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I had a fight with husband over difficult child: Insights and opinions are welcome
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 556791"><p>Suzir - I have hestiated to answer on this thread - mainly because my own "2 cents" has not been raised in the responses. And there is safety in numbers! But I feel bad not piping in...so as way of a disclaimer:</p><p></p><p>I have 3 sons, 2 brothers, 7 nephews (1 niece) and no sisters. My mother was also an only girl. So while I don't have any knowledge of sisterhood - I've had a pretty good window into the world of male relationships. My dad - with whom I was VERY close - was the youngest of 4 boys and he didn't hesitate to guide me in raising my boys. (I should add that my brothers don't get along and I think my dad had many regrets and that's why he was so open with me. My dad was very close to his brothers)</p><p> </p><p>So here goes:</p><p></p><p>This is between your H and your son. They are both big boys. That's not to say that you shouldn't have an opinion and that you shouldn't try to smooth the road between them on occasion. But it's their relationship. And men have a way of understanding each other - mano-a-mano - if you will. The most important thing my dad taught me - is to not make the mistake of becoming their referee. If you do - they will expect you to be their referee for life. (my dad told it to me regarding my boys relationship when they were little - but it applies here) Their relationship is theirs - and they have to find a way to relate to each other, to understand each other, and to support (and even criticize) each other.</p><p></p><p>Also, as a wife and a mother of a difficult child - you need to remember that you and your H need to present a united front to your children. Especially your difficult child. Otherwise, they will learn to manipulate the friction between you. Not because they are diabolical - but because it works for them and it takes the heat off of them.</p><p></p><p>If you son is having issues with his job or his school or his sport - that's between them and him. I remember the first time difficult child got into trouble at school for a bathroom prank. They had thrown wet TP on the ceiling, had gotten caught and then did it AGAIN on the next day. He was 8. I was horrified. Of course, school called to let me know and to tell me that difficult child and his cohorts would be serving indoor recesses and on cleaning duty for a week. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I was sure I was raising a hooligan. And I was sure that the "talking to" I gave him the first time was a motherhood FAIL since he did it again. And my dad calmed me, and advised me- it was a school issues, school was handling it, he was being punished AT SCHOOL and while I should express my displeasure, this issue was between the SCHOOL (who was handling it appropriately) and my misbehaving son.</p><p></p><p>And he was right. And I got to stay somewhat neutral. I didn't need to be the bad cop or the heavy hand - nor did I need to "poor baby no recess" my errant son. It was not in my immediate realm. And I shouldn't interject myself into that realm unless absolutely necessary. </p><p></p><p>You know, difficult child never got into trouble at school again. (Until he failed out of college last year.) So I am going to say that dad was right. And I have to say that the few times I have "over responded" have been the times that things have gotten out of hand. I would love to be in control of steering difficult children ship. Or be a co pilot. But - he needs to be in charge of his life and of his relationships. And I need to stay out of those realms. Because when I do get involved, I end up taking some of the ownership away from my son. And he needs to own his life. And his relationships. The good, the bad, the ugly. Same for H. If I try to steer their relationship - I end up taking some responsibility for their relationship. And that's not a good place to be for a wife or a mom.</p><p></p><p>I hope I am making sense.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 556791"] Suzir - I have hestiated to answer on this thread - mainly because my own "2 cents" has not been raised in the responses. And there is safety in numbers! But I feel bad not piping in...so as way of a disclaimer: I have 3 sons, 2 brothers, 7 nephews (1 niece) and no sisters. My mother was also an only girl. So while I don't have any knowledge of sisterhood - I've had a pretty good window into the world of male relationships. My dad - with whom I was VERY close - was the youngest of 4 boys and he didn't hesitate to guide me in raising my boys. (I should add that my brothers don't get along and I think my dad had many regrets and that's why he was so open with me. My dad was very close to his brothers) So here goes: This is between your H and your son. They are both big boys. That's not to say that you shouldn't have an opinion and that you shouldn't try to smooth the road between them on occasion. But it's their relationship. And men have a way of understanding each other - mano-a-mano - if you will. The most important thing my dad taught me - is to not make the mistake of becoming their referee. If you do - they will expect you to be their referee for life. (my dad told it to me regarding my boys relationship when they were little - but it applies here) Their relationship is theirs - and they have to find a way to relate to each other, to understand each other, and to support (and even criticize) each other. Also, as a wife and a mother of a difficult child - you need to remember that you and your H need to present a united front to your children. Especially your difficult child. Otherwise, they will learn to manipulate the friction between you. Not because they are diabolical - but because it works for them and it takes the heat off of them. If you son is having issues with his job or his school or his sport - that's between them and him. I remember the first time difficult child got into trouble at school for a bathroom prank. They had thrown wet TP on the ceiling, had gotten caught and then did it AGAIN on the next day. He was 8. I was horrified. Of course, school called to let me know and to tell me that difficult child and his cohorts would be serving indoor recesses and on cleaning duty for a week. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I was sure I was raising a hooligan. And I was sure that the "talking to" I gave him the first time was a motherhood FAIL since he did it again. And my dad calmed me, and advised me- it was a school issues, school was handling it, he was being punished AT SCHOOL and while I should express my displeasure, this issue was between the SCHOOL (who was handling it appropriately) and my misbehaving son. And he was right. And I got to stay somewhat neutral. I didn't need to be the bad cop or the heavy hand - nor did I need to "poor baby no recess" my errant son. It was not in my immediate realm. And I shouldn't interject myself into that realm unless absolutely necessary. You know, difficult child never got into trouble at school again. (Until he failed out of college last year.) So I am going to say that dad was right. And I have to say that the few times I have "over responded" have been the times that things have gotten out of hand. I would love to be in control of steering difficult children ship. Or be a co pilot. But - he needs to be in charge of his life and of his relationships. And I need to stay out of those realms. Because when I do get involved, I end up taking some of the ownership away from my son. And he needs to own his life. And his relationships. The good, the bad, the ugly. Same for H. If I try to steer their relationship - I end up taking some responsibility for their relationship. And that's not a good place to be for a wife or a mom. I hope I am making sense. [/QUOTE]
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