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I give up. It hurts too much to hope.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 661968" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Copa, I am reading along and I am so sorry you are going through this. I deeply understand your anguish and despair, I have walked in those shoes too.</p><p></p><p>I have lived with mental illness all my life, so I can feel what you are going through......my daughter is 42 years old and I've gone through the agonies of the damned, as you are, and many of us here have, to try to save her. She is similar to your son in physical beauty and intelligence with an uncanny knack for getting others to do for her. I went through a process of letting go that lasted awhile and one of the most difficult things to face is that I will not be able to save her from death, she might die as a result of her choices.......and there isn't anything I can do about it. I think that was likely the most difficult thing for me to face. As a mother, I think I really thought my will alone could prevent that. But I had to look at the issue head on and realize that there would not be anything I can do about it.......and it may, indeed, happen.</p><p></p><p>I don't know where you are in terms of support, but I had truckloads of support to be able to move through this journey and remain sane. If you don't have that, my strong advice to you is that you find it and find it now. This stuff is the hardest thing you will ever do and most of us need professional support to get through it. To tell ourselves that we cannot control the life and/or death of our child is a truth that can't be just swallowed whole, it has to be digested in increments and in my opinion, with a lot of help. </p><p></p><p>As others have mentioned, a large part of this is being able to separate yourself from your son. He is over there and you are over here. There are boundaries between you, you are not him, he is not you.It takes work to step back and recognize the space between you and he........if you allow yourself to be pulled around by his choices, up and down and sideways, you will forfeit your own life. I know, I did that and it took me to the brink of insanity.</p><p></p><p>Reading Codependent no more is a good start. I don't know where you live, but here in CA. the major HMO offers a terrific Codependency program run by trained therapists which is part of their substance abuse program. I went through that two year program and it changed my life, perhaps, saved my life. I had to have a lot of professional help from those who were trained in how to detach from those we love who are either involved in substance abuse and/or have a mental illness. I really don't know how I could have done it alone. I needed those professionals to continue to offer me other ways of looking at it, I needed them to point out how embroiled I was and how my helping and suffering was not making any kind of difference. I needed continued support to let go and accept what I could not change. I hope you can find that kind of help Copa. </p><p></p><p>At the worst of it, what helped me was to place my daughter in the hands of my perception of a higher power. I had to recognize that she had a different fate than I thought she should have, and I didn't know what that fate was, nor was I in control of it......she would have to walk her own path to her own destiny........without me. That recognition of her having a destiny of her own, separate from me and what I wanted for her, helped me to let go. I began to see how I may have in fact, been hindering her path.</p><p></p><p>Our adult children are not 'ours' they are not here to do what we think they should do, they are here to fulfill their own lives in ways that only they know. We are not a part of that. We birth them or adopt them...... and we let them go......it's that letting go part that gets so dicey when they are troubled and have mental anomalies. But, even when they are troubled like your son and my daughter, they still own their own lives, to do with how they will. I began believing and still do, that the most loving thing I could do, was to let my beloved daughter go in to her own destiny........whatever that is........even if it means she may die before me........I so hope that doesn't happen Copa, but it may......and I will have to deal with it then.........but for now........she and I are living our separate lives, our separate destinies..........</p><p></p><p>Sending you loving hugs Copa.......we are circling our wagons around you now......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 661968, member: 13542"] Copa, I am reading along and I am so sorry you are going through this. I deeply understand your anguish and despair, I have walked in those shoes too. I have lived with mental illness all my life, so I can feel what you are going through......my daughter is 42 years old and I've gone through the agonies of the damned, as you are, and many of us here have, to try to save her. She is similar to your son in physical beauty and intelligence with an uncanny knack for getting others to do for her. I went through a process of letting go that lasted awhile and one of the most difficult things to face is that I will not be able to save her from death, she might die as a result of her choices.......and there isn't anything I can do about it. I think that was likely the most difficult thing for me to face. As a mother, I think I really thought my will alone could prevent that. But I had to look at the issue head on and realize that there would not be anything I can do about it.......and it may, indeed, happen. I don't know where you are in terms of support, but I had truckloads of support to be able to move through this journey and remain sane. If you don't have that, my strong advice to you is that you find it and find it now. This stuff is the hardest thing you will ever do and most of us need professional support to get through it. To tell ourselves that we cannot control the life and/or death of our child is a truth that can't be just swallowed whole, it has to be digested in increments and in my opinion, with a lot of help. As others have mentioned, a large part of this is being able to separate yourself from your son. He is over there and you are over here. There are boundaries between you, you are not him, he is not you.It takes work to step back and recognize the space between you and he........if you allow yourself to be pulled around by his choices, up and down and sideways, you will forfeit your own life. I know, I did that and it took me to the brink of insanity. Reading Codependent no more is a good start. I don't know where you live, but here in CA. the major HMO offers a terrific Codependency program run by trained therapists which is part of their substance abuse program. I went through that two year program and it changed my life, perhaps, saved my life. I had to have a lot of professional help from those who were trained in how to detach from those we love who are either involved in substance abuse and/or have a mental illness. I really don't know how I could have done it alone. I needed those professionals to continue to offer me other ways of looking at it, I needed them to point out how embroiled I was and how my helping and suffering was not making any kind of difference. I needed continued support to let go and accept what I could not change. I hope you can find that kind of help Copa. At the worst of it, what helped me was to place my daughter in the hands of my perception of a higher power. I had to recognize that she had a different fate than I thought she should have, and I didn't know what that fate was, nor was I in control of it......she would have to walk her own path to her own destiny........without me. That recognition of her having a destiny of her own, separate from me and what I wanted for her, helped me to let go. I began to see how I may have in fact, been hindering her path. Our adult children are not 'ours' they are not here to do what we think they should do, they are here to fulfill their own lives in ways that only they know. We are not a part of that. We birth them or adopt them...... and we let them go......it's that letting go part that gets so dicey when they are troubled and have mental anomalies. But, even when they are troubled like your son and my daughter, they still own their own lives, to do with how they will. I began believing and still do, that the most loving thing I could do, was to let my beloved daughter go in to her own destiny........whatever that is........even if it means she may die before me........I so hope that doesn't happen Copa, but it may......and I will have to deal with it then.........but for now........she and I are living our separate lives, our separate destinies.......... Sending you loving hugs Copa.......we are circling our wagons around you now...... [/QUOTE]
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