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I Don't Know How To Talk To My Difficult Child...
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<blockquote data-quote="DazedandConfused" data-source="post: 715348" data-attributes="member: 831"><p>Hi mamato3, </p><p></p><p>Did you know that it's my fault that my son doesn't have his driver's license? According to HIM that is the case because I won't let him drive my car! Let us not mention that he hasn't bothered to pass, let alone take, the test required to get his learner's permit. Apparently, I have amazing mental abilities that control his ability to study and then take the bus to DMV to take the test! I can assure you that if I had such amaziing powers, he would have graduated college, gotten a job which would have him self-supporting, and best of all, move out on his own! </p><p></p><p>What I think is truly going on is that his severe anxiety keeps him from getting his DL. He takes the bus to get back and forth to work and otherwise gets rides when necessary. I think he's frightened of driving but because his friends drive, he feels like an oddball. </p><p></p><p>So, while I think you handled yourself pretty darn well with the cheese dip, I would have responded with a calm "Yes, and this fight would have not happened if you hadn't thrown it on the floor in the first place. Your disrespect towards me, in my home, is noted and not appreciated. You have my permission to act like an adult" That he picked up the can later indicates it is him that is controlling. He also attempts to use the relationships with your other children as a weapon of manipulation and control. Don't let him. </p><p></p><p>I informed my own son about a year ago that I didn't give a rat's patootie about any of his opinions regarding MY actions and MY relationships with other people including other family members. This includes what he claims are their opinions about me and anything that I do (Which are always highly negative and disapproving). I was calm, but very pointed and direct. "Got that??" is generally how I end any statement where I am taking a stand on his behavior towards me. If he argues or gives me some other sort of bluster, I say, "I'm happy to repeat anything you might not have heard clearly. I will not, however, justify or negotiate my stance with you in any way. Understood?" Generally, this is where it ends. If he wants to argue, I will say, "This conversation is over." and either ignore him or walk out of the room. </p><p></p><p>The barb about money made me chuckle a bit. How you cann repond is to agree with him in part. Example, "Yes, I do care about money, but it's not ALL I care about. When I loan money, I expect payment when on the agreed upon date. Otherwise, I will no longer loan money, understood?" Then, end the conversation. No negotiation. That's your stance. The end. I loaned Son $20 until he gets paid this week, he knows I'll stop if he doesn't pay me back on the agreed upon date. This reminds me of when Son was a teen and he would claim that, "Everyone hates you and my friends think you're crazy!" when he was mad at me. I would then calmly start naming people I knew for a fact didn't "hate" me, my mom, my husband, this friend, that friend, colleagues, etc. The last time he told me his friends think I'm crazy, I told him with a side glance and a sly smile, "Yeahhh, maybe I am. Better be careful around me. I'm HIGHLY unpredictable!". That's the last time he said THAT to me. As to his claim you just want to take his money, you can simply tell him you are just fine with him taking his money and his self out the door where they can be together and live happily ever after. I said just this to Son the other day when he became offended when I asked about where his money is going that he would need a loan. </p><p></p><p>So, detaching and not caring what he believes and thinks and making it real clear to him that is the case from now on might be a good place for you to start living in your head.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DazedandConfused, post: 715348, member: 831"] Hi mamato3, Did you know that it's my fault that my son doesn't have his driver's license? According to HIM that is the case because I won't let him drive my car! Let us not mention that he hasn't bothered to pass, let alone take, the test required to get his learner's permit. Apparently, I have amazing mental abilities that control his ability to study and then take the bus to DMV to take the test! I can assure you that if I had such amaziing powers, he would have graduated college, gotten a job which would have him self-supporting, and best of all, move out on his own! What I think is truly going on is that his severe anxiety keeps him from getting his DL. He takes the bus to get back and forth to work and otherwise gets rides when necessary. I think he's frightened of driving but because his friends drive, he feels like an oddball. So, while I think you handled yourself pretty darn well with the cheese dip, I would have responded with a calm "Yes, and this fight would have not happened if you hadn't thrown it on the floor in the first place. Your disrespect towards me, in my home, is noted and not appreciated. You have my permission to act like an adult" That he picked up the can later indicates it is him that is controlling. He also attempts to use the relationships with your other children as a weapon of manipulation and control. Don't let him. I informed my own son about a year ago that I didn't give a rat's patootie about any of his opinions regarding MY actions and MY relationships with other people including other family members. This includes what he claims are their opinions about me and anything that I do (Which are always highly negative and disapproving). I was calm, but very pointed and direct. "Got that??" is generally how I end any statement where I am taking a stand on his behavior towards me. If he argues or gives me some other sort of bluster, I say, "I'm happy to repeat anything you might not have heard clearly. I will not, however, justify or negotiate my stance with you in any way. Understood?" Generally, this is where it ends. If he wants to argue, I will say, "This conversation is over." and either ignore him or walk out of the room. The barb about money made me chuckle a bit. How you cann repond is to agree with him in part. Example, "Yes, I do care about money, but it's not ALL I care about. When I loan money, I expect payment when on the agreed upon date. Otherwise, I will no longer loan money, understood?" Then, end the conversation. No negotiation. That's your stance. The end. I loaned Son $20 until he gets paid this week, he knows I'll stop if he doesn't pay me back on the agreed upon date. This reminds me of when Son was a teen and he would claim that, "Everyone hates you and my friends think you're crazy!" when he was mad at me. I would then calmly start naming people I knew for a fact didn't "hate" me, my mom, my husband, this friend, that friend, colleagues, etc. The last time he told me his friends think I'm crazy, I told him with a side glance and a sly smile, "Yeahhh, maybe I am. Better be careful around me. I'm HIGHLY unpredictable!". That's the last time he said THAT to me. As to his claim you just want to take his money, you can simply tell him you are just fine with him taking his money and his self out the door where they can be together and live happily ever after. I said just this to Son the other day when he became offended when I asked about where his money is going that he would need a loan. So, detaching and not caring what he believes and thinks and making it real clear to him that is the case from now on might be a good place for you to start living in your head. [/QUOTE]
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