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I feel so alone
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 612505" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Hello. Thank you for sharing your story. It is very sad - and, as an outsider reading it, the feelings of sadness are for you and for your son equally. It really sounds as if he did not get the right interventions and help when he needed it - whether that could have changed his destiny will never be known, but it may have done. You did your best to get an accurate diagnosis for him but it seems not much happened as a result? Incidentally, it is really a very common misunderstanding of ADHD that these kids cannot concentrate - they can concentrate, but what they cannot do is <em>persist</em> in that concentration or <em>resist </em>distractions - they can, however, do these things when they are very interested in something, as you observed with your son. </p><p></p><p>The trouble is that when one has a different child, the world does not change itself to accommodate their differences. Homework for example - I hate the thing! I really do... at least for kids who are simply exhausted at the end of the day and cannot concentrate on boring exercises. I think it is truly not that your son was lazy in not doing it but that he was desperate. I can't feel what it's like to have an ADD/ADHD brain but I can imagine a little... and I can imagine fighting and struggling not to do homework if I had one. And then the sex offences... you tell us that your son was himself abused. Surely that is the key to something, no? Again, you tried to get him help for this but it seems it was not helpful.</p><p></p><p>All of this is such a vicious circle. These kids need positive affirmation, unconditional acceptance, understanding and more understanding - the very things it is so all but near impossible to give much of the time, for ordinary, human parents with their own limitations and stresses! But really much of it wasn't your son's fault. Not your fault either, needless to say. In six years of life with my ADHD son, I can see how little the world understands them, and how impossible it is for them to do the things everyone else does, even though they may want to. The intersection between the hardness of the surrounding environment and the inability to perform differently under duress is a main driver for oppositional defiant behaviour, I believe. But, let's face it, looking after a child like this is a task for super heroes, warriors, extraordinary people. We all fail at the gate. You mentioned right at the end of your message another son... how has that impacted things?</p><p></p><p>Where do you go from here? I wish I knew... They say it is never too late to heal a broken relationship - but it may be too late for the time being. Your son may have to make his own way in a world that is not kind or forgiving, and he may crash. Maybe literally. That is really a hard and sad thing for any parent to face. </p><p></p><p>I hope others will have wise words.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 612505, member: 11227"] Hello. Thank you for sharing your story. It is very sad - and, as an outsider reading it, the feelings of sadness are for you and for your son equally. It really sounds as if he did not get the right interventions and help when he needed it - whether that could have changed his destiny will never be known, but it may have done. You did your best to get an accurate diagnosis for him but it seems not much happened as a result? Incidentally, it is really a very common misunderstanding of ADHD that these kids cannot concentrate - they can concentrate, but what they cannot do is [I]persist[/I] in that concentration or [I]resist [/I]distractions - they can, however, do these things when they are very interested in something, as you observed with your son. The trouble is that when one has a different child, the world does not change itself to accommodate their differences. Homework for example - I hate the thing! I really do... at least for kids who are simply exhausted at the end of the day and cannot concentrate on boring exercises. I think it is truly not that your son was lazy in not doing it but that he was desperate. I can't feel what it's like to have an ADD/ADHD brain but I can imagine a little... and I can imagine fighting and struggling not to do homework if I had one. And then the sex offences... you tell us that your son was himself abused. Surely that is the key to something, no? Again, you tried to get him help for this but it seems it was not helpful. All of this is such a vicious circle. These kids need positive affirmation, unconditional acceptance, understanding and more understanding - the very things it is so all but near impossible to give much of the time, for ordinary, human parents with their own limitations and stresses! But really much of it wasn't your son's fault. Not your fault either, needless to say. In six years of life with my ADHD son, I can see how little the world understands them, and how impossible it is for them to do the things everyone else does, even though they may want to. The intersection between the hardness of the surrounding environment and the inability to perform differently under duress is a main driver for oppositional defiant behaviour, I believe. But, let's face it, looking after a child like this is a task for super heroes, warriors, extraordinary people. We all fail at the gate. You mentioned right at the end of your message another son... how has that impacted things? Where do you go from here? I wish I knew... They say it is never too late to heal a broken relationship - but it may be too late for the time being. Your son may have to make his own way in a world that is not kind or forgiving, and he may crash. Maybe literally. That is really a hard and sad thing for any parent to face. I hope others will have wise words. [/QUOTE]
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