I Let the Camel Put His Toe in the Tent - And The Rest You Can Guess

[MichelleLynnFl]

I have no advice to give but just wanted to give you a BIG HUG. So sorry that your going through all of this with him and truly hope that rehab will help him this time.

Started reading the messages and see he left rehab, am very sorry. Still hugs are in order.

 

[seek]

I think it is great, RN, that you were able to separate from your son and that all parties are thriving, as a result.

Staying at my house is a temporary condition. The plan is a sober living facility. He has to save up enough money to get in one. I am not going to "enable" him (ha ha) by paying for it . . . he has to earn it.

And yes, my whole family has been on the roller coaster, some of us more than others . . .

Most of the time I would not be able to accommodate him, energetically, but this time, I felt like I could . . .

It is totally up to him what happens. In any case, he will not be in my house forever or even for a long time. Neither one of us want that. We don't get along that well and he really does want/need to individuate.

I had told him on an earlier relapse that I would not "rescue" him - but this time there are other factors that I am aware of, and my spiritual beliefs have changed and I now understand something differently than I did.

Each person is different - each family is different - we all want everyone to prosper. If only that could happen.

I want to focus on good right now and visualize him well.

 

[seek]

Thank you, Michelle and ALL who have responded.

This is a fantastic site!

 

[ColleenB]

I too feel that there are times my help is needed and can't commit to ever kicking my son out. He has never been abusive to us, I'm not saying we haven't had arguments or said things he shouldn't have.

I take it a day at a time and have no hard and fast ultimatums as things have changed quickly and at times we have to backtrack depending on how he is.

He actually just moved out again, and we are all hoping it is a good thing for him. He seems to fall deeper into depression when he lives with us so it's for the best that he doesn't for that reason. We have told both our boys they are always welcome in our home and we would never turn them away. Our youngest moves home in August to attend forestry school for two years.

I don't know if my son is sober or not right now. He did detox a few months ago but he has slipped a few times since. I think his journey is going to be bumpy and I am trying to just be present in the moment and do what's best at that time.

Take care, and I hope for peace for you and your grandson.

 

[RN0441]

Seek: Best of luck to you.

Colleen: Good to hear your son has moved out; you'll be more at peace and hopefully he will stay on track!

 

[seek]

Colleen: I share your philosophy of taking each situation as it occurs.

I hope your son prospers out on his own.

My grandson is itching for his independence. The plan is a week or two . . .

 

[seek]

I am learning a lot with my grandson here - I am a super control freak . . . I want to pack his lunch to make sure he gets enough calories cuz he's working (he won't let me) . . . I am basically a nervous wreck . . . part of it is my fear of not being able to cope - so I want to do things to ward off disaster . . . part of it is what I view as his lack of planning that I want to make up for or advise about . . . my fear is being stirred up because I love him so much and want him to be well. It is very primal. I like getting to see how I operate.

I don't remember being like this with my kids - only one kid who I also felt was "in danger" - when I perceive someone I love is "in danger," I want to rescue them. Like an EMT, although I doubt they have the emotion driving them that I have.

 

[BusynMember]

Most of us started out wanting to do everything, seek. Also believing everything. And none of us just told our kids to leave and never spoke to them again...its not like that. They are our children and we always love them. Completely. Intensely.

I have four to juggle! Its been a while though since any have been in any physical danger.

I always wanted all my kids to be independrnt of needing me, aware that I csnt hang around forever. That drove me to nudge them all to be independent, even my autistic son. But I did this out of love for them...I feel all of us here act outof love.

 

[RN0441]

We all have our own "rock bottom"!

 

[seek]

Please stop judging me. I am writing, openly, about my experiences - not asking for judgment. Nowhere did I say anything about any other parents not loving their kids . . . you don't know me - you don't know what I have been through - what I have done or not done.

The comment about "rock bottom" (RN) is not helpful. Aren't you the one who reminded others of the site guidelines?

I am just honestly sharing what is going on with me - please stop pathologizing me, labeling me, and otherwise thinking your ways are the only "right" ways (again, the guidelines, so ironic).

And I truly am happy for both of you and your kid situations.

I thought this site was for sharing.

 

[seek]

Now . . . back to my situation . . . I am fascinated by my behavior . . . wanting to control to protect . . . the tendency to abandon self . . . as I was meditating last night in the hot tub, I realized that the entire point of meditation is to develop "The Witness," the wise, Source-connected presence that is always in the background. The personality and all of the busyness is the ego . . . fear is ego - it's cool to watch myself in action. I am learning so much! I thank my grandson for this opportunity at self-growth.

 

[RN0441]

I don't think anyone is judging you.

It certainly doesn't affect me and I only wish you and your family the best.

I will refrain from any more comments on your threads.

Thank you.

 

[BusynMember]

I wasnt judging you either. Just talking as if we were having a conversation.

I will also refrain.

 

[seek]

Only asking that you not put your judgments on me, as in saying "We all have our own rock bottoms," and ". . .none of us just told our kids to leave." Both of those statements are not helpful. The first is assuming I am heading towards "rock bottom." That's a judgment, whether you admit it or not - otherwise, you would not have wrote that specific thing.

The second statement about "telling our kids to leave," insinuates that I claimed that people did that, and I didn't . . . so that is also a judgment.

You are both basically saying that you will not refrain from making those kinds of judgmental statements (by saying you'll refrain from commenting on my threads).

I don't understand why you can't just give me space to be me - I am not hunting others down to tell them how they are doing it wrong or that they will hit rock bottom. There are guidelines against these very things.

I would never presume to know what's going on with you and your kids or family and I don't get the pressure to conform.

 

[ColleenB]

Oh dear.... I do hope that you don't feel judged here SEEK.

I know not everyone agrees how to approach every situation and I think that is ok. I have felt too that since I am not really capable of the more "tough love" approach maybe others could think I'm doing it wrong.... but I don't feel that anymore.

I have accepted that I have to live with my decisions and the consequences. I know none of us have all the answers. No two kids or situations are alike. And we all have to be able to live with our choices.

I do hope you feel supported. I have felt support here and I come here to vent, to ask advice (I don't always take it) and to just feel less alone....

Take care....

 

[seek]

Thank you, Coleen. You are very kind.

I understand everyone is different - to me, it's a given. My philosophy is pretty much "live and let live," unless someone's actions are affecting me, directly!

There is a lot of pressure to conform to certain beliefs (especially 12 step). I love that there is 12 step for the people that works for - I had several years in 12 step, and right now it is not my thing. I am happy for the people who use it and feel supported by it. I would never discourage anyone from trying it or working the program and I don't understand why people in the program try to recruit others and reject those who don't buy into it.

Anyway, I do like this board and there are many supportive people on it.

 

[pigless in VA]

seek, both SWOT and RN are very kind people. I'm sorry you felt judged by their comments, but I assure you that neither of them is a judgmental person. There's another saying on the board that goes, "take what you can use and ignore the rest." Each of us is in a pickle barrel or we wouldn't be here. Sometimes people say things that unintentionally hurt the poster, like you.

All of us want success for your grandson.

 

[seek]

I'm going to try to ignore the group dynamic for the time being.

My focus is on my health and well-being, and that of my grandson.

 

[Littleboylost]

Sober is an excellent place to be.

We have been on the roller coaster many times with our son so we knew that by him staying in our home he was not able to maintain his sobriety. He would do good for some time and then go back to using and it was destroying our life. He was taking us down with him and we were doing more work than him. We don't understand why this kept happening but it did. He wasn't as committed as he needed to be.

Now that he is away from us he knows he has himself to count on and that it helping him mature and figure out how things work in the adult world. We do maintain contact and provide emotional support and limited financial support.

If I KNEW he'd stay sober and live in our home and follow our rules I'd do it in a heartbeat but I am no longer willing to take that chance. It just never worked for us after several years of trying, so we knew we had to try a different approach.

I do hope that your grandson takes this great opportunity and support that you are giving him to grow and find his path. That is all that any of us want for our young adults and there are many different paths that we take to get to where we need to be.

We are with you. We have just asked our soon to be 18 year old son to make alternate living arrangements for himself. He is truly in a bad place and using and lying. Found what may have been meth in his bedroom. He is taking things, cars without permission- I have now leaned to sleep with my keys hidden along with my valuables-; it is a heart wrenching thing to do especially with the crying and begging. He will not change under our roof and supervision. He completely ignores all family rules and the final straw was he took my car brought it back wreaking of pot. Had pot on him and a glass pipe (straight no burn marks on it, maybe for snorting coke with); he was incoherent and did not get up to go to work.

 

[seek]

Littleboylost: So heartbreaking . . . wishing you and your family the best. This stuff is not for the faint of heart.

Today (right now) my grandson appears to be sober, is still working, going to meetings, etc.

I need to attend to my health a little bit better. I laid down some boundaries with respect to interactions in my home (he can be angry and confrontational). I want peace, above all else.

I am going to find ways to take care of myself today.

I have worries about stuff related to him (his phone is not working, I am concerned about his car) - I have to let go and have faith that these things will resolve.

I am reading a metaphysical book which talks about "purpose" in life, etc. From this perspective, it is all about learning. I am struggling to figure out what I am learning in this life. Most of it seems to be negative and I don't think that's the point of life (for instance, I have learned that people you love can't be trusted, that there are mean people in the world, etc.) I am not sure what positive things I have learned and according to this theory, if you don't learn, you are doomed to repeat. Not a fan of repeating. So looking for positive stuff I have learned (that would merit a life to learn them - not just trivial stuff). So far, I am coming up blank!