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Parent Emeritus
I feel so, so weak
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<blockquote data-quote="TheWalrus" data-source="post: 679748" data-attributes="member: 19905"><p>One thing my therapist told me that helped me TREMENDOUSLY, because I am a "fixer" and have that "if I could just...and she will finally straighten out" mentality, is that it doesn't matter what I want, plan or do for my daughter. If it isn't HER plan, HER desire, HER want, or important to HER, I am spinning my wheels and wasting time and energy trying. I have spent my life trying to "put a plan" in place for her or "fix something important." I have done nothing but patch her up with bandaids for a long time.</p><p></p><p>Your son sounds the same. If the ticket were important to HIM, he would have dealt with it. When you step in with advice, reminders, money, "help," you are just taping him up with bandaids. </p><p></p><p>Unfortunately they have to bleed some, feel the pain of their consequences, and we parents rush in to "fix" it and "save them" from their own pain. And it hurts to stand aside and let them feel that pain but we must. From my own detaching process, I have seen that my daughter has a high pain threshold and is oblivious at times to the damage she does to herself - but I cannot be her safety net every time she climbs on the highwire with dangerous, reckless or irresponsible choices. I am not going to be around forever and she has to fall so she can decide what is worth the risks and how much pain she can stand.</p><p></p><p>It is hard to clasp our hands behind our backs and close our lips, but we must. We must become the audience to their dramas instead of playing supporting roles.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheWalrus, post: 679748, member: 19905"] One thing my therapist told me that helped me TREMENDOUSLY, because I am a "fixer" and have that "if I could just...and she will finally straighten out" mentality, is that it doesn't matter what I want, plan or do for my daughter. If it isn't HER plan, HER desire, HER want, or important to HER, I am spinning my wheels and wasting time and energy trying. I have spent my life trying to "put a plan" in place for her or "fix something important." I have done nothing but patch her up with bandaids for a long time. Your son sounds the same. If the ticket were important to HIM, he would have dealt with it. When you step in with advice, reminders, money, "help," you are just taping him up with bandaids. Unfortunately they have to bleed some, feel the pain of their consequences, and we parents rush in to "fix" it and "save them" from their own pain. And it hurts to stand aside and let them feel that pain but we must. From my own detaching process, I have seen that my daughter has a high pain threshold and is oblivious at times to the damage she does to herself - but I cannot be her safety net every time she climbs on the highwire with dangerous, reckless or irresponsible choices. I am not going to be around forever and she has to fall so she can decide what is worth the risks and how much pain she can stand. It is hard to clasp our hands behind our backs and close our lips, but we must. We must become the audience to their dramas instead of playing supporting roles. [/QUOTE]
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I feel so, so weak
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