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Oh I hear you and I understand.  Sometimes it does feel like this is all our fault and that if we only had the courage to be firm and consistent none of this would have happened!!  We have a six year old easy child who's very agreeable but often I feel like a failure as a parent to my difficult child.  I don't have much advice except that when (and that seems way too infrequent!!) we have consequences they are incredibly black and white.  That does work.  For example, if you are not in bed by 10 then no computer the next day.  He'll find some way to make it gray though.  I waffle constantly under stress!!