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I knew it was bound to happen...(long)
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 224305" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I want to go over this with you, but it's late at night here after a very tiring day.</p><p></p><p>A quick summary - smallworld touched on this, the need to not just step in and take over; that is what sets them off. And while our main aim as parents isn't necessarily just to keep them calm, I HAVE found that if I want difficult child 3 to learn from an encounter, then having him rage is not the way to do it. Once he begins to rage, any chance of a positive outcome or a lesson learned is gone. If anything, it sets us back because he gets righteously indignant and is far less likely to see any other point of view but his own.</p><p></p><p>I also would handle it by giving warnings. The worst thing I can do, is to shut things off. I have threatened to, I have even said, "Do you want me to shut off the power to the house?" But a VERY important part of how to make Collaborative Problem Solving work, is to not only involve the child in the management process, but to also build his confidence in me, that I won't take away his power.</p><p></p><p>It must never be a power struggle. Once it becomes one, you set the stage for oppositional behaviour. And as our kids get bigger, they are more likely to win. and they must never win. Better to not engage, than to engage and lose. Besides, our kids are not so distracted as we are, we are generally multitasking and juggling a lot of things in the air at the same time, whereas kids like our difficult children are able to focus intensely on exactly what THEY want, and so if/when we engage, we are up against a far more intensely single-minded purpose. It's very hard to win against tat.</p><p></p><p>What works better, is to slowly turn that single-minded purpose back onto the right tracks, so it becomes the driving force for the child's own self-control.</p><p></p><p>It can be done, and frankly, the more inclined a child is to be oppositional, the more effective that child can be at self-control, once he feels confident that you and he are on the same side.</p><p></p><p>Once you can teach this, then any other person who also allows him some self-control will also see cooperation. However, anyone who is still trying the "Because I'm the adult, you're the child, and because I said so," is going to receive an even bigger dose of opposition. At least in our experience.</p><p></p><p>It's not a cure, it's simply a better way to manage and slowly work towards good social skills. It varies depending on WHY our kid is a difficult child, but in general this does work.</p><p></p><p>I would have also suggested, since you have space outside, that when difficult child needs to cool off tat you send him outside instead of to his room; but while that may be perfectly acceptable here in Australia, it probably isn't if you're in the full grip of a cold winter! still, when it IS possible it could be a better alternative.</p><p></p><p>I'll put my thinking cap on while I sleep and check in in the morning.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 224305, member: 1991"] I want to go over this with you, but it's late at night here after a very tiring day. A quick summary - smallworld touched on this, the need to not just step in and take over; that is what sets them off. And while our main aim as parents isn't necessarily just to keep them calm, I HAVE found that if I want difficult child 3 to learn from an encounter, then having him rage is not the way to do it. Once he begins to rage, any chance of a positive outcome or a lesson learned is gone. If anything, it sets us back because he gets righteously indignant and is far less likely to see any other point of view but his own. I also would handle it by giving warnings. The worst thing I can do, is to shut things off. I have threatened to, I have even said, "Do you want me to shut off the power to the house?" But a VERY important part of how to make Collaborative Problem Solving work, is to not only involve the child in the management process, but to also build his confidence in me, that I won't take away his power. It must never be a power struggle. Once it becomes one, you set the stage for oppositional behaviour. And as our kids get bigger, they are more likely to win. and they must never win. Better to not engage, than to engage and lose. Besides, our kids are not so distracted as we are, we are generally multitasking and juggling a lot of things in the air at the same time, whereas kids like our difficult children are able to focus intensely on exactly what THEY want, and so if/when we engage, we are up against a far more intensely single-minded purpose. It's very hard to win against tat. What works better, is to slowly turn that single-minded purpose back onto the right tracks, so it becomes the driving force for the child's own self-control. It can be done, and frankly, the more inclined a child is to be oppositional, the more effective that child can be at self-control, once he feels confident that you and he are on the same side. Once you can teach this, then any other person who also allows him some self-control will also see cooperation. However, anyone who is still trying the "Because I'm the adult, you're the child, and because I said so," is going to receive an even bigger dose of opposition. At least in our experience. It's not a cure, it's simply a better way to manage and slowly work towards good social skills. It varies depending on WHY our kid is a difficult child, but in general this does work. I would have also suggested, since you have space outside, that when difficult child needs to cool off tat you send him outside instead of to his room; but while that may be perfectly acceptable here in Australia, it probably isn't if you're in the full grip of a cold winter! still, when it IS possible it could be a better alternative. I'll put my thinking cap on while I sleep and check in in the morning. Marg [/QUOTE]
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