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I feel like an island...(long)
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 142714" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You should be able to install a lock on the phone. There are gadgets you can get which will make it possible to keep the phone locked - only incoming calls can be answered - so she can't use the house phone to call her grandmother. And if grandma gives her a mobile phone, confiscate it.</p><p></p><p>As for husband - my best friend's father was like this. He would make 'jokes' that were sometimes quite hurtful but when you got upset with him he would get offended and say, "But I was only joking..."</p><p></p><p>It's not funny. My gentlest response is a stony-faced, "Do you see me laughing?"</p><p></p><p>I keep encountering people who do this, including close family members who keep teasing difficult child 3, even after they're told not to because he doesn't understand and will take it to heart - and they reply with, "I'm only joking," or "I'm only teasing." Such a response is undermining, it's almost defiant in the way they try to insist that no matter what I will say they will go on doing what THEY want.</p><p></p><p>I've worked with men who told sexist jokes (often ones implying that a battered and sexually abused woman secretly enjoyed it and sought it out); if any woman objected to the sexist jokes they got a response of "Typical woman - can't take a joke."</p><p></p><p>I fought it by telling them sexist jokes against men (I hunted around to find really offensive ones) so when they objected I could say, "Typical blokes - no sense of humour." And THEN I followed with, "You dish it out but you can't take it - let's agree to permanently drop all bad taste jokes."</p><p></p><p>You can try fighting fire with fire, but I suspect it wouldn't work with your husband because he would come back to you and say, "But you do it too."</p><p></p><p>Instead of showing tears (which most men misunderstand anyway) get angry. They understand anger. Or in church, an elbow in the ribs is usually sufficient. He's your husband (allegedly) so he should show a bit more compassion. Tell him (afterwards, if you must wait) that it was NOT funny in the slightest, it was very hurtful and you didn't appreciate it.</p><p></p><p>To many men, tears are either a woman's attempt to be manipulative, or are a sign that he is stronger and more powerful and therefore it boosts his ego ("Oh, good, I just succeeded in winning another round with her"). Tears put you on the back foot. He won't get the message.</p><p></p><p>But anger? It's healthier for you than tears (in this case) because it makes you feel as if you are accomplishing something and making yourself heard. It might help you more to get the message through. </p><p></p><p>Only insecure people and cowards use the "I was only joking" as a fall-back line when they realise, belatedly, that they said the wrong thing. Some people hold that phrase in reserve as a way of allowing themselves to be 'naughty' and say the hurtful things they want to say. Sometimes they are merely behaving like spoilt brats but keeping that phrase at the ready in case they get called on it. And as I said before, the phrase is also a way of saying, "I'm going to keep right on behaving like this, because rather than accepting responsibility for what I say, I'm instead going to blame you by declaring you have no sense of humour."</p><p></p><p>It is NOT just a foot-in-mouth problem, this is a form of subtle and vindictive bullying, masquerading as jesting.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 142714, member: 1991"] You should be able to install a lock on the phone. There are gadgets you can get which will make it possible to keep the phone locked - only incoming calls can be answered - so she can't use the house phone to call her grandmother. And if grandma gives her a mobile phone, confiscate it. As for husband - my best friend's father was like this. He would make 'jokes' that were sometimes quite hurtful but when you got upset with him he would get offended and say, "But I was only joking..." It's not funny. My gentlest response is a stony-faced, "Do you see me laughing?" I keep encountering people who do this, including close family members who keep teasing difficult child 3, even after they're told not to because he doesn't understand and will take it to heart - and they reply with, "I'm only joking," or "I'm only teasing." Such a response is undermining, it's almost defiant in the way they try to insist that no matter what I will say they will go on doing what THEY want. I've worked with men who told sexist jokes (often ones implying that a battered and sexually abused woman secretly enjoyed it and sought it out); if any woman objected to the sexist jokes they got a response of "Typical woman - can't take a joke." I fought it by telling them sexist jokes against men (I hunted around to find really offensive ones) so when they objected I could say, "Typical blokes - no sense of humour." And THEN I followed with, "You dish it out but you can't take it - let's agree to permanently drop all bad taste jokes." You can try fighting fire with fire, but I suspect it wouldn't work with your husband because he would come back to you and say, "But you do it too." Instead of showing tears (which most men misunderstand anyway) get angry. They understand anger. Or in church, an elbow in the ribs is usually sufficient. He's your husband (allegedly) so he should show a bit more compassion. Tell him (afterwards, if you must wait) that it was NOT funny in the slightest, it was very hurtful and you didn't appreciate it. To many men, tears are either a woman's attempt to be manipulative, or are a sign that he is stronger and more powerful and therefore it boosts his ego ("Oh, good, I just succeeded in winning another round with her"). Tears put you on the back foot. He won't get the message. But anger? It's healthier for you than tears (in this case) because it makes you feel as if you are accomplishing something and making yourself heard. It might help you more to get the message through. Only insecure people and cowards use the "I was only joking" as a fall-back line when they realise, belatedly, that they said the wrong thing. Some people hold that phrase in reserve as a way of allowing themselves to be 'naughty' and say the hurtful things they want to say. Sometimes they are merely behaving like spoilt brats but keeping that phrase at the ready in case they get called on it. And as I said before, the phrase is also a way of saying, "I'm going to keep right on behaving like this, because rather than accepting responsibility for what I say, I'm instead going to blame you by declaring you have no sense of humour." It is NOT just a foot-in-mouth problem, this is a form of subtle and vindictive bullying, masquerading as jesting. Marg [/QUOTE]
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