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I don't know what I am doing...is it right?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 442311" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi bex, </p><p></p><p>Welcome to the board, and glad you found a safe/soft place to land. </p><p></p><p></p><p>Well - I see a lot of things going on here with your son. And while you don't 'know' me? A lot of things that you say may or may not be what they seem. Without knowing you and your son, your history it's kinda hard to play helper, but just from the little bit you've told us - I'm going to give it a stab from a friends point of view. Don't let it make ya mad or defensive - that's not what we're here for at all. This place is all about helping. If I get it wrong - just come and say NOooooope. Then you and I will regroup and go from there - As of right now? I onlly have what you've posted and my thinking between the lines, raising boys, and years of idiot ex husband to go on with kids who just really never understood and girlfriends who liked to jump in and sabatoge the entire thing with their opinions (Thank you very much NO) like Daisy said - this is none of her business as MUCh as she wants to help - she really needs to back off. Friends or not - this is just complicating an already complicated situation and trust me - your son will appreciate her keeping her nose out of YOUR business. Right now however - he has a MAJOR bully complex and well- to be frank - anyone older, bolder - and louder? He's going to shut down - she's all of those. So he's not going to challenge her - he's just going to internalize what he feels about her and anger internalized is depression. Again - not helping. </p><p></p><p>Secondly? He's P.O.d. He's really angry about a LOT of things in his life. Oh and who is he gonna tell? YOU ? Pft.....nah. Not gonna happen. Don't try, don't beg - give it up. You and him - besties? Right? yeah - well NOT now. He's an 18 year old boy and you and him have been you and him against the world and it SEEMS like besties - but RIGHT NOW? He needs someone besides YOU to talk to about the anger and YOU can't mention it at ALL. NOT.ONE.WORD. But that's why he's leaving. YUP. he's trying really hard NOT to blow up - So where does he get help? I'm thinking he probably went to the shelter because if your girlfriend is living there with you (for whatever reason) He's angry about it. He's not over his Dad and your marriage /divorce - and hey - lemme tell ya - it was a bad marriage for YOU-----but that was HIS Daddy. Yeah you can't talk to him about THAT either. The sun rises and sets on a boys Father. When does he figure out that the man is Satan incarnate? Ugh - (laughs) Well my jury is kinda still out on that one - but you can't say a word to him - something he has to figure out on his own. Therapy would help, a buddy a good one - a mentor would help your son tremendously. Someone that he knew would have his back. A grandpa, an uncle? Someone that would NOT buy his load of poo. I'm 18 I can sleep in, I'm being picked on, I'm lazy....He needs someone to kick his butt - and it has to be a dude. A guy that will take him and do GUY things with him - and YOU butt out of it. Not ask questions, not be in the middle of it - just let it be. And it has to happen more than once a week. </p><p></p><p>I'm wondering if there is a big brothers program or a YAPS (youth advocate program) or at the least maybe a volunteer program with peace corps or something he's REALLY interested in? He needs a man mentor that will take an interest in him help him with his self esteem issues keep him busy - keep his hands busy, make him feel like his days are not wasted...keep his mind occupied. I bet he is incredibly talented at something - what? Is there a chance that you can get him to go to therapy? Anger management? The reason I say that is because of the cutting. He needs to learn better ways to control his rage - new techniques ----how about a gym membership or tae kwon do where he is learning self discipline with a sensai? Boxing? Working in a gym with a coach? How about a YMCA membership? </p><p></p><p>Those are things that YOU can find out about for him and casually take him to for a free lesson or two - and see if there is any interest - work something out with the coach without the kid knowing. maybe trade out cleaning up around one of the places for lessons...let him ride a bike there......</p><p></p><p>He needs some sort of schedule in his life - some outlet .......and while I believe that he needs a job where he is earning money - and NOTHING is coming from you unless he works for it? Right now? I think he has bigger issues. Anger - self-esteem....lots of things. </p><p></p><p>These like I said - are just MY opinions - and again - DO NOT discuss these with him or your girlfriend or anywhere he can hear them ----the absolute best thing? Therapy. If he won't go - YOU go. Show him that there is nothing to be ashamed of by going yourself and after a few sessions - invite him to go - you said yourself if you ask him he'll do practically anything for you - so why not this? </p><p></p><p>I'm with the others on moving back into OUR home with rules etc -but what you have GOT to stop doing is feeling sorry for him - HE knows you do. He had a crappy dad, he's had a crappy life. He's had a sad little this, a sad that - I want it to be good for him. Yeah? Well LOTS of kids have had it worse. What about them?????? WE all have choices....Lots of kids have had it WAY worse and have done fine in life - really. You feel sorry for him? Why shouldn't he? You want him to be SOMEONE? Something? You start showing him that YOU EXPECT MORE OUT OF HIM!!!!!!!! HE has to see that FROM YOU!!!!! And you have to start SHOWING HIM - THAT YOU ----are doing and showing him HOW to expect more out of your own life even though life handed you a basket of poo. Yup - I had a rotten husband that was a poor example for you - SO I EXPECT MORE OUT OF YOU - I'm NOT A POOR EXAMPLE FOR YOU!!!!! You've had a hard life - and people get a little bullying with you sometimes - YUP - BUT WE HAVE WEATHERED SOME PRETTY TOUGH JUNK THAT MOST PEOPLE HAVEN'T HAD TO - and LOOK AT US - JUST LOOK AT US!!!!!! YOU AND I ARE TOUGH....people who say things have NO idea the stuff we've survived - let them say what they want - If we can live through that - WE CAN DO ANYTHING.....</p><p></p><p>I mean - you will find your own way to get through to him - But don't let him get on the USS Pity boat. I told my kid - if that's the ship he wanted to sail? Weigh anchor - I wasn't stopping him - but I was hoisting sails to bluer waters. And his biofather absolutely positively qualifies for never getting Father of the year - and I think after a year and a half of seeking out that wisdom? he's figured it out. But you just have to let them do that sometimes. </p><p></p><p>Anger management is good too - not necessarily the same as therapy and sometimes a lot easier to talk an 18 year old into attending than regular therapy - FYI. </p><p></p><p>Hope something in this helps you and him. </p><p></p><p>Welcome - and no offense to girlfriend NO doubt she cares about you and your welfare very very much - this is just one of those things where she's going to need to love you and him from a distance and let you work this out with your son. </p><p></p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 442311, member: 4964"] Hi bex, Welcome to the board, and glad you found a safe/soft place to land. Well - I see a lot of things going on here with your son. And while you don't 'know' me? A lot of things that you say may or may not be what they seem. Without knowing you and your son, your history it's kinda hard to play helper, but just from the little bit you've told us - I'm going to give it a stab from a friends point of view. Don't let it make ya mad or defensive - that's not what we're here for at all. This place is all about helping. If I get it wrong - just come and say NOooooope. Then you and I will regroup and go from there - As of right now? I onlly have what you've posted and my thinking between the lines, raising boys, and years of idiot ex husband to go on with kids who just really never understood and girlfriends who liked to jump in and sabatoge the entire thing with their opinions (Thank you very much NO) like Daisy said - this is none of her business as MUCh as she wants to help - she really needs to back off. Friends or not - this is just complicating an already complicated situation and trust me - your son will appreciate her keeping her nose out of YOUR business. Right now however - he has a MAJOR bully complex and well- to be frank - anyone older, bolder - and louder? He's going to shut down - she's all of those. So he's not going to challenge her - he's just going to internalize what he feels about her and anger internalized is depression. Again - not helping. Secondly? He's P.O.d. He's really angry about a LOT of things in his life. Oh and who is he gonna tell? YOU ? Pft.....nah. Not gonna happen. Don't try, don't beg - give it up. You and him - besties? Right? yeah - well NOT now. He's an 18 year old boy and you and him have been you and him against the world and it SEEMS like besties - but RIGHT NOW? He needs someone besides YOU to talk to about the anger and YOU can't mention it at ALL. NOT.ONE.WORD. But that's why he's leaving. YUP. he's trying really hard NOT to blow up - So where does he get help? I'm thinking he probably went to the shelter because if your girlfriend is living there with you (for whatever reason) He's angry about it. He's not over his Dad and your marriage /divorce - and hey - lemme tell ya - it was a bad marriage for YOU-----but that was HIS Daddy. Yeah you can't talk to him about THAT either. The sun rises and sets on a boys Father. When does he figure out that the man is Satan incarnate? Ugh - (laughs) Well my jury is kinda still out on that one - but you can't say a word to him - something he has to figure out on his own. Therapy would help, a buddy a good one - a mentor would help your son tremendously. Someone that he knew would have his back. A grandpa, an uncle? Someone that would NOT buy his load of poo. I'm 18 I can sleep in, I'm being picked on, I'm lazy....He needs someone to kick his butt - and it has to be a dude. A guy that will take him and do GUY things with him - and YOU butt out of it. Not ask questions, not be in the middle of it - just let it be. And it has to happen more than once a week. I'm wondering if there is a big brothers program or a YAPS (youth advocate program) or at the least maybe a volunteer program with peace corps or something he's REALLY interested in? He needs a man mentor that will take an interest in him help him with his self esteem issues keep him busy - keep his hands busy, make him feel like his days are not wasted...keep his mind occupied. I bet he is incredibly talented at something - what? Is there a chance that you can get him to go to therapy? Anger management? The reason I say that is because of the cutting. He needs to learn better ways to control his rage - new techniques ----how about a gym membership or tae kwon do where he is learning self discipline with a sensai? Boxing? Working in a gym with a coach? How about a YMCA membership? Those are things that YOU can find out about for him and casually take him to for a free lesson or two - and see if there is any interest - work something out with the coach without the kid knowing. maybe trade out cleaning up around one of the places for lessons...let him ride a bike there...... He needs some sort of schedule in his life - some outlet .......and while I believe that he needs a job where he is earning money - and NOTHING is coming from you unless he works for it? Right now? I think he has bigger issues. Anger - self-esteem....lots of things. These like I said - are just MY opinions - and again - DO NOT discuss these with him or your girlfriend or anywhere he can hear them ----the absolute best thing? Therapy. If he won't go - YOU go. Show him that there is nothing to be ashamed of by going yourself and after a few sessions - invite him to go - you said yourself if you ask him he'll do practically anything for you - so why not this? I'm with the others on moving back into OUR home with rules etc -but what you have GOT to stop doing is feeling sorry for him - HE knows you do. He had a crappy dad, he's had a crappy life. He's had a sad little this, a sad that - I want it to be good for him. Yeah? Well LOTS of kids have had it worse. What about them?????? WE all have choices....Lots of kids have had it WAY worse and have done fine in life - really. You feel sorry for him? Why shouldn't he? You want him to be SOMEONE? Something? You start showing him that YOU EXPECT MORE OUT OF HIM!!!!!!!! HE has to see that FROM YOU!!!!! And you have to start SHOWING HIM - THAT YOU ----are doing and showing him HOW to expect more out of your own life even though life handed you a basket of poo. Yup - I had a rotten husband that was a poor example for you - SO I EXPECT MORE OUT OF YOU - I'm NOT A POOR EXAMPLE FOR YOU!!!!! You've had a hard life - and people get a little bullying with you sometimes - YUP - BUT WE HAVE WEATHERED SOME PRETTY TOUGH JUNK THAT MOST PEOPLE HAVEN'T HAD TO - and LOOK AT US - JUST LOOK AT US!!!!!! YOU AND I ARE TOUGH....people who say things have NO idea the stuff we've survived - let them say what they want - If we can live through that - WE CAN DO ANYTHING..... I mean - you will find your own way to get through to him - But don't let him get on the USS Pity boat. I told my kid - if that's the ship he wanted to sail? Weigh anchor - I wasn't stopping him - but I was hoisting sails to bluer waters. And his biofather absolutely positively qualifies for never getting Father of the year - and I think after a year and a half of seeking out that wisdom? he's figured it out. But you just have to let them do that sometimes. Anger management is good too - not necessarily the same as therapy and sometimes a lot easier to talk an 18 year old into attending than regular therapy - FYI. Hope something in this helps you and him. Welcome - and no offense to girlfriend NO doubt she cares about you and your welfare very very much - this is just one of those things where she's going to need to love you and him from a distance and let you work this out with your son. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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