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I gave up yesterday
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<blockquote data-quote="627666" data-source="post: 215001" data-attributes="member: 6376"><p>Wow, do I understand your pain and frustration! I can hear it in your "voice" and I can tell how much you love this family. I am amazed you have hung in there so far, considering all you are dealing with.</p><p> </p><p>I am going to offer some advice, based on what I believe my husband would tell you. You see, he came into my life and my son's life when my son was almost 4. My son will turn 12 next week. Since that time, it has literally been a day to day struggle keeping our marriage and family in tact. We spend thousands of dollars trying to help our (we consider him to be our son) son, trying to stay married, trying to protect our 6 year old daughter, etc. Almost every argument we have ever had is due to the tension of dealing with our son. We recently decided to let our son stay with his paternal grandparents so we can have a break, and I cannot tell you the differences we are seeing and feeling in this home! </p><p> </p><p>So, as the bio Mom I do not have the choice of completely running away but I feel I can tell you what I think my husband would say. My husband and I are very much in love. He is the real deal, a wonderful man who loves and takes very good care of us in every way. He has done more for our son than my son's bio Dad, much the way you have for your boyfriend's son. He gets up in the middle of the night when our son has a nightmare, he does all the math homework I don't understand, he teaches him how to fix things around the house, he takes him to do Dad/Son things, he comes to ALL the therapist's apts, doctor's apts, etc, and so on and so on. </p><p> </p><p>And our daughter is the light of his life! Once our son's issues started affecting our daughter on a daily basis, we had to make the decision to send him away temporarily. I believe if you asked my husband if he would do this all over again, he would say no. Not counting our daughter, of course, but this is not what he envisioned for marriage or for his life. </p><p> </p><p>I agree you are the only one who seems to be clued in on what this boy needs. And it sounds like your boyfriend is in such denial about his son's issues, he simply takes the easy road to deal with him. He reminds me of my son's bio Dad. We call him Disneyland Dad for these same reasons! It is beyond me how any parent would place a computer in any child's room! This is playing with fire, especially when you are dealing with a child with issues like you have described. His Dad will continue to make excuses for him and blame you. I did this for the first several years of our marriage and my husband left at one point, for a few days, bc he could not handle it any more. This is not the right approach. These kids need to see a united front by their parents, bio or step, so they learn they cannot divide the family. They need to feel the security of knowing their parents are stronger than their (the child) behavior.</p><p> </p><p>I agree you need to get him evaluated by a good neuropsychologist! Pediatricians should not be prescribing these medications. And Straterra for all these issues is not a good fit at all. From what we have been told, this medication is ok in conjuction with others but not by itself. I will also tell you we are about to take our son off his anti-depressant, so be wary of those. His behavior has deteriorated to shoplifting, agression, etc, since we put him on one. His doctors are now thinking the anti-depressant could be the culprit for the recent decline. </p><p> </p><p>I have to tell you, as painful as it may be, I would continue to put your life on hold until this boy and his father are stable. They need a good doctor(s) and the correct diagnosis and they need a plan for continued behavioral therapy. At that point, I feel you can say you have done all you can and you would be free to make the decision to leave. You have a right to happiness. And I will tell you, if you married this man and then chose to have your own children, the problems would simply multiply! You also have the choice of staying for the long haul and fighting each day for this child, but my advice would be to not have any kids of your own if you choose this. You would be helping save this boy and you will need your energy for that and for your marriage. You and your boyfriend should find a good couple's therapist who works with families like ours. We found one and she has helped us immensely, bc she understands the issues surrounding these kiddos.</p><p> </p><p>I tell everyone to continue praying. I know alot of people suggest reading "The Explosive Child", which I plan to as well, but praying is the best answer. Regardless of your religious or spiritual affiliation, pray for answers and pray for this child! Stormy O'Martian is a wonderful author who writes the "Power of..." series of books. Go get "The Power of a Praying Parent" and start reading it asap. This will give you specific prayers to say for this boy's future, health, friends, school, etc. It will at the very least give you some hope in knowing you have done one more thing for him. I truly believe in the power of prayer! Answers will come to you and you will know what to do with your situation.</p><p> </p><p>God Bless and Hang in there! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="627666, post: 215001, member: 6376"] Wow, do I understand your pain and frustration! I can hear it in your "voice" and I can tell how much you love this family. I am amazed you have hung in there so far, considering all you are dealing with. I am going to offer some advice, based on what I believe my husband would tell you. You see, he came into my life and my son's life when my son was almost 4. My son will turn 12 next week. Since that time, it has literally been a day to day struggle keeping our marriage and family in tact. We spend thousands of dollars trying to help our (we consider him to be our son) son, trying to stay married, trying to protect our 6 year old daughter, etc. Almost every argument we have ever had is due to the tension of dealing with our son. We recently decided to let our son stay with his paternal grandparents so we can have a break, and I cannot tell you the differences we are seeing and feeling in this home! So, as the bio Mom I do not have the choice of completely running away but I feel I can tell you what I think my husband would say. My husband and I are very much in love. He is the real deal, a wonderful man who loves and takes very good care of us in every way. He has done more for our son than my son's bio Dad, much the way you have for your boyfriend's son. He gets up in the middle of the night when our son has a nightmare, he does all the math homework I don't understand, he teaches him how to fix things around the house, he takes him to do Dad/Son things, he comes to ALL the therapist's apts, doctor's apts, etc, and so on and so on. And our daughter is the light of his life! Once our son's issues started affecting our daughter on a daily basis, we had to make the decision to send him away temporarily. I believe if you asked my husband if he would do this all over again, he would say no. Not counting our daughter, of course, but this is not what he envisioned for marriage or for his life. I agree you are the only one who seems to be clued in on what this boy needs. And it sounds like your boyfriend is in such denial about his son's issues, he simply takes the easy road to deal with him. He reminds me of my son's bio Dad. We call him Disneyland Dad for these same reasons! It is beyond me how any parent would place a computer in any child's room! This is playing with fire, especially when you are dealing with a child with issues like you have described. His Dad will continue to make excuses for him and blame you. I did this for the first several years of our marriage and my husband left at one point, for a few days, bc he could not handle it any more. This is not the right approach. These kids need to see a united front by their parents, bio or step, so they learn they cannot divide the family. They need to feel the security of knowing their parents are stronger than their (the child) behavior. I agree you need to get him evaluated by a good neuropsychologist! Pediatricians should not be prescribing these medications. And Straterra for all these issues is not a good fit at all. From what we have been told, this medication is ok in conjuction with others but not by itself. I will also tell you we are about to take our son off his anti-depressant, so be wary of those. His behavior has deteriorated to shoplifting, agression, etc, since we put him on one. His doctors are now thinking the anti-depressant could be the culprit for the recent decline. I have to tell you, as painful as it may be, I would continue to put your life on hold until this boy and his father are stable. They need a good doctor(s) and the correct diagnosis and they need a plan for continued behavioral therapy. At that point, I feel you can say you have done all you can and you would be free to make the decision to leave. You have a right to happiness. And I will tell you, if you married this man and then chose to have your own children, the problems would simply multiply! You also have the choice of staying for the long haul and fighting each day for this child, but my advice would be to not have any kids of your own if you choose this. You would be helping save this boy and you will need your energy for that and for your marriage. You and your boyfriend should find a good couple's therapist who works with families like ours. We found one and she has helped us immensely, bc she understands the issues surrounding these kiddos. I tell everyone to continue praying. I know alot of people suggest reading "The Explosive Child", which I plan to as well, but praying is the best answer. Regardless of your religious or spiritual affiliation, pray for answers and pray for this child! Stormy O'Martian is a wonderful author who writes the "Power of..." series of books. Go get "The Power of a Praying Parent" and start reading it asap. This will give you specific prayers to say for this boy's future, health, friends, school, etc. It will at the very least give you some hope in knowing you have done one more thing for him. I truly believe in the power of prayer! Answers will come to you and you will know what to do with your situation. God Bless and Hang in there! :winking: [/QUOTE]
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