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General Parenting
I guess meanness can be a reaction to knowing you are different and a disappointment
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<blockquote data-quote="BloodiedButUnbowed" data-source="post: 716105" data-attributes="member: 13303"><p>My difficult stepson and his younger brother both live with their father, also. This was the custody arrangement agreed to by my wife and her ex husband when they divorced. They share joint custody but for a variety of reasons decided residential was best with Dad.</p><p></p><p>My wife and her ex husband had a very high conflict divorce. There are great resentments on her ex husband's part and he has alienated the boys from my wife over many years, for his own dysfunctional and selfish reasons. He is the type who sees himself as a great guy and a rescuer, but is very passive-aggressive. Part of this extends to DS.</p><p>His father refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of his issues and DS has never received real consequences or, to be fair, help. He has been in and out of therapy since fifth grade and it has not made much difference. He did better when he was compliant with antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, but he has refused to take those for some time. I believe he is self-medicating with pot and alcohol. I found posts of his on Reddit where he bragged about his alcohol intake in particular. The details were very specific and I believed them to be true accounts of his behavior. I still do. I took them to my wife and together we showed her ex-husband. He denied it all, and told DS that "someone" was reading his posts and to be careful. So of course he no longer posts there.</p><p></p><p>DS is very intelligent but is crippled by anxiety. I also believe he is a sociopath. In 2015 he strangled my wife in our home, which brought me to this community as I sought advice and support dealing with the situation. He was angry with her because she woke him up from a mid-day nap. My wife was injured seriously enough that she had to visit a doctor. I wanted to call the police but instead my wife and her ex husband took him to the hospital. He was in a partial hospitalization program for a few months. We asked that he be evaluated for an IEP due to our suspicion that he had an emotional disability. During the meeting he lost his temper and began screaming and swearing at my wife. He was escorted out of his own IEP meeting!</p><p></p><p>In the end he was not eligible. After that he stopped speaking to my wife and to me for about a year. During that time his father bought him a car without our knowledge. DS began to use the car to cut school. He was failing every class and due to previous problems with failures, he was no longer on track to graduate on time. We learned from his counselor that he was talking about dropping out. We texted him and suggested online school, which prompted him to break the estrangement and reply. We did allow him to leave his high school and enroll online. We figured it was better than watching him fail everything and then drop out at 17. At present he is still enrolled online, but he is not doing his work (a lifelong pattern) and I predict he will probably drop out eventually. He sees no value in school and instead wants to work. He has a part time job as a dishwasher and that is his priority. He is looking for additional part time work and won't listen to anybody who tries to explain that a HS diploma is a MINIMUM requirement even for many menial labor jobs. His father doesn't care what he does and is also, we believe, fearful of DS because DS has attacked him physically too. DS is HUGE and can easily do a lot of damage. Father is unwilling to involve authorities so this situation will probably go on as long as his father is alive, barring a miracle.</p><p></p><p>How do I deal with it? I avoid him. As a step-parent, and given that he does not live here, that is very easy to do. The custody agreement calls for us to have them every other weekend but that stopped happening around the time of the strangulation incident. My wife speaks to him weekly and sees him roughly monthly. Sometimes I go with and sometimes not. I keep the conversation very neutral and spend most of my time with them focusing on my other stepson who is much more pleasant and enjoyable to be around.</p><p></p><p>If he ever becomes aggressive in my presence again I am calling the police immediately regardless of my wife's wishes.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BloodiedButUnbowed, post: 716105, member: 13303"] My difficult stepson and his younger brother both live with their father, also. This was the custody arrangement agreed to by my wife and her ex husband when they divorced. They share joint custody but for a variety of reasons decided residential was best with Dad. My wife and her ex husband had a very high conflict divorce. There are great resentments on her ex husband's part and he has alienated the boys from my wife over many years, for his own dysfunctional and selfish reasons. He is the type who sees himself as a great guy and a rescuer, but is very passive-aggressive. Part of this extends to DS. His father refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of his issues and DS has never received real consequences or, to be fair, help. He has been in and out of therapy since fifth grade and it has not made much difference. He did better when he was compliant with antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, but he has refused to take those for some time. I believe he is self-medicating with pot and alcohol. I found posts of his on Reddit where he bragged about his alcohol intake in particular. The details were very specific and I believed them to be true accounts of his behavior. I still do. I took them to my wife and together we showed her ex-husband. He denied it all, and told DS that "someone" was reading his posts and to be careful. So of course he no longer posts there. DS is very intelligent but is crippled by anxiety. I also believe he is a sociopath. In 2015 he strangled my wife in our home, which brought me to this community as I sought advice and support dealing with the situation. He was angry with her because she woke him up from a mid-day nap. My wife was injured seriously enough that she had to visit a doctor. I wanted to call the police but instead my wife and her ex husband took him to the hospital. He was in a partial hospitalization program for a few months. We asked that he be evaluated for an IEP due to our suspicion that he had an emotional disability. During the meeting he lost his temper and began screaming and swearing at my wife. He was escorted out of his own IEP meeting! In the end he was not eligible. After that he stopped speaking to my wife and to me for about a year. During that time his father bought him a car without our knowledge. DS began to use the car to cut school. He was failing every class and due to previous problems with failures, he was no longer on track to graduate on time. We learned from his counselor that he was talking about dropping out. We texted him and suggested online school, which prompted him to break the estrangement and reply. We did allow him to leave his high school and enroll online. We figured it was better than watching him fail everything and then drop out at 17. At present he is still enrolled online, but he is not doing his work (a lifelong pattern) and I predict he will probably drop out eventually. He sees no value in school and instead wants to work. He has a part time job as a dishwasher and that is his priority. He is looking for additional part time work and won't listen to anybody who tries to explain that a HS diploma is a MINIMUM requirement even for many menial labor jobs. His father doesn't care what he does and is also, we believe, fearful of DS because DS has attacked him physically too. DS is HUGE and can easily do a lot of damage. Father is unwilling to involve authorities so this situation will probably go on as long as his father is alive, barring a miracle. How do I deal with it? I avoid him. As a step-parent, and given that he does not live here, that is very easy to do. The custody agreement calls for us to have them every other weekend but that stopped happening around the time of the strangulation incident. My wife speaks to him weekly and sees him roughly monthly. Sometimes I go with and sometimes not. I keep the conversation very neutral and spend most of my time with them focusing on my other stepson who is much more pleasant and enjoyable to be around. If he ever becomes aggressive in my presence again I am calling the police immediately regardless of my wife's wishes. [/QUOTE]
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