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I feel totally hopeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 389940" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hi, Footballer's Mum. I've been AWOL for a day or so (lost my computer). I want to assure you - a lot of us have been where you are now. While there is no magic cure, there is perhaps more hope than you can see right now.</p><p></p><p>I have a head full of information and advice for you but hands and arms not happy with my typing. So I will try to be brief.</p><p></p><p>First - read around this site. On the discipline side of things, a book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene can help not only with discipline, but also with using logic with him to help him begin to take personal responsibility. He will need you for a lot longer than other kids his age, purely in personal organisation and to help him learn to live. The attitude of "he should be able to do X AT HIS AGE" has to be dropped. These kids do get there, but can take years longer. My difficult child 1, in his final grade (very similar story to your boy) was absorbing nothing and needing a vast amount of support in terms of reminders. If he was given a piece of paper with the set homework on it, he would not note it down but would absently discard it in the nearest bin. Trying to get through to teachers that they had to watch him as he wrote it into his homework book and then watch him put his homework book in his bag - a nightmare. We finally pulled him out of mainstream three months before his final graduation exams (he was going to fail everything) and enrolled him in a state-based correspondence school. "Distance Education" - check to see if the UK has a Distance Ed school you can access, unless you have Residency in Spain. Even then, you might be able to do this. We found a lot of the problem with mainstream schooling was the task-changing. With Distance Ed, the student chooses when to change task. We have also found a brilliant website for teaching Maths online. Cheap, too. Australian-based, but available internationally.</p><p></p><p>With schoolwork - ADHD medications helped a lot with our kids, but haven't fixed the underlying problems. We've also needed to greatly reduce the distraction factors for the child while studying.</p><p></p><p>Instructions - put them in writing. Have lists stuck to the wall. Make him carry a notebook and pencil. difficult child 1 could not mentally multi-task or follow verbal instructions of more than one step. difficult child 3 is different, interestingly. But lists have helped difficult child 1 a great deal.</p><p></p><p>At your son's age, you perhaps need to look at a different education pathway. For example, we have the option of technical education being included in the high school program; difficult child 3's ability lies in Science and Computing, so he has begun to study a TAFE (college of Technical and Further Education - polytechnic?) through his correspondence high school. He now has his first year's TAFE certificate in computing and is about to begin his second year. By the time he completes high school (taking three years longer, because he can only cope with a halftime load) he will have a full TAFE diploma, which in Australia counts halfway to a university degree.</p><p></p><p>Your son may need to be shunted into a work program; an apprenticeship program; a cadetship or similar. Find an employment agency that assists people with a disability if such exist; failing that you can do what I did and become your son's advocate and make the phone calls yourself. What did the trick for us with difficult child 1, was several things in sequence:</p><p></p><p>1) Idleness was not tolerated. School, or work. And if he could not get a job, he could either study, or he could do volunteer work. Hard physical labour (it teaches good work ethic) perhaps helping out a local landscaper. I have lots of ideas if you need them.</p><p></p><p>2) He eventually began to get ideas on what he wanted to do as a career. I got him into volunteer work in that area where I could. As his ideas changed, we changed direction.</p><p></p><p>3) When we wanted to get him an apprenticeship, I began to ring various businesses (right when the economic downturn hit!). I said, "difficult child 1 wants to be a carpenter, but doesn't really have any experience. Can he come and work for you, FOR NOTHING, for a few hours so he can see if this is the right choice for him?"</p><p>Offering his services for free opened doors which had previously slammed shut. The boss, who had just told me, "Even if we let him come in for free, we have no job for him. But hey, if you're crazy enough to give it away, we'll take it," ended up employing him. He worked there for ten months before they let him go (financial reasons) but he left with a good reference and experience, which got him the next job. He was there six months when they finally made an opening for him as an apprentice. He was 27. Ten years older than apprentices usually are. He is also married - imagine only starting an apprenticeship after you are married, your wife is out of work and unwell, and you literally live in a hole in the hill?</p><p></p><p>The thing is, life is working out for him. And for difficult child 3. Discipline is not easy but we have worked out methods that work for us. A lot of stuff we have to let go, because these kids are NOT normal and never will be. But in some ways, they can be super-achievers and wonderful people.</p><p></p><p>I've got a lot more for you, but my arms are giving out, I have to get to bed and tomorrow is a big day for me. I will check in maybe 16 hours' time, if I can.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there, read as much as you can, have hope, it WILL be OK. If there had to be something wrong with your chid, I think this is the best thing it could be. There is a lot worse. </p><p></p><p>For a bit more hope and encouragement, read up on Tony Attwood. He explains Asperger's in such positive terms, he is where I first found my hope.</p><p></p><p>Welcome.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 389940, member: 1991"] Hi, Footballer's Mum. I've been AWOL for a day or so (lost my computer). I want to assure you - a lot of us have been where you are now. While there is no magic cure, there is perhaps more hope than you can see right now. I have a head full of information and advice for you but hands and arms not happy with my typing. So I will try to be brief. First - read around this site. On the discipline side of things, a book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene can help not only with discipline, but also with using logic with him to help him begin to take personal responsibility. He will need you for a lot longer than other kids his age, purely in personal organisation and to help him learn to live. The attitude of "he should be able to do X AT HIS AGE" has to be dropped. These kids do get there, but can take years longer. My difficult child 1, in his final grade (very similar story to your boy) was absorbing nothing and needing a vast amount of support in terms of reminders. If he was given a piece of paper with the set homework on it, he would not note it down but would absently discard it in the nearest bin. Trying to get through to teachers that they had to watch him as he wrote it into his homework book and then watch him put his homework book in his bag - a nightmare. We finally pulled him out of mainstream three months before his final graduation exams (he was going to fail everything) and enrolled him in a state-based correspondence school. "Distance Education" - check to see if the UK has a Distance Ed school you can access, unless you have Residency in Spain. Even then, you might be able to do this. We found a lot of the problem with mainstream schooling was the task-changing. With Distance Ed, the student chooses when to change task. We have also found a brilliant website for teaching Maths online. Cheap, too. Australian-based, but available internationally. With schoolwork - ADHD medications helped a lot with our kids, but haven't fixed the underlying problems. We've also needed to greatly reduce the distraction factors for the child while studying. Instructions - put them in writing. Have lists stuck to the wall. Make him carry a notebook and pencil. difficult child 1 could not mentally multi-task or follow verbal instructions of more than one step. difficult child 3 is different, interestingly. But lists have helped difficult child 1 a great deal. At your son's age, you perhaps need to look at a different education pathway. For example, we have the option of technical education being included in the high school program; difficult child 3's ability lies in Science and Computing, so he has begun to study a TAFE (college of Technical and Further Education - polytechnic?) through his correspondence high school. He now has his first year's TAFE certificate in computing and is about to begin his second year. By the time he completes high school (taking three years longer, because he can only cope with a halftime load) he will have a full TAFE diploma, which in Australia counts halfway to a university degree. Your son may need to be shunted into a work program; an apprenticeship program; a cadetship or similar. Find an employment agency that assists people with a disability if such exist; failing that you can do what I did and become your son's advocate and make the phone calls yourself. What did the trick for us with difficult child 1, was several things in sequence: 1) Idleness was not tolerated. School, or work. And if he could not get a job, he could either study, or he could do volunteer work. Hard physical labour (it teaches good work ethic) perhaps helping out a local landscaper. I have lots of ideas if you need them. 2) He eventually began to get ideas on what he wanted to do as a career. I got him into volunteer work in that area where I could. As his ideas changed, we changed direction. 3) When we wanted to get him an apprenticeship, I began to ring various businesses (right when the economic downturn hit!). I said, "difficult child 1 wants to be a carpenter, but doesn't really have any experience. Can he come and work for you, FOR NOTHING, for a few hours so he can see if this is the right choice for him?" Offering his services for free opened doors which had previously slammed shut. The boss, who had just told me, "Even if we let him come in for free, we have no job for him. But hey, if you're crazy enough to give it away, we'll take it," ended up employing him. He worked there for ten months before they let him go (financial reasons) but he left with a good reference and experience, which got him the next job. He was there six months when they finally made an opening for him as an apprentice. He was 27. Ten years older than apprentices usually are. He is also married - imagine only starting an apprenticeship after you are married, your wife is out of work and unwell, and you literally live in a hole in the hill? The thing is, life is working out for him. And for difficult child 3. Discipline is not easy but we have worked out methods that work for us. A lot of stuff we have to let go, because these kids are NOT normal and never will be. But in some ways, they can be super-achievers and wonderful people. I've got a lot more for you, but my arms are giving out, I have to get to bed and tomorrow is a big day for me. I will check in maybe 16 hours' time, if I can. Hang in there, read as much as you can, have hope, it WILL be OK. If there had to be something wrong with your chid, I think this is the best thing it could be. There is a lot worse. For a bit more hope and encouragement, read up on Tony Attwood. He explains Asperger's in such positive terms, he is where I first found my hope. Welcome. Marg [/QUOTE]
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