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I feel such a failure. Can we please talk?
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<blockquote data-quote="everywoman" data-source="post: 248356" data-attributes="member: 1436"><p>I have started this post and then deleted what I have written and rewritten it a dozen times already.</p><p> </p><p>I think that Stands is in such a sad, dark place. She knows the truth, but because of her own pain, her own fear, her own lack of a sense of self, she can not do what she needs to do. And I do feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for her entire family. I even feel sorry for her difficult child. </p><p></p><p>I know the courage it takes to look your child in the face and tell him to get out of your life. I know what it's like to think if I try just this one more thing, maybe it will change everything. I know what it's like to look at a small, minuscule gain and have hope that things will change. And it gets you down when it doesn't. And when the people you love the most are stomping on your heart, and when you are beating yourself up, you don't need a group that you vent to, feel safe with, knocking you down. </p><p></p><p>I live with two addicts. Both are in different places in their recovery. I could/should turn my back on both of them. But I also see in them the pain that their addiction causes them. And maybe that what Stand's sees in her son. She doesn't see the manipulation, the lies, the constant badgering as what they are---she stills sees the pain in her son's eyes. </p><p></p><p>It took me a long, long time to get to the point I am at in my life. And I wouldn't put my son out on the streets because anyone on this board told me to. I wouldn't leave my husband if this board thought I should. I would do it because it would be the right thing for me to do. I have put my son out of my house. He is back home now and doing much better. I have looked in to a divorce, but after 22 years I don't think that's the road I want to travel. But I am far along enough in my own recovery that I can handle that you might not agree with my choices. And I am a big enough girl that I know their may be consequences for my choice. Stands is not there yet. She's still cooking. And maybe she should be there by your standards. But remember, we each move to a new place when we are tired enough of being in the old one. Stands hasn't hit bottom yet. Like many codependents she may never reach the point where she is ready to make a different choice. But belittling her, chiding her like a child, make her feel inferior isn't going to get her there any faster.</p><p></p><p>When I think of responding to any of Stands post I think back on the list of answers we made years ago to our kids when they called wanting us to fix things:</p><p>1. I'm sorry to hear that. What are you going to do?</p><p>2. Well, that sounds awful. So sorry that you are disappointed.</p><p>3. You have to face the consequences of the choices you make in life.</p><p></p><p>Esther, I hear what you are saying. I, too, am a smoker. And if one more person tells me that cigarettes can kill you, I am going to scream! It's not like I don't know.</p><p>You don't have to tell me. And we don't have to tell Stands that she is going to have to live with the consequences of enabling her difficult child. She is living with them everyday.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="everywoman, post: 248356, member: 1436"] I have started this post and then deleted what I have written and rewritten it a dozen times already. I think that Stands is in such a sad, dark place. She knows the truth, but because of her own pain, her own fear, her own lack of a sense of self, she can not do what she needs to do. And I do feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for her entire family. I even feel sorry for her difficult child. I know the courage it takes to look your child in the face and tell him to get out of your life. I know what it's like to think if I try just this one more thing, maybe it will change everything. I know what it's like to look at a small, minuscule gain and have hope that things will change. And it gets you down when it doesn't. And when the people you love the most are stomping on your heart, and when you are beating yourself up, you don't need a group that you vent to, feel safe with, knocking you down. I live with two addicts. Both are in different places in their recovery. I could/should turn my back on both of them. But I also see in them the pain that their addiction causes them. And maybe that what Stand's sees in her son. She doesn't see the manipulation, the lies, the constant badgering as what they are---she stills sees the pain in her son's eyes. It took me a long, long time to get to the point I am at in my life. And I wouldn't put my son out on the streets because anyone on this board told me to. I wouldn't leave my husband if this board thought I should. I would do it because it would be the right thing for me to do. I have put my son out of my house. He is back home now and doing much better. I have looked in to a divorce, but after 22 years I don't think that's the road I want to travel. But I am far along enough in my own recovery that I can handle that you might not agree with my choices. And I am a big enough girl that I know their may be consequences for my choice. Stands is not there yet. She's still cooking. And maybe she should be there by your standards. But remember, we each move to a new place when we are tired enough of being in the old one. Stands hasn't hit bottom yet. Like many codependents she may never reach the point where she is ready to make a different choice. But belittling her, chiding her like a child, make her feel inferior isn't going to get her there any faster. When I think of responding to any of Stands post I think back on the list of answers we made years ago to our kids when they called wanting us to fix things: 1. I'm sorry to hear that. What are you going to do? 2. Well, that sounds awful. So sorry that you are disappointed. 3. You have to face the consequences of the choices you make in life. Esther, I hear what you are saying. I, too, am a smoker. And if one more person tells me that cigarettes can kill you, I am going to scream! It's not like I don't know. You don't have to tell me. And we don't have to tell Stands that she is going to have to live with the consequences of enabling her difficult child. She is living with them everyday. [/QUOTE]
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I feel such a failure. Can we please talk?
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