Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I Feel Like a Loser
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 600212" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>I think things like this happen in every family, Mechdonna. The difference, as I see it, is in how the family members react to the news. In dysfunctional families, the news that one of the children has fallen, that one of the families in the Family is off balance and in excruciating pain is seen as an opportunity for the other families in the Family to move up. The attitude then will be one of contempt and justified/justifiable separation. </p><p></p><p>And even, as the separated part continues to weaken, continues to be vulnerable...isolation.</p><p></p><p>There will be isolation of the difficult child family, because the larger Family is too unhealthy to respond in a healing or strengthening way. Being injured, showing vulnerability in a dysfunctional family is like bleeding into shark infested waters.</p><p></p><p>Feeding frenzy.</p><p></p><p>We have to understand the dynamic behind the dysfunctions in our families to survive it. Even so, it is a hard and hurtful thing.</p><p></p><p>If this is happening to you now though? You probably have had to be very, very careful not to show vulnerability all your life, Mechdonna. </p><p></p><p>The slyly unspoken questions will be, "You never know, do you. Everything looked so good. Wonder what really happens behind closed doors." </p><p></p><p>In healthy families (which mine is not, by the way ~ which is how I know all this stuff) the feeling is more like one of those old westerns. When something threatens any one of the wagons ~ broken wheel, enemy attack, wild animals trailing the wagon train ~ they stop, form a circle with every wagon facing outward for defense. Inside the circle, where it is safe, the problem is identified and dealt with before the entire wagon train, healthy again, moves on.</p><p></p><p>Or, imagine the way a herd of buffalo form a circle, each huge set of horns facing outward and all vulnerable members in the center of the circle.</p><p></p><p>That is the way a healthy family functions.</p><p></p><p>It sounds to me like it is pretty important to your sister that you know how much money she makes per hour. That would be an indication of dysfunction, of one upmanship, right there.</p><p></p><p>I'm just sayin'. :O)</p><p></p><p>Life has a way of bringing our lessons to all of us, Mechdonna. Your sister's will come. I am sorry this is happening to you, and to me, and to all of us. You must have been the responsible sister, the stable and loving one. Injured, vulnerable now, there are going to be people who take potshots at you, who look down on you now because they can. Truly? Those of us with difficult child children are vulnerable in a way we never dreamed would happen to us in a million years. Unless I am mistaken, most of us have been secretly proud of our parenting skills, before all this happened.</p><p></p><p>I certainly was ~ arrogant, really. One of those know-it-all moms. :O( </p><p></p><p>Heh.</p><p></p><p>That certainly has changed.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry for the sting of it? </p><p></p><p>But these people truly are so little in the scheme of things. A decent person, a true sister, would have responded differently. I'm sure other things have happened, too, with this sister that didn't sit just right. My sister celebrates what has happened to my children, because it makes hers look better. </p><p></p><p>Well, one of them, anyway. :O) </p><p></p><p>I concluded that I will do the decent things, the right things as I see them, where my extended family is concerned. Once you see the dysfunction there, Mechdonna? You might still feel hurt? But you will feel more compassion and frustration that the family dynamic is so pointlessly cruel than you will shame or anger at everything you needed from your extended family and didn't get ~ or even worse, at the nasty, cutting emotional reality you did get.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p><p></p><p>P.S. I would love to spend beach time in Florida with you, Mechdonna. Imagine a trip where the parents here come together and teach and learn and heal and grow from spending face to face time together. Now, THAT would be a trip to mourn losing. I think your sister is laughing up her sleeve at your misfortune. But here's the thing: What kind of person DOES that?!?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 600212, member: 1721"] I think things like this happen in every family, Mechdonna. The difference, as I see it, is in how the family members react to the news. In dysfunctional families, the news that one of the children has fallen, that one of the families in the Family is off balance and in excruciating pain is seen as an opportunity for the other families in the Family to move up. The attitude then will be one of contempt and justified/justifiable separation. And even, as the separated part continues to weaken, continues to be vulnerable...isolation. There will be isolation of the difficult child family, because the larger Family is too unhealthy to respond in a healing or strengthening way. Being injured, showing vulnerability in a dysfunctional family is like bleeding into shark infested waters. Feeding frenzy. We have to understand the dynamic behind the dysfunctions in our families to survive it. Even so, it is a hard and hurtful thing. If this is happening to you now though? You probably have had to be very, very careful not to show vulnerability all your life, Mechdonna. The slyly unspoken questions will be, "You never know, do you. Everything looked so good. Wonder what really happens behind closed doors." In healthy families (which mine is not, by the way ~ which is how I know all this stuff) the feeling is more like one of those old westerns. When something threatens any one of the wagons ~ broken wheel, enemy attack, wild animals trailing the wagon train ~ they stop, form a circle with every wagon facing outward for defense. Inside the circle, where it is safe, the problem is identified and dealt with before the entire wagon train, healthy again, moves on. Or, imagine the way a herd of buffalo form a circle, each huge set of horns facing outward and all vulnerable members in the center of the circle. That is the way a healthy family functions. It sounds to me like it is pretty important to your sister that you know how much money she makes per hour. That would be an indication of dysfunction, of one upmanship, right there. I'm just sayin'. :O) Life has a way of bringing our lessons to all of us, Mechdonna. Your sister's will come. I am sorry this is happening to you, and to me, and to all of us. You must have been the responsible sister, the stable and loving one. Injured, vulnerable now, there are going to be people who take potshots at you, who look down on you now because they can. Truly? Those of us with difficult child children are vulnerable in a way we never dreamed would happen to us in a million years. Unless I am mistaken, most of us have been secretly proud of our parenting skills, before all this happened. I certainly was ~ arrogant, really. One of those know-it-all moms. :O( Heh. That certainly has changed. I'm sorry for the sting of it? But these people truly are so little in the scheme of things. A decent person, a true sister, would have responded differently. I'm sure other things have happened, too, with this sister that didn't sit just right. My sister celebrates what has happened to my children, because it makes hers look better. Well, one of them, anyway. :O) I concluded that I will do the decent things, the right things as I see them, where my extended family is concerned. Once you see the dysfunction there, Mechdonna? You might still feel hurt? But you will feel more compassion and frustration that the family dynamic is so pointlessly cruel than you will shame or anger at everything you needed from your extended family and didn't get ~ or even worse, at the nasty, cutting emotional reality you did get. Barbara P.S. I would love to spend beach time in Florida with you, Mechdonna. Imagine a trip where the parents here come together and teach and learn and heal and grow from spending face to face time together. Now, THAT would be a trip to mourn losing. I think your sister is laughing up her sleeve at your misfortune. But here's the thing: What kind of person DOES that?!? [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I Feel Like a Loser
Top