but they don't usually wave around a grenade and make their loved ones responsible for keeping in the pin. [/QUOTE]
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