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<blockquote data-quote="sadandfrustrated" data-source="post: 668688" data-attributes="member: 19612"><p>Emotional blackmail.. I'm glad you brought that up. He tries that but I didn't recognize it for what it was at first. Now that I think about it, he only does it when we say no to him. At first it was daddy issues.. daddy loved other son from first marriage more than him and honestly, I felt the same way so I'd overcompensate by buying him things, and giving him money . That went on for years since he's been little.</p><p></p><p>I really thought we were getting to the root of my son's problems and felt good that he was finally getting this out in the open. I do think he does have dad issues but that argument only surfaces when I say no to him. I see now he's just using that to manipulate me.</p><p></p><p>When I started saying no and the daddy issues argument didn't work, he tried other things.. crying, whining, anger, threatening suicide, threatening to disappear forever in 2 days.. Talk about bad mothers.. I was really hoping he would disappear but that was weeks ago and he's still here.</p><p></p><p>I gave in this morning and 'lent' him $20.00 so he could buy a soda and a pack of cigarettes. I didn't tell my husband though because I'd never hear the end of it. I know my giving in isn't helping, but I can't deal with all this stress of trying to keep things calm here. I can't deal with my husband who blames me for overcompensating, my other son who always was and still is an angry loud person, and the troubled son. I find myself reaching for the valium more often. The angry son is only here because he's got custody of my grandson and he's away working a lot so I care for my grandson. Otherwise, that son would have been out the door long ago.</p><p>I don't go to a group, but my husband does and he tells me what 'they' call me there. Apparently, I'm known as the 'weaker' parent and they give him advice on how to deal with me..and that pisses me off to no end because I don't like being discussed when I'm not there to defend myself. He always comes home from that group like he's got all the answers and I'm the idiot. I'm not stupid. I know my son needs help and the only way he'll hopefully get his act together is to be forced to either sink or swim and go to rehab, but the real crux of the matter is I need help too. I wish my husband would be honest with his group buddies and tell them that he's the one who's dumping the problem son in my lap just like he does with everything else he chooses not to deal with.. He claims its my fault because I babied my son when he was little so therefore I created this so I have to deal with it.</p><p>My husband keeps telling me 'YOU have to tell him to get out'.. or YOU have to make him go to rehab;... I reminded him that he's OUR son and that we have to present a united front and he gave me his usual excuse that he uses for everything he dumps on me.. well, he has no time because he works so much to pay for this big expensive house and the bills.. etc, etc. I'd gladly get a job but according to husband we cant' afford to get me a car and there's no public transportation where we live and he works shift work and forced overtime so I never know when I'll have the car. I have to ask him for money when I need it, and I friggin resent that so much because I raised 3 kids by myself for years before I married him and gave up my job at his insistence to work for a home based business he started.. So, it's not like I'm sitting on my arse all day eating Bon Bon's. I don't get paid though. The best is he'll want to know what I did with the money he gave me like 2 weeks ago or something. I don't remember. I only buy groceries. I never go out.. We never go out together either for fun. I really do hate the way I'm living if you can call it that. I don't think he realizes it, but it's all about control with him and I'm tired of it. We' have money. He just doesn't want to give me that freedom.</p><p>Good lord, I kinda got way off track there, didn't I?</p><p></p><p> The other day I think I seriously may have had a nervous breakdown. Somebody said something.. I don't even remember what it was, but I flipped. I said I can't live like this anymore. I got up and swiped everything that was on the table onto the floor, threw my dinner across the room, hit the chandelier with it. Smashed plates against the wall. I was a crazy person at that moment. I just lost it, and that's so not me. I'm just glad my grandson wasn't here to see that. Angry son actually cleaned up the mess. I think my flip out scared the hell out of him.</p><p></p><p></p><p> Honestly, I wish they'd all leave. The door alarms should arrive by tomorrow and I'll figure out a plan then. Right now I can't explain how I feel. I'm sort of in like a fog. There's just too much to deal with and I can't think straight.</p><p></p><p>You poor people.. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> You just got 30 some odd years of pent up frustration and anger that I've been holding in for that long in my post.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="sadandfrustrated, post: 668688, member: 19612"] Emotional blackmail.. I'm glad you brought that up. He tries that but I didn't recognize it for what it was at first. Now that I think about it, he only does it when we say no to him. At first it was daddy issues.. daddy loved other son from first marriage more than him and honestly, I felt the same way so I'd overcompensate by buying him things, and giving him money . That went on for years since he's been little. I really thought we were getting to the root of my son's problems and felt good that he was finally getting this out in the open. I do think he does have dad issues but that argument only surfaces when I say no to him. I see now he's just using that to manipulate me. When I started saying no and the daddy issues argument didn't work, he tried other things.. crying, whining, anger, threatening suicide, threatening to disappear forever in 2 days.. Talk about bad mothers.. I was really hoping he would disappear but that was weeks ago and he's still here. I gave in this morning and 'lent' him $20.00 so he could buy a soda and a pack of cigarettes. I didn't tell my husband though because I'd never hear the end of it. I know my giving in isn't helping, but I can't deal with all this stress of trying to keep things calm here. I can't deal with my husband who blames me for overcompensating, my other son who always was and still is an angry loud person, and the troubled son. I find myself reaching for the valium more often. The angry son is only here because he's got custody of my grandson and he's away working a lot so I care for my grandson. Otherwise, that son would have been out the door long ago. I don't go to a group, but my husband does and he tells me what 'they' call me there. Apparently, I'm known as the 'weaker' parent and they give him advice on how to deal with me..and that pisses me off to no end because I don't like being discussed when I'm not there to defend myself. He always comes home from that group like he's got all the answers and I'm the idiot. I'm not stupid. I know my son needs help and the only way he'll hopefully get his act together is to be forced to either sink or swim and go to rehab, but the real crux of the matter is I need help too. I wish my husband would be honest with his group buddies and tell them that he's the one who's dumping the problem son in my lap just like he does with everything else he chooses not to deal with.. He claims its my fault because I babied my son when he was little so therefore I created this so I have to deal with it. My husband keeps telling me 'YOU have to tell him to get out'.. or YOU have to make him go to rehab;... I reminded him that he's OUR son and that we have to present a united front and he gave me his usual excuse that he uses for everything he dumps on me.. well, he has no time because he works so much to pay for this big expensive house and the bills.. etc, etc. I'd gladly get a job but according to husband we cant' afford to get me a car and there's no public transportation where we live and he works shift work and forced overtime so I never know when I'll have the car. I have to ask him for money when I need it, and I friggin resent that so much because I raised 3 kids by myself for years before I married him and gave up my job at his insistence to work for a home based business he started.. So, it's not like I'm sitting on my arse all day eating Bon Bon's. I don't get paid though. The best is he'll want to know what I did with the money he gave me like 2 weeks ago or something. I don't remember. I only buy groceries. I never go out.. We never go out together either for fun. I really do hate the way I'm living if you can call it that. I don't think he realizes it, but it's all about control with him and I'm tired of it. We' have money. He just doesn't want to give me that freedom. Good lord, I kinda got way off track there, didn't I? The other day I think I seriously may have had a nervous breakdown. Somebody said something.. I don't even remember what it was, but I flipped. I said I can't live like this anymore. I got up and swiped everything that was on the table onto the floor, threw my dinner across the room, hit the chandelier with it. Smashed plates against the wall. I was a crazy person at that moment. I just lost it, and that's so not me. I'm just glad my grandson wasn't here to see that. Angry son actually cleaned up the mess. I think my flip out scared the hell out of him. Honestly, I wish they'd all leave. The door alarms should arrive by tomorrow and I'll figure out a plan then. Right now I can't explain how I feel. I'm sort of in like a fog. There's just too much to deal with and I can't think straight. You poor people.. :) You just got 30 some odd years of pent up frustration and anger that I've been holding in for that long in my post. [/QUOTE]
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