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General Parenting
I guess meanness can be a reaction to knowing you are different and a disappointment
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<blockquote data-quote="BloodiedButUnbowed" data-source="post: 716133" data-attributes="member: 13303"><p>Thanks for the understanding words, PM. It is such a comfort to come here where everybody just gets it.</p><p></p><p>My Difficult Stepson does know that he is a disappointment. I would love to say that isn't true, that his biological family loves and accepts him regardless of what he is, and while that is technically true.....he is very loved ......and he knows it..... there have been high expectations of him from the time he was conceived. And he is highly intelligent, was in the gifted program in his elementary school, got his first F in fifth grade (Art because it "wasn't important"), started to flame out in middle school and then went into a tailspin from the moment he walked into his brick and mortar high school.</p><p></p><p>He cares very much about what others think and wants to live up to the expectations but he cannot. I have accepted that he really cannot. The stubbornness and aggression are just as much a part of him as his anxiety. </p><p></p><p>So I agree that his meanness, and violence, are partly triggered by the shame that he feels about being different and disappointing to himself as well as his family.</p><p></p><p>Hope you are doing well today. You are doing the right things, detach with love, take care of yourself. Your son's destiny is his own and I've learned, in general, that the more I meddle the harder I make it for others to figure it out on their own. Check out Al-Anon, it has been very helpful for me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BloodiedButUnbowed, post: 716133, member: 13303"] Thanks for the understanding words, PM. It is such a comfort to come here where everybody just gets it. My Difficult Stepson does know that he is a disappointment. I would love to say that isn't true, that his biological family loves and accepts him regardless of what he is, and while that is technically true.....he is very loved ......and he knows it..... there have been high expectations of him from the time he was conceived. And he is highly intelligent, was in the gifted program in his elementary school, got his first F in fifth grade (Art because it "wasn't important"), started to flame out in middle school and then went into a tailspin from the moment he walked into his brick and mortar high school. He cares very much about what others think and wants to live up to the expectations but he cannot. I have accepted that he really cannot. The stubbornness and aggression are just as much a part of him as his anxiety. So I agree that his meanness, and violence, are partly triggered by the shame that he feels about being different and disappointing to himself as well as his family. Hope you are doing well today. You are doing the right things, detach with love, take care of yourself. Your son's destiny is his own and I've learned, in general, that the more I meddle the harder I make it for others to figure it out on their own. Check out Al-Anon, it has been very helpful for me. [/QUOTE]
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I guess meanness can be a reaction to knowing you are different and a disappointment
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