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I had a fight with husband over difficult child: Insights and opinions are welcome
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 556876" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>MidwestMom: It is of course possible that husband is still bothered about how difficult child was conceived. In fact I'm sure he is in some level and it is likely to come up again at times and bother him. To stay with us was a tough choice for him at the time. To be honest, I didn't know who was a father while I was pregnant. I just desperately hoped and made myself to believe it would be husband. I also kept telling myself he was a father after difficult child was born (but in the deep inside I knew though.) But difficult child comes after my family. He doesn't look much like his biological father and he is not looking that different from husband that it would be that obvious. I didn't told husband. difficult child was a very high maintenance baby and I didn't want to deal with him alone. And I tried to tell myself he was likely husband's anyway. difficult child got sick and husband found out a truth (blood type was a give away.) It was very tough time for him. We were married so he was a legal father, he loved difficult child, he still loved me, difficult child was seriously ill and there was even a chance of him dying (not that big but it felt big at the time), so it really was impossible situation for him. First he decided to stick with us until difficult child would be out of hospital and later he just decided to stick with us altogether. We made a deal and we have both kept that. His mom has never let him forget what a error that was. Neither has he let difficult child or easy child unaware about the matter. So yes, difficult child does know. Only involved and not knowing about it is the biological father of the difficult child.</p><p></p><p>As I said I'm sure it is still complicated to husband at times. And it does complicate the relationship between difficult child and husband (and to be honest, I kind of hope difficult child never wants to get in touch with his biological father, that would be a mess.) But husband has always committed to being a good dad for difficult child too. Yes, he does like easy child more (but to be honest, who wouldn't?) and may favour him, but that could easily be simply about the personalities. And he has always tried with difficult child too and he does love the kid. I don't really know what difficult child thinks about it. He seems to think his dad is his dad and isn't that interested about the matter. Of course it doesn't make things easier for him (we have had some very awkward family dinners and holidays when mother in law takes one too many and gives it a go... It just makes such a lovely conversation topic with Christmas pudding...) but I don't think it has much to do with his behaviour. Yes, he has always been more my boy while husband has been more active with easy child, but it is mostly because I have always had a better handle of difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Buddy: Biofeedback is interesting. Around here it is not much used by athletes. There has been some experiments but I think it is mostly used for things like migraine and incontinence etc. There are some mental coaches and sport psychologists who do use it, but many of our athletes are old-fashioned and not that eager to even mental coaching. And difficult child sport tends to be little 'macho.' They do use mental coaches (like difficult child's, who by the way continues to be godsend) when they need to, but they like to keep their mouths shut about it. With difficult child they are trying the old-fashioned and time-tested methods first, like letting him play it out of him (that they are trying now. By the way, he did very well in his game today, so that is positive) and if that doesn't help, they will probably go with 'starting season over', which means first some very basic and easy training that he can't get wrong and easing him back to it like it would really be a start of the new season. If nothing like that works, they are probably more ready to try something different. And what that is depends probably a lot about mental coach's opinions.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 556876, member: 14557"] MidwestMom: It is of course possible that husband is still bothered about how difficult child was conceived. In fact I'm sure he is in some level and it is likely to come up again at times and bother him. To stay with us was a tough choice for him at the time. To be honest, I didn't know who was a father while I was pregnant. I just desperately hoped and made myself to believe it would be husband. I also kept telling myself he was a father after difficult child was born (but in the deep inside I knew though.) But difficult child comes after my family. He doesn't look much like his biological father and he is not looking that different from husband that it would be that obvious. I didn't told husband. difficult child was a very high maintenance baby and I didn't want to deal with him alone. And I tried to tell myself he was likely husband's anyway. difficult child got sick and husband found out a truth (blood type was a give away.) It was very tough time for him. We were married so he was a legal father, he loved difficult child, he still loved me, difficult child was seriously ill and there was even a chance of him dying (not that big but it felt big at the time), so it really was impossible situation for him. First he decided to stick with us until difficult child would be out of hospital and later he just decided to stick with us altogether. We made a deal and we have both kept that. His mom has never let him forget what a error that was. Neither has he let difficult child or easy child unaware about the matter. So yes, difficult child does know. Only involved and not knowing about it is the biological father of the difficult child. As I said I'm sure it is still complicated to husband at times. And it does complicate the relationship between difficult child and husband (and to be honest, I kind of hope difficult child never wants to get in touch with his biological father, that would be a mess.) But husband has always committed to being a good dad for difficult child too. Yes, he does like easy child more (but to be honest, who wouldn't?) and may favour him, but that could easily be simply about the personalities. And he has always tried with difficult child too and he does love the kid. I don't really know what difficult child thinks about it. He seems to think his dad is his dad and isn't that interested about the matter. Of course it doesn't make things easier for him (we have had some very awkward family dinners and holidays when mother in law takes one too many and gives it a go... It just makes such a lovely conversation topic with Christmas pudding...) but I don't think it has much to do with his behaviour. Yes, he has always been more my boy while husband has been more active with easy child, but it is mostly because I have always had a better handle of difficult child. Buddy: Biofeedback is interesting. Around here it is not much used by athletes. There has been some experiments but I think it is mostly used for things like migraine and incontinence etc. There are some mental coaches and sport psychologists who do use it, but many of our athletes are old-fashioned and not that eager to even mental coaching. And difficult child sport tends to be little 'macho.' They do use mental coaches (like difficult child's, who by the way continues to be godsend) when they need to, but they like to keep their mouths shut about it. With difficult child they are trying the old-fashioned and time-tested methods first, like letting him play it out of him (that they are trying now. By the way, he did very well in his game today, so that is positive) and if that doesn't help, they will probably go with 'starting season over', which means first some very basic and easy training that he can't get wrong and easing him back to it like it would really be a start of the new season. If nothing like that works, they are probably more ready to try something different. And what that is depends probably a lot about mental coach's opinions. [/QUOTE]
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