Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
I feel so alone
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 612502" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Did he have a lot of chaos when he was an infant/young child with maybe many caregivers? Is his bio. father perhaps like him in some ways?</p><p></p><p>I adopted an eleven year old who was a lot like your son. He sexually acted out on my younger two kids and probably a lot more kids that we never found out about. He was so dangerous that we called CPS and asked them to remove him.</p><p></p><p> It is harder for you because you raised him from birth. I don't know what made him the way he is, but he sounds like he is not safe for you or anyone to l ive with. Even though he was sexually abused, that is the norm with sexual predators. It does not make the behavior any less dangerous, because he was also abused, when he abuses others and no allowances will be made legally for that, since it is the usual that those who do it have had it done. Many who have been abused do not become predators, but your son and mine did. It is very excruciating.</p><p></p><p> Our son got intensive interventions for sexual predators and his own sexual abuse, which he repressed, and he did not change. Like your son, he was charged in a court of law for sexually assaulting a child and is supposed to sign up as a sexual predator wherever he moves, however we checked and he hasn't done it. This is a felony. He was all of thirteen when he was charged and found guilty (we did not initiate the lawsuit. The county did it on it's own). After being in a residential home for young sexual predators, he acted out there too, and was diagnosed with severe reactive attachment disorder and antisocial traits. </p><p></p><p>The healing for you has to start with your focus going back on YOU so that you can nurture and take care of yourself and move on with your life in spite of your son. You did not raise him to be the way he is and you can't help him. We are all able to help one person....us. You must have had friends/family once and there still must be things you are good at and love to do. in my opinion you need to detach from your son and move on with your own life. Your other son and your fiance need you and I know that once you get so caught up with the dysfunctional child, sometimes we have little to give to them...as well as to ourselves. This incident took us two years recovery and this child never came home again. He is still the same, I hear. </p><p></p><p>I think you'll find a lot of friends on the forum of Parent Emeritus. This is the forum for people with grown and troubled children, many in trouble with the law. This particular forum is for younger children. After eighteen, things change legally and we have options we did not have before.</p><p></p><p> Mostly all of us on that forum have had to learned how to detach and move on when our adult children were not doing well. We had to learn not to get caught up in what they were doing, because there is no point. We can't change them and everyone deserves a good life filled with love and laughter even if your children make horrible choices or are mentally ill in some way and won't or can't improve. </p><p></p><p>You matter. Your life is important outside of your son. I highly suggest starting out by reading "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. A twelve step group may help you...many of us find them useful. Families Anonymous or Codependents Anonymous are both good. So is NA and AA if your child is a substance abuser. NAMI has good classes for parents of the mentally ill and for those of us (yes, me included) who have suffered mental illness. </p><p></p><p>in my opinion it is time you take back your life before you never have one. You gave this child seventeen years and nothing changes, but you didn't put a gun to his head and make him do anything that he did. It's not your fault and it's not going to help him if YOU never experience joy and happiness again. You are right that this needs to be over and that your son has to move out. Yes, he will probably get into trouble, but you tried to help him and now it is up to him.</p><p></p><p>Big hugs and please remember that your life matters and you should try saving yourself. If you want to keep posting, you will have friends right here. Most of us on the Parent Emeritus forum have had to detach so you are not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 612502, member: 1550"] Hi there. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Did he have a lot of chaos when he was an infant/young child with maybe many caregivers? Is his bio. father perhaps like him in some ways? I adopted an eleven year old who was a lot like your son. He sexually acted out on my younger two kids and probably a lot more kids that we never found out about. He was so dangerous that we called CPS and asked them to remove him. It is harder for you because you raised him from birth. I don't know what made him the way he is, but he sounds like he is not safe for you or anyone to l ive with. Even though he was sexually abused, that is the norm with sexual predators. It does not make the behavior any less dangerous, because he was also abused, when he abuses others and no allowances will be made legally for that, since it is the usual that those who do it have had it done. Many who have been abused do not become predators, but your son and mine did. It is very excruciating. Our son got intensive interventions for sexual predators and his own sexual abuse, which he repressed, and he did not change. Like your son, he was charged in a court of law for sexually assaulting a child and is supposed to sign up as a sexual predator wherever he moves, however we checked and he hasn't done it. This is a felony. He was all of thirteen when he was charged and found guilty (we did not initiate the lawsuit. The county did it on it's own). After being in a residential home for young sexual predators, he acted out there too, and was diagnosed with severe reactive attachment disorder and antisocial traits. The healing for you has to start with your focus going back on YOU so that you can nurture and take care of yourself and move on with your life in spite of your son. You did not raise him to be the way he is and you can't help him. We are all able to help one person....us. You must have had friends/family once and there still must be things you are good at and love to do. in my opinion you need to detach from your son and move on with your own life. Your other son and your fiance need you and I know that once you get so caught up with the dysfunctional child, sometimes we have little to give to them...as well as to ourselves. This incident took us two years recovery and this child never came home again. He is still the same, I hear. I think you'll find a lot of friends on the forum of Parent Emeritus. This is the forum for people with grown and troubled children, many in trouble with the law. This particular forum is for younger children. After eighteen, things change legally and we have options we did not have before. Mostly all of us on that forum have had to learned how to detach and move on when our adult children were not doing well. We had to learn not to get caught up in what they were doing, because there is no point. We can't change them and everyone deserves a good life filled with love and laughter even if your children make horrible choices or are mentally ill in some way and won't or can't improve. You matter. Your life is important outside of your son. I highly suggest starting out by reading "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. A twelve step group may help you...many of us find them useful. Families Anonymous or Codependents Anonymous are both good. So is NA and AA if your child is a substance abuser. NAMI has good classes for parents of the mentally ill and for those of us (yes, me included) who have suffered mental illness. in my opinion it is time you take back your life before you never have one. You gave this child seventeen years and nothing changes, but you didn't put a gun to his head and make him do anything that he did. It's not your fault and it's not going to help him if YOU never experience joy and happiness again. You are right that this needs to be over and that your son has to move out. Yes, he will probably get into trouble, but you tried to help him and now it is up to him. Big hugs and please remember that your life matters and you should try saving yourself. If you want to keep posting, you will have friends right here. Most of us on the Parent Emeritus forum have had to detach so you are not alone. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
I feel so alone
Top