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I feel like I "can't" discipline my depressed teen
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 678437" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Bee,</p><p></p><p>I am glad you found us. First, here is something that you need to consider, I think. If you give in to your son, holding back your power and consequences, you face another kind of risk beyond suicide. You empower him. You risk creating a monster down the road, even more difficult to deal with for you, and harder for him too.</p><p></p><p>Many if not most of our children use threats of suicide to manipulate us. What we recommend is that every single time call the police (good that he has not done so as yet. He may up the ante. So be prepared.)That he is working and has a girlfriend are big things.</p><p></p><p>If he manages to get himself to work, he cannot be that depressed. Ditto with the girlfriend.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like he just does not much want to go to school. So he does not.</p><p>Good for you. You did the right thing.</p><p></p><p>If it were me, like you are doing, I would seriously think through the home routine, internet access, etc.</p><p></p><p>This trap, I think, is of your own creating, with a lot of help from him. I would not ask him anymore about suicide. It just empowers him, and lets him know that he can use this topic as a means of manipulating you. (You have done the right things so far. Therapist. Medication--good that he is compliant. Take any threat seriously, by calling the police. Stop talking with him about it, I think.)</p><p></p><p>Let me give you an example of how the manipulation works. My own son is rabidly against religion especially Christianity. He is homeless, or borderline so, so he knows his bread is buttered by showing well-meaning people that he is open to their ideas, so as to solicit their support. He lies and says he is "open" to believing in Jesus Christ. These kids manipulate. They use our care and concern as tools to extract what they want. They turn our care against us.</p><p></p><p>The key here may be to re-assess everything between you and the house, and to take back your power. Turn the tables on him so that you are the one who is controlling, the situation, so that you have influence by doling out what he wants.</p><p></p><p>As far as the suicide risk, I will speak to it with regards to my own son. He has told me he has made attempts. He has been hospitalized as a suicide risk several times. He receives SSI for mental illness--mood disorder. Still, I will not allow myself to be manipulated by threats of self-harm.</p><p></p><p>We cannot keep them alive. Only they can. That they may be sad does not take away their need to conduct themselves according to rules and the expectations and welfare of others.</p><p></p><p>Nobody can tell you what to do. If it were me, knowing what I know now, I would take back control over my home and my life. I would tell my son that if he is so severely troubled that suicide is in the picture, that we need to consider residential treatment. I would take him seriously and begin to research possibilities.</p><p></p><p>If his depression is so serious, he needs an IEP at school (USA) and to be considered for a non-public school placement for behaviorally and emotionally disturbed teens or a special class for Seriously Emotionally Disturbed teens. Take him seriously, that is what I would do, and insist that he (not you) experience the consequences of his choices.</p><p></p><p>In sum: He is calling the shots, it sounds like. This is not good for him. Or you. Take back control.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you found us. Keep posting. As much as you can.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 678437, member: 18958"] Hi Bee, I am glad you found us. First, here is something that you need to consider, I think. If you give in to your son, holding back your power and consequences, you face another kind of risk beyond suicide. You empower him. You risk creating a monster down the road, even more difficult to deal with for you, and harder for him too. Many if not most of our children use threats of suicide to manipulate us. What we recommend is that every single time call the police (good that he has not done so as yet. He may up the ante. So be prepared.)That he is working and has a girlfriend are big things. If he manages to get himself to work, he cannot be that depressed. Ditto with the girlfriend. It sounds like he just does not much want to go to school. So he does not. Good for you. You did the right thing. If it were me, like you are doing, I would seriously think through the home routine, internet access, etc. This trap, I think, is of your own creating, with a lot of help from him. I would not ask him anymore about suicide. It just empowers him, and lets him know that he can use this topic as a means of manipulating you. (You have done the right things so far. Therapist. Medication--good that he is compliant. Take any threat seriously, by calling the police. Stop talking with him about it, I think.) Let me give you an example of how the manipulation works. My own son is rabidly against religion especially Christianity. He is homeless, or borderline so, so he knows his bread is buttered by showing well-meaning people that he is open to their ideas, so as to solicit their support. He lies and says he is "open" to believing in Jesus Christ. These kids manipulate. They use our care and concern as tools to extract what they want. They turn our care against us. The key here may be to re-assess everything between you and the house, and to take back your power. Turn the tables on him so that you are the one who is controlling, the situation, so that you have influence by doling out what he wants. As far as the suicide risk, I will speak to it with regards to my own son. He has told me he has made attempts. He has been hospitalized as a suicide risk several times. He receives SSI for mental illness--mood disorder. Still, I will not allow myself to be manipulated by threats of self-harm. We cannot keep them alive. Only they can. That they may be sad does not take away their need to conduct themselves according to rules and the expectations and welfare of others. Nobody can tell you what to do. If it were me, knowing what I know now, I would take back control over my home and my life. I would tell my son that if he is so severely troubled that suicide is in the picture, that we need to consider residential treatment. I would take him seriously and begin to research possibilities. If his depression is so serious, he needs an IEP at school (USA) and to be considered for a non-public school placement for behaviorally and emotionally disturbed teens or a special class for Seriously Emotionally Disturbed teens. Take him seriously, that is what I would do, and insist that he (not you) experience the consequences of his choices. In sum: He is calling the shots, it sounds like. This is not good for him. Or you. Take back control. I am glad you found us. Keep posting. As much as you can. COPA [/QUOTE]
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