Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
I had a fight with husband over difficult child: Insights and opinions are welcome
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 556807" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Sig, I definitely appreciate your input. It is always good to hear several different point of views and yours certainly makes sense. And to the point I do agree.</p><p></p><p>husband's and difficult child's relationship is indeed their relationship and it is up to them to sort it out. And I do believe they are able to do it. While they have never been close like husband and easy child and while there is lots of miscommunication and misunderstandings and pure personality differences and disputes between them, they do love each other. It may take time and more I stay out of it the better. But there are certain lines I simply can't just sit and watch them break. And I certainly do not back them up, if they break those lines. And husband did break one of those lines last Friday.</p><p></p><p>My point of view is based on my experiences (like i think everyone's is.) I have a father who was verbally abusive to me, still is at times in fact. When I was a child and teen and young adult I certainly did hope that my mom would had interfered and I was angry for her for a long time, because she just left me to handle it on my own. Same with one of her husbands who was abusive to us both. I always vowed I would never let anyone to be abusive to my kids. Of course as they say: Man plans, God laughs. Now I have a kid with PTSD because abuse from peers. And neither can me or husband claim we were never abusive to him. But still there are things I don't let anyone to do or say to my kids if I can prevent it. And what husband said last Friday was over that line and something I could never accept. You don't kick your enemy when they are down like that. And certainly not your loved one. If husband wants to discuss with difficult child about things or criticize him, he better choose his timing more wisely. And he also doesn't have any right to try to blame difficult child about choices he (or we) made. difficult child has made (and makes) enough mistakes of his own, he doesn't need to feel responsible of our choices, even if they would be mistakes. </p><p></p><p>Right now I'm not too worried about difficult child trying to triangulate us. Not because I would think he wouldn't do anything like that (there is a reason why backing each other up has been a big rule between me and husband) but because he is so absorbed to his own struggles that he wouldn't pick up anything odd even if we would be doing nekkid tai chi standing on our heads middle of the town square. I'm quite sure he is not noticing we are having disagreements with husband.</p><p></p><p>husband also broke few of our family rules. First the parenting rule about sports. We have discussed and strongly agreed long time ago, that we would never be those parents who meddle with coaching as a parent (husband has been an assistant coach of easy child but that is another thing.) Okay, when our boys were really young we gave some tips to coaches how to handle certain issues with them (like the issue with languages. Both of our sons have had two sports that have always been coached with other language than our family's main language, and when they started, they really didn't speak or understand much of that language) and during their sport years there has been few issues we have had to interfere (but never in front of the kids.) And while we do speak about sports at home and even give comments if they ask, we have always kept it as our main job as sport parents to keep balance. We encourage them when they are down and we remind them of how they need to continue working when they are doing well. We try to help them keep perspective. We certainly not are ripping them apart while they are already down! And second the way husband behaved yesterday and day before. We have strongly believed in modelling acceptable behaviour. Eye-rolling and things like that are certainly never been that in our breakfast table. Of course, as I said, difficult child probably didn't even notice. easy child did however.</p><p></p><p>After difficult child having another disastrous game yesterday husband did pull it together and was more like his normal self. He was encouraging to difficult child, reminding him that wallowing in failures is not productive and that he just has to turn his chin up and try again. And that he is certainly not the only one struggling, it's more like the rule, that 'sophomore' year in pro sports is tough. And that especially players in his position have very rough patches at times when they are young.</p><p></p><p>The thing that really bothers me (other than difficult child having such a hard time and fear that he may do something stupid because of that) is that it seems very clear to me, that something is going on with husband and he is not sharing. His behaviour just isn't like him at all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 556807, member: 14557"] Sig, I definitely appreciate your input. It is always good to hear several different point of views and yours certainly makes sense. And to the point I do agree. husband's and difficult child's relationship is indeed their relationship and it is up to them to sort it out. And I do believe they are able to do it. While they have never been close like husband and easy child and while there is lots of miscommunication and misunderstandings and pure personality differences and disputes between them, they do love each other. It may take time and more I stay out of it the better. But there are certain lines I simply can't just sit and watch them break. And I certainly do not back them up, if they break those lines. And husband did break one of those lines last Friday. My point of view is based on my experiences (like i think everyone's is.) I have a father who was verbally abusive to me, still is at times in fact. When I was a child and teen and young adult I certainly did hope that my mom would had interfered and I was angry for her for a long time, because she just left me to handle it on my own. Same with one of her husbands who was abusive to us both. I always vowed I would never let anyone to be abusive to my kids. Of course as they say: Man plans, God laughs. Now I have a kid with PTSD because abuse from peers. And neither can me or husband claim we were never abusive to him. But still there are things I don't let anyone to do or say to my kids if I can prevent it. And what husband said last Friday was over that line and something I could never accept. You don't kick your enemy when they are down like that. And certainly not your loved one. If husband wants to discuss with difficult child about things or criticize him, he better choose his timing more wisely. And he also doesn't have any right to try to blame difficult child about choices he (or we) made. difficult child has made (and makes) enough mistakes of his own, he doesn't need to feel responsible of our choices, even if they would be mistakes. Right now I'm not too worried about difficult child trying to triangulate us. Not because I would think he wouldn't do anything like that (there is a reason why backing each other up has been a big rule between me and husband) but because he is so absorbed to his own struggles that he wouldn't pick up anything odd even if we would be doing nekkid tai chi standing on our heads middle of the town square. I'm quite sure he is not noticing we are having disagreements with husband. husband also broke few of our family rules. First the parenting rule about sports. We have discussed and strongly agreed long time ago, that we would never be those parents who meddle with coaching as a parent (husband has been an assistant coach of easy child but that is another thing.) Okay, when our boys were really young we gave some tips to coaches how to handle certain issues with them (like the issue with languages. Both of our sons have had two sports that have always been coached with other language than our family's main language, and when they started, they really didn't speak or understand much of that language) and during their sport years there has been few issues we have had to interfere (but never in front of the kids.) And while we do speak about sports at home and even give comments if they ask, we have always kept it as our main job as sport parents to keep balance. We encourage them when they are down and we remind them of how they need to continue working when they are doing well. We try to help them keep perspective. We certainly not are ripping them apart while they are already down! And second the way husband behaved yesterday and day before. We have strongly believed in modelling acceptable behaviour. Eye-rolling and things like that are certainly never been that in our breakfast table. Of course, as I said, difficult child probably didn't even notice. easy child did however. After difficult child having another disastrous game yesterday husband did pull it together and was more like his normal self. He was encouraging to difficult child, reminding him that wallowing in failures is not productive and that he just has to turn his chin up and try again. And that he is certainly not the only one struggling, it's more like the rule, that 'sophomore' year in pro sports is tough. And that especially players in his position have very rough patches at times when they are young. The thing that really bothers me (other than difficult child having such a hard time and fear that he may do something stupid because of that) is that it seems very clear to me, that something is going on with husband and he is not sharing. His behaviour just isn't like him at all. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
I had a fight with husband over difficult child: Insights and opinions are welcome
Top